To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Can’t be unsaid? Do you mean continue lying?

Your Dad does not see anything wrong in helping your sister and has been quite open about it.

Have you even read the OP's posts properly? Or were you just preparing your internal defence?

I have given different amounts to each of my children but it was discussed with them. One child is neurodivergent and really not capable of subsisting without significant help. When my last parent died and I inherited some cash, I gave a pretty decent slug to the other child, but used the balance to buy a cheap flat outright for NDC. There's a second bedroom, so they now have a lodger, and can just about manage with the rent plus a minimum wage job. I discussed this with the NTC (who is married with children, and has a very stable living situation with low outgoings) and we agreed that I would alter my will so that they would get that amount (with some inflation uplift) made good as a specific legacy before any other distribution. It's not ideal but NTC is very kind (as indeed, I hope, am I) and we both feel that this is the best that can be done for NDC.

If you’re an architect that’s what, eight years of training?

Was that all self-funded or did they support you during your studies? I’m assuming your sister didn’t go to university,

And if it's a gift, who's the money coming from? Because they will have to pay tax on any given to them less than seven years before the relevant parents dies. (Bit morbid, sorry, but this whole situation is horrid.)

That is not accurate.

You can give any amount of money to a child with no tax liability for them if three conditions are fulfilled:

1 The payments must be regular.

2 You need to show that the payments are out of your income, not your capital.

3 You must be able to prove that the payments do not impinge on your own lifestyle, in other words they must be out of surplus income.

It is important to keep accurate records of such payments, bank statements etc.

Are you close if no of them knows you’ve helped out their siblings? Imagine the fallout when you’ve passed away, and they all discuss this with each other with no explanation. Those that have been helped at the most will be seen as the favourites, my grandparents had a favourite child and grandchild, we all knew it, spoke about the unfairness of it and how different it would be if they’d treated us fairly.

as a parent, I would never give one child thousands and thousands of pounds while the other one worked their arse off round the clock, constantly stressed. If I was rich enough to give all this money away, I’d at least offer the stressed out daughter the opportunity to go part time and supplement her too.

im surprised you’d be horrified at an adult child wanting to be treated the same as their sibling. You say you’ve helped all of your kids. OPs parents have only helped her sister and they have helped her significantly and given OP nothing, even when she needed it. Personally, I couldn’t treat my own kid so unfairly

Wow - very unfair as parents are subsidising their lifestyle choices.
Would they pay for some weekend breaks and spa days for you and your husband as your lives sound much more stressful?? No I bet not.
Yes you need to speak to them about how this has made you and H feel.

Sounds like someone I know - older sis responsible, married, full-time job, mortgage etc. Waited to have DCs until financially secure.

Younger sis unemployed for many years, benefits, now part-time. House fully paid for by mum (think sis pays a small rent but that won't be forever). Had DC with someone she knew for a couple of months and so mum is basically subsiding a new family.

Younger sis wonders why older sis might resent her...

All my children work hard, and the ‘adult pocket money’ as you called it has been help with deposits for their houses, help with buying cars when they were younger, nursery fees and a share of a substantial inheritance that I received and did not need. It has been several decades since they were given any financial help.

As boomers we were lucky enough to buy our council house, have a staff mortgage of 2% when interest rates were 7%, have share options from our employers, take advantage of rising stock markets plus final salary pension schemes.

They. would be fine if the money given was uneven, because they are the most kind hearted and generous human beings. People have different needs at different stages of their life.

Very similar scenario here OP. I told my parents once I didn’t see why I was working all hours on a grad scheme plus a masters part time when I could slack off and be subsidised. But the reality is I like financial independence and spending my money as I wish whereas SIL gets her nails done every fortnight and my parents pass comment on how she’s wasting their money.

Also DN is severely autistic and now it’s a case of a basic level of living for them and life is v tough for DB and SIL. I also get more childcare help which I need more than money tbh. But I really relate to how you’re feeling.

So is it not about “equalising” the position at all. Your DSis says where she fancies going on holiday next year, and your DP cough up!

It’s not a case of “OP can afford the Seychelles but DSis can only afford Skegness so we’ll make up the difference.” It sounds like your DSis says “oh dad I fancy going to the Seychelles this year” and he says “tell me how much it costs and I’ll pay for it.”

