To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

and that you might be able to help them in the future.

Fuck that! Let the blessed golden child sister help them in the future!

Ah, right. So he said the quiet thing out loud, and the gaff was blown.

How are you feeling now, OP?

Yes we had that in DH's family also.

DSIL was subsidised so much that she could have 5 children and never work and her DH gave up work as well due to the (understandable) stress of being a teacher They were given millions in the end when it was all added up over 30 odd years. The eventual inheritance for DH and his sister was equal. We have 2 children, one of whom is profoundly disabled and will never live independently and whom we have to pay for a specialist school plus a range of external support but because DH and I were both much more 'dynamic' than SIL we never really needed support apparently. For me, I don[t care all that much, but now DSIL is in her 60s and widowed and DH slings her money on a direct debit each month that is equal to what our mortgage used to be and that irritates the shit out of me tbh. I keep telling him surely her adult professionally employed Dcs can step up to the plate, not sure why we have to.

So I understand OP, completely.

Both my siblings were substantially supported financially by my parents all through adulthood. I never asked for and was never offered help. I paid my own mortgage and I saved for everything, I never got into debt.
It caused a lot of unhappiness in my family, my parents liked to control with money and my siblings ended up unpaid servant /carers for 10 years.
I can't say it didn't hurt but I look at my life compared to my siblings and I am definitely happier, healthier, married 30 years, successful career, retired early.
However the child in me felt less valued and less loved.
The fact that this has been kept secret from you is worrying, it isn't a healthy family dynamic.
Talking to your parents is not going to undo 10-15 years of deliberate secrecy. It may be worth looking for a good dysfunctional family therapist to thrash it out with. I hope it goes ok tomorrow x

Well in the slightly adjusted words of Mandy Rice-Davies, you would say that wouldn't you? But in your scenario, you are the beneficiary. The OP is not. So yes, it is the parents' choice, but it is the OP's prerogative to feel hurt. It literally looks like they care more about the sister than they do her - she can work herself to the bone, while the sister can enjoy a bit of yoga and the parents will fund her to the same level as the OP whose bones are showing.

Not sure if that makes sense, but hope so!

There's also OP's relationship with her sister to consider. DSis has been happily taking all this money for years, and never mentioning it to OP...

She doesn’t need it though. The OP’s parents have arbitrarily decided she “needs” the lifestyle of someone who earns more. If she wants that lifestyle then it’s up to her to get off her arse and make more money! We all make choices of what we prioritise more in life and if your sister wants part time passion work that’s absolutely valid, but she needs to accept that comes with a financial penalty. It’s no one’s responsibility to give her handouts. It’s infantilising and embarrassing that the sister thinks this is ok - it’s embarrassing in general how many adults are seemingly ok with being subsidised by their parents. I’d have kicked off big time OP so you’re more restrained than I’d have been. Ridiculous people.

Why should they be doing that? Why should anyone have to live a life more unpleasant or harder than is necessary just in order to do what you judge to be the right thing. Absolutely bonkers.

I would be absolutely raging and don’t think I’d get past it. The unfairness of it all and deceit would eat me up.

I'd be pussed off because it's not 'levelling them up'...it's putting them above. Because they don't have kids in after school care, holiday clubs etc. They come back from their hobby jobs (appreciate that might be a bit unfair, sorry) that they've organised around the kids and hav time for nice family stuff and the same money that you have for slogging your guts out in a stressful job with long hours and the guilt ta coma with feeling like you don't see your kids enough. They have the best of both worlds- jobs they love with hours they choose, but corporate earnings. If your parents really wanted to make it 'fair' they'd be takin on tasks to free up your time and make sure your kids were in childcare less

Your sister and husband can work their dream jobs being closer to home and so on. But those jobs have to pay the bills and mortgage. If not they have to take a second job to make ends meet. And as for holidays they don’t take them.

your dear dad might have had enough of helping out all of these years as it’s completely unfair on your parents. Your sister is the one at fault entirely.

It seems like you are being punished for your efforts @RipsMyKnitting

(It would rip ma knitting too)

Your sister has done nothing to "earn" this money....unless there's a backstory of her helping out your mum and dad a lot with her time, which you can't do as you work more?

Pull back and stop any support op. They have blatantