To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Going down this convo I noticed Like your family we are extremely close to our children and the siblings are very close.
I am guessing OP's family are not so close after all, but OP has only just found this out now.

I don't think it's a keeping score levelling up every penny type thing

Well, it is in our family. I wouldn’t have it otherwise. My cousin’s the same with her AC. Our consciences are clear.

She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs.
WTAF? Is she a teenager or a student? No. She’s an adult and needs to grow up, become independent and develop a work ethic which matches the lifestyle she desires.

She’s been receiving help for 10 - 15 years! DSis and BIL should have some self-respect and change their jobs to pay for their own and kids lives. They were probably getting help, but still went on to have kids which Granny and Grandad can pay for! They are no better than those - who refuse to work but able - scrounging on benefits. Except the tax-payer doesn’t have to foot the bill this time!

Why?! Sometimes one child doesn’t need it at all while the other needs help. As long as you are open and transparent I don’t see the problem. My sis earns crazy money and does not need any help from my parents financially. I earn a fraction of that. She is happy for my parents to help me as and when required. Example, they have all planned a family holiday is Asia in Easter. It is long haul for me but they all live in Asia so cheaper for them. My parents are paying for my tickets or I could not afford to go then. I already have paid for long haul tickets in summer to go see all of them. I can’t do two trips. If my sis put her foot down and said my parents should not pay I would miss the family holiday. Instead she has stepped in and paid for all the accommodation for the entire family. I now only have to sort the food/travel expenses when we go there. As long as everyone knows what they are getting there are no issues. My sis and I will never fight about money. If she ever wants anything given to me I will give it to her and I know she will do the same for me.

Exactly.

All of those feelings are completely understandable Op & likely right now it’s the betrayal and secrecy that’s taking precedence - it’s not the money per se, but that they’ve kept it hidden (& they knew what they were doing or it wouldn’t be a secret).

Whatever happens and however you choose to move forward, allow yourself to feel your feelings & not let your family minimise what they have done (or try to reduce it to being about money & you somehow being greedy!).

How does your DH feel? Likely he feels betrayed on your behalf, which could sour relations between him & your family going forward, even if you’re able to forgive.

I honestly feel so sad on your behalf as it’s just rotten & you’ve been completely blindsided.

I wonder what their Wills say?!!

I'm not against helping one child more if needed. Sometimes life happens.But how it all came about with them finding out your salary and them just topping up her monthly income so they matched is so weird.

and that is the problem here.
OP did NOT know of this backdoor arrangement. And the parents are not merely topping up for treats, they are funding on a regular basis.

I speak from a parent's point of view.
I have helped both my daughters out on occasion when it is needed. Now one daughter is divorced and her husband has lost his job and can't pay maintenance at the moment. So we fill the gap. It has only been 2 or 3 months so not bothered she is getting more than her sister. But I have told them both if this continues we will make provision in our will noting how much we have given. I think children should be treated equally no matter what the circumstances.
I would be inclined possibly to pay for a grandchild's trip or contribute to their holidays but not as a regular thing. No way would I contribute ymto mortgage and living costs and I am always open with my two if one gets extra help. This way no hurt feelings

What an awful Christmas find for you.

And therein lies the shitty rub.

Because you’ll never un-know it or be able to forget it.
Perhaps talk that part over with your parents and ask them what you’re supposed to do with that tidbit of information.
Be proud of yourself.
It’s pathetic that your parents have to give you money every month to keep up with the Sister & BILs - trust me. I’ve been there.

I totally agree. Thinking that it was necessary to “top up” salary in the first place, then the handouts getting bigger! And now it covers a car, and some of the mortgage and other costs like holidays. Wow.

My mother has been throughout my life obsessed by my brother, the golden child, but the one thing she has always done is be scrupulously even handed about gifts. If she ever gave to one (eg me for my wedding) she was scrupulous to give the same to the other. Thus my DB, who has never married, has not lost out.

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed
She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs. She said it goes towards their mortgage, her car is totally paid for by DP and that they use it for other family costs like holidays and Christmas and birthdays. she said she wasn't comfortable saying how much without discussing it together with DP and me and her. She wants to talk about it all together tomorrow

This is awful. Your parents are subsidising not just your sister and her children but her husband too - he - not their son - gets subsidised and you get nothing.

you cannot NOT be affected by this - this level of unequal treatment. So don't pretend you can OP. What you will feel is that someone is the favourite and it is not you. That is what dh feels - his mother gave huge sums to his sibling and then expected us to say "oh how lovely" when she told us about their children's trips to Australia or skiing or whatever.