I’d also be really upset by this. I am sure you would not for a moment begrudge DP paying for your sister if she was working all hours to make ends meet and still not able to (as so many are with the COL). Her situation is quite different, as her guilty reaction shows. She wants to live in a big house and go on nice holidays when she can’t pay the mortgage on her salary. So would we all, love.

Then don't do that, they only turn to you because you allow them to continue their unfair totally taking advantage behaviour
You are showing approval for the way things are by always been available when things go wrong

Here are the facts. Doesn't seem like these are regular payments, if the OP's father was asking about the holiday costs.

https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

This is a difficult one, I think parents often help the child who they see as worse off. In my case that is me. DH and I earn about £200K annually put together. My DSis on her own earns atleast £400K and BIL similar to her. Both are lawyers and equity partners in separate firms so salary varies depending on number of cases etc. but min is £400K. So even though we earn well compared to average UK salaries we are still poor compared to DSis and my parents who very wealthy. Parents and Dsis and family all live abroad and not in the UK.

My parents don’t send us any money regularly but when we have had big expenses like our house purchase etc they sent money. Previously when we were not earning as much as I was a SAHM and DH was still in training as a doctor, we earned much less and parents often paid for our holidays etc. Even on holidays sometimes they choose to go to very expensive restaurants and order expensive wines and a lot of food, they never let us pay. I am the younger one and Dsis is older by a year. My parents have always been transparent about how they help us when reqd and Dsis has been cool about it. Infact she also often offers help and we have to refuse. Both parents and Dsis also buy us very expensive presents like diamond rings, earrings etc for me and expensive whisky for DH. I feel as parents have been open about it Dsis has no issue. We are very close and she is very protective and caring towards me. Also she has always got help for childcare when her kids were young from parents while I have not had that as I live abroad. Dsis has a live in house keeper/nanny but the nanny used to be supervised by my parents when Dsis was travelling on work.

My dad did this, gave my sibling without saying anything but neither did my sibling.

i told him to go fuck himself and walked away from him and didn’t utter another word to him.

i detest that parents treat their children differently, this really pisses me off. If you don’t treat them all the same then none of them get anything.

@ I’m not even sure this is legal is it? I’m sure I read that HMRC rules state only small amounts can be gifted each tax year..

I’d be furious too.

You work hard to enjoy the lifestyle you have, and they’re leeching off your parents to have the same? No way.

So your suggestion is that OP's parents should spend significant amounts of money subsidising OP's sister's family's lifestyle and OP is then expected to support her parents financially in the future?

Why on earth would OP want to do that?

Surely you can put your foot down and tell your DH that your family money shouldn't be going to subsidise his sister who has never worked a day in her life and who has already been given millions of pounds. I would be absolutely furious with him.

BIL let slip about 10 years ago that MIL had paid the deposit on his and SIL's first house, we got nothing (didn't expect it) BUT MIL told BIL and SIL that we must never find out.
That suggests she knew it was wrong
I have never felt the same about any of them and I have told DH that if MIL ever needs any help/care it won't be from me.

No I don’t think it’s fair and would never treat my DDs differently. We help out financially but always equally.

That is not accurate. HMRC cannot limit how much is gifted to family members.

Up to £3k can be given without any tax due each year plus other amounts for wedding etc

More can be given if it is out of income rather than savings,

Any amount can be gifted as a personal equity transfer and providing the giver survives 7 years no inheritance tax is due. If they don’t survive 7 years then inheritance tax MAY be payable on a sliding scale. The estate pays the inheritance tax not the recipient.

Got to say, for me unless your parents apologise and understand how you feel I would have to cut them and your pathetic sister out of my life.
its not only the different treatment, its the lying and also the lack of consideration for you and your family.
well done for being so self sufficient, my mum and dad subsidise my sister and I have no relationship with them or her as despite me having 2 children and working in a low paid job, my sister and her husband both work full time (no kids) and plead poverty to get hand outs all the time!!

If OP is waiting on this shock, it’s likely she’ll be hugely disappointed. The mum feels responsible for Dsis - sorry for her - so rightly or wrongly will make sure she’s well looked after once she’s gone, most probably sacrificing some of OPs inheritance to achieve this too!