Page 13 | To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

FartyAnimal · 27/12/2025 22:41

So if you decided to go part time/work in a florist etc, would your dad happily subsidise you?

blinkx · 27/12/2025 22:41

Older than your DPs, I have two ACs and do the exact opposite of your parents. No matter my ACs’ circumstances and situation, they always receive identical monetary gifts simultaneously. And they know this.
If your DSis wants your lifestyle she can bloody work for it and take the stress. If not, she lives within her means. That’s her issue, not your DPs, not yours.
Take the money. Feel no awkwardness.
Jeez, your DSis, not only having her household expenses subsidised, has the effrontery to expect a long haul holiday at your DPs’ expense. Unbelievable.
Totally unacceptable for you. No, you’re not grabby. You’re being penalised for a strong work ethic.

UnhappyHobbit · 27/12/2025 22:42

“And he said you know your sister and BIL don't make as much money as you both so we help her out to make sure she gets the kind of treats you enjoy, it's only fair you both get a good lifestyle”

This is not right. The treats you enjoy? I wonder if it would be the same for you if it was the other way around. I guess not!

MeTooOverHere · 27/12/2025 22:45

GreyBeeplus3 · 27/12/2025 21:47

Then don't do that, they only turn to you because you allow them to continue their unfair totally taking advantage behaviour
You are showing approval for the way things are by always been available when things go wrong

Who are you replying to? No the OP.

AmarylIis · 27/12/2025 22:47

I wonder if your DF wanted this to come to light, gus words seem somewhat planned…

Ivegotchills · 27/12/2025 22:48

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 16:43

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

OP, re this

And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

Q: what happens if your lifestyle changes? You’re both made redundant or you choose a leisurely job, and your DH goes self-employed, will your DP stop funding your DSis as she no longer needs to keep up with the Jones’s? Or, will your DP subsidy you to keep up with your DSis?

Q: why didn’t your DSis tell you about this arrangement? Was she told to keep it quiet or does she know she shouldn’t be living off mummy and daddy and is embarrassed?

Original poster

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 22:53

Wtfdoidoplease · 27/12/2025 21:34

If you’re an architect that’s what, eight years of training?

Was that all self-funded or did they support you during your studies? I’m assuming your sister didn’t go to university,

We've both been to Uni, both lived at home. My post grad studies and subsequent professional training and exams etc were undertaken through work etc and were self funded.

OP posts:

CotswoldsCamilla · 27/12/2025 22:55

OP I know sometimes the group think re inheritance is really weird but I’m also curious how they’ve divided their will. I personally am of the opinion that parents should divide things equally between their offspring to avoid any posthumous resentment between their surviving children. How would you feel if you find out that they’ve left the bulk of their estate to your sister?

Either way, the current situation is a bitter pill to swallow.

EatingTillIDie · 27/12/2025 22:56

Perhaps they have assumed a lot about your financial circumstances and lifestyle. When you talk to them, if they get defensive, I would say you would like to clarify the lifestyle differences so they are not mistaken in the balance. Don't be annoyed they are doing it at all, thats their choice. But if its about fairness, then give them the full picture of how much take home you get, the size of your mortgage, how long it will take to pay off, how much you spend on childcare, commuting costs, the cost of having a home office, etc. If they listen to you openly then tell them that you would have loved to live locally, to have more time with kids and them, and work less, but you didnt know it was an option. And that has stung you a bit. Nobody needs fancy holidays and a nice house. It is an odd choice they have made. How much of your hard earned lifestyle do your family even see? I would find this pretty hard and would consider hiding future luxuries such as cars, holidays and cost of homes if this is the outcome. It is toxic.

Alwaytired44 · 27/12/2025 22:58

lemonts · 27/12/2025 19:38

You may judge them to be 'better' life choices, but that is a purely personal opinion that others may not share.

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If OP is living a more comfortable, financially secure life than her sister than I suspect the majority of people would deem them better life choices.

Ivegotchills · 27/12/2025 23:00

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 17:00

It came out as we were talking about holidays and ideas and how now the kids are all getting older accomodation was becoming more costly etc.

DF said something like you'll need to let me know the cost of your plans

And I jokingly said "oh dad, are you putting your hand in your pocket to send us all on holiday"

And he said you know your sister and BIL don't make as much money as you both so we help her out to make sure she gets the kind of treats you enjoy, it's only fair you both get a good lifestyle

And DSis who I think was a bit embarrassed at the secret coming out explained that their jobs are fantastic but don't pay as much as they'd like and so mum and dad generously pay for some things like their holidays and help with their mortgage.

Conversation moved on and I didn't want to make an issue out of it.