But this isn’t the case with OP’s sister is it. She and her partner have part time passion jobs and seemingly no self-respect to be existing on handouts. It’s quite pathetic, really. Now don’t get me wrong there’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to pursue your passion and work part time. In fact, that’s pretty much what I do, as I prefer being self employed and setting my own schedule. Difference is I can afford all my outgoings and if I couldn’t, I’d simply…get a full time job. Absolutely mind boggling that your parents think you and your sister need to earn the same, what’s that about? I think I’d have to cut off the lot of them, tbh.

@Endorewitch that is what my M has done.

My sister has had ££££ out of her in the past and only in the last few years has M decided going forward it is only fair to write what she has given sister down so that in the will it evens out .

I think that is the only fair way.

My DH is one of the three. Two worked hard, bought houses, did well. The other didn’t, wouldn’t, but self-pitied, expected to be subbed constantly. In life and in death parents wanted to level up all three. Resentment grew. Only the two who worked hard are in contact. It’s as if the third never existed.
Your DPs are fracturing their family.

Agreed. It is very sneaky of the parents and sis not to have told OP about it. Also topping up to make the same salary is bizarre. How will her sis ever feel the need to work harder and better herself?! I know whatever I do I am unlikely to earn as much as my sis as I work in public sector. She works as an equity partner in a large asian law firm. We are talking 50K and 400K + , but my parents don’t top my salary up, they do however randomly give me gifts. And same to my sister but not exactly the same amount. My mum went shopping and saw some diamonds, she bought my sister a necklace and earrings and same for herself. They sent me pics. They all live abroad in the same city. My mum immediately said I will buy you something similar when you come, I thought it best you choose what you like. I honestly didn’t mind. When I went on holiday my mum took me shopping and asked me to choose. I prefer rings as I wear that daily, rather than a necklace and earrings. I got two rings which cost about £3K. I have no clue how much my mum spent on my sis and I don’t care, I love my present.

Any chance your sister has some thing else going on that justifies help from your parents? A history of drug abuse or school failure? A serious illness that she recovered from? There are families where a child recovers from a major childhood illness and gets special treatment for the rest of their lives, for example. Or is your sister's DH getting a lot of help from his family so she feels she has to get the same? None of these reasons justify the unfairness but this is such a blatantly unfair set-up, I'm struggling to understand how your parents can think it's ok.

If the money was given to help them survive I would understand. But if the money is given to maintain a lifestyle similar to yours that is unfair. If you dropped your lifestyle standards and cried to your parents about your tough lifestyle choices would they be so kind as to support you too?? It looks like your parents are appeasing her so they fix her problems and she may well downplay how much they help her. Have your parents done child care for you that was not done for her or else e.g decorated your house or maintained your lawns, hedging etc because that would have been contributory to your lifestyle and income

OP I'll say this as gently as I can.

I think you need to be prepared for the chat tomorrow not to go well for you. Don't react immediately, you can't plan for what you're going to hear and your head is likely to be fried.

When the talking stops, I'd suggest that you say calmly that it's a lot to take in and that you need to think about it. Then leave.

It will take you time to absorb not just what's been said but all the implications. Give yourself space.

Yours is a completely different scenario where everyone has been honest and transparent though. Also sounds like you work but just don’t earn near your sister. Which isn’t the case here OP’s sister has become a yoga teacher who I am sure has much better home life stress balance than a city architect yet the sister is getting pocket money.

In OP’s case it has been hidden for 15 plus years while she has been commuting and working hard while her sister is - by the sounds of it - a part time yoga teacher.

We would all love to have dream jobs and have someone else pay for the rest of our lifestyle but it’s not fair that Op and her husband have put in the grind while her sister has pocket money for doing a fun carefree job..

I do think it causes fewer problems if parents treat both children equally. It's wonderful that they are able to help like this, but save in a crisis I really feel it is fairer and less problematic in the long run to make the same provision for both. Having said that, I dont have any good ideas about how you bring this up unless you are able to say simply and without anger how it makes you feel

Why are pp saying they would help one child if they needed it?
This is not that, the sister could have the same lifestyle if she got a proper job with a commute that gave her less time with her children just like op and her dh do. But she chose not to.
If this has been going on for years she's had plenty of time to get a proper job.

I think the best thing is to show them this thread. They have mentally put themselves in a self justified position so nothing you say could 'right' the choices they made.