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Okay, help with the mortgage (while they source better paying jobs is acceptable) but the audacity of your DSis and BIL having holidays when they can’t even afford the roof over their heads.

It’s become the norm for them and have no reason to better themselves.

Your DPs seem okay with it though, so what can you do other than be quietly annoyed. You’ll think differently of your sister now though, scrounger.

Original poster

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:04

NamechangebumpforMandy · 27/12/2025 21:45

So is it not about “equalising” the position at all. Your DSis says where she fancies going on holiday next year, and your DP cough up!

It’s not a case of “OP can afford the Seychelles but DSis can only afford Skegness so we’ll make up the difference.” It sounds like your DSis says “oh dad I fancy going to the Seychelles this year” and he says “tell me how much it costs and I’ll pay for it.”

I’d also be really upset by this. I am sure you would not for a moment begrudge DP paying for your sister if she was working all hours to make ends meet and still not able to (as so many are with the COL). Her situation is quite different, as her guilty reaction shows. She wants to live in a big house and go on nice holidays when she can’t pay the mortgage on her salary. So would we all, love.

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I don't think it's a keeping score levelling up every penny type thing

It's that we have a 4 bed house and 2 cars and go on a couple of holidays a year and that sounds like it's become the general in principle benchmark

Not like I spend £1,234 on a holiday so DF writes a cheque for DSis for £1,234

I actually called DSis to talk to through, explained I was surprised and a bit put out

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs. She said it goes towards their mortgage, her car is totally paid for by DP and that they use it for other family costs like holidays and Christmas and birthdays. she said she wasn't comfortable saying how much without discussing it together with DP and me and her. She wants to talk about it all together tomorrow

Can't really fathom how much it could be, 10/15/20k/ yr?

OP posts:

TrickyD · 27/12/2025 23:05

OpheliaNightingale · 27/12/2025 21:57

@ I’m not even sure this is legal is it? I’m sure I read that HMRC rules state only small amounts can be gifted each tax year..

No you are wrong. Upthread there is a link to the rules about gifts.
It is possible to give substantial amounts provided you follow these rules.

Gymnopedie · 27/12/2025 23:06

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 27/12/2025 17:15

Well when they need help in their dotage the Golden Child can help them.
I'm not sure I could see any of them in the same light again.

I know there are posters on MN who find this approach hateful, but I for one couldn't be the bigger person in this situation. Not only has DSis had a lovely lifestyle financially, if the time comes when the parents need care she's going to be a lot less knackered than OP, who is working her butt off and commuting.

grumpygrape · 27/12/2025 23:07

Is it only me who thinks the contents of a Will should only be shared once the Testator has died? I’m not bloody telling anyone what’s in my Will (apart from OH who will be the primary recipient) and reserve the right to change it as and when I please, especially if I outlive OH.

FurForksSake · 27/12/2025 23:09

It just boggles the mind that they are topping her up to your salary. It almost unbelievable. And the idea that she was planning a long haul holiday and that also would just be paid for?!

Your parents must be having a very, very comfortable retirement and not worrying about care costs etc.

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 27/12/2025 23:10

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:04

I don't think it's a keeping score levelling up every penny type thing

It's that we have a 4 bed house and 2 cars and go on a couple of holidays a year and that sounds like it's become the general in principle benchmark

Not like I spend £1,234 on a holiday so DF writes a cheque for DSis for £1,234

I actually called DSis to talk to through, explained I was surprised and a bit put out

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs. She said it goes towards their mortgage, her car is totally paid for by DP and that they use it for other family costs like holidays and Christmas and birthdays. she said she wasn't comfortable saying how much without discussing it together with DP and me and her. She wants to talk about it all together tomorrow

Can't really fathom how much it could be, 10/15/20k/ yr?

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Jesus. And this was all a total secret from you.

No wonder she "doesn't feel comfortable" talking about it with you.

She's lining them up against you tomorrow, OP. There's going to be a lot of chats going on between them tonight. They're getting their story straight, and it isn't going to benefit you.

I'm so sorry, OP, that you family is lining up against you.

mullers1977 · 27/12/2025 23:10

Rictasmorticia · 27/12/2025 21:42

All my children work hard, and the ‘adult pocket money’ as you called it has been help with deposits for their houses, help with buying cars when they were younger, nursery fees and a share of a substantial inheritance that I received and did not need. It has been several decades since they were given any financial help.

As boomers we were lucky enough to buy our council house, have a staff mortgage of 2% when interest rates were 7%, have share options from our employers, take advantage of rising stock markets plus final salary pension schemes.

They. would be fine if the money given was uneven, because they are the most kind hearted and generous human beings. People have different needs at different stages of their life.

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If it's uneven it's unfair unless there is a reason, they will discuss this and wonder why after you've gone…..

Original poster

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:11

FurForksSake · 27/12/2025 23:09

It just boggles the mind that they are topping her up to your salary. It almost unbelievable. And the idea that she was planning a long haul holiday and that also would just be paid for?!

Your parents must be having a very, very comfortable retirement and not worrying about care costs etc.

My parents are very comfortable, there's a few mentions here of parents giving handouts to the detriment of their own financial security

This won't be happening here, I am certain of that

OP posts:

Daytimetellyqueen · 27/12/2025 23:12

Gymnopedie · 27/12/2025 23:06

I know there are posters on MN who find this approach hateful, but I for one couldn't be the bigger person in this situation. Not only has DSis had a lovely lifestyle financially, if the time comes when the parents need care she's going to be a lot less knackered than OP, who is working her butt off and commuting.

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Me too. I’d struggle to get over this to be honest & given she won’t tell you roughly how much it is before speaking to your parents first, I’d also not trust the amount they tell you as I’d imagine they’d collude to downplay it.

I’m so sorry Op, what a horrible nasty surprise at Christmas when you thought you had a regular, trusting, loving family.

shuggles · 27/12/2025 23:16

@RipsMyKnitting My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding.

There are a lot of people who worked a lot harder than you, but only earn an average salary.

Original poster

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:18

Daytimetellyqueen · 27/12/2025 23:12

Me too. I’d struggle to get over this to be honest & given she won’t tell you roughly how much it is before speaking to your parents first, I’d also not trust the amount they tell you as I’d imagine they’d collude to downplay it.

I’m so sorry Op, what a horrible nasty surprise at Christmas when you thought you had a regular, trusting, loving family.

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I'm really gutted, I did not see this coming at all

I honestly thought we had a great family dynamic, we've done so many things together we all enjoy spending time together and I really felt like I had the benefit of a great trusted family unit

Not sure how I feel about it all, not sure it's jealously or betrayal or like I've been made a fool of or hurt that I'm second fiddle in some bizarre favouritism contest I wasn't aware I was part of

OP posts:

MeTooOverHere · 27/12/2025 23:18

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:04

I don't think it's a keeping score levelling up every penny type thing

It's that we have a 4 bed house and 2 cars and go on a couple of holidays a year and that sounds like it's become the general in principle benchmark

Not like I spend £1,234 on a holiday so DF writes a cheque for DSis for £1,234

I actually called DSis to talk to through, explained I was surprised and a bit put out

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs. She said it goes towards their mortgage, her car is totally paid for by DP and that they use it for other family costs like holidays and Christmas and birthdays. she said she wasn't comfortable saying how much without discussing it together with DP and me and her. She wants to talk about it all together tomorrow

Can't really fathom how much it could be, 10/15/20k/ yr?

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Wow. I don't know what to say. This is ongoing and on a monthly bank transfer basis? Going on for years and somehow they all 'forgot' to mention it until now.
I would think parents would want to raise their kids to be independent and stand on their own two feet. I know it doesn't happen that way but this level of propping someone up is astonishing (to me anyway).

Ivegotchills · 27/12/2025 23:19

freakingscared · 27/12/2025 18:37

Nobody’s life’s sare the same as an example we pay my own mortgage my sister was given 1 million from her in laws to buy a house 10 years ago . If this was the position of one of my kids in the future and I could help them by gifting them money for a house I would because the other child already had it elsewhere .
Children as kids and as grownups need different help at different times of their life’s so giving them the same is not always fair , people need to help at appropriate times .

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You would feel differently if it was your mum giving the 1 million to your sister whilst you paid your mortgage.

This is pretty much what’s happening to OP and they chuck ‘long-haul flight’ holidays on top annually too.

Searchingforananswer2023 · 27/12/2025 23:20

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:04

I don't think it's a keeping score levelling up every penny type thing

It's that we have a 4 bed house and 2 cars and go on a couple of holidays a year and that sounds like it's become the general in principle benchmark

Not like I spend £1,234 on a holiday so DF writes a cheque for DSis for £1,234

I actually called DSis to talk to through, explained I was surprised and a bit put out

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs. She said it goes towards their mortgage, her car is totally paid for by DP and that they use it for other family costs like holidays and Christmas and birthdays. she said she wasn't comfortable saying how much without discussing it together with DP and me and her. She wants to talk about it all together tomorrow

Can't really fathom how much it could be, 10/15/20k/ yr?

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Unforgivable and I'd show them this thread. Topping her up to match your hard graft. Tell her to change jobs and keep herself. What an entitled brat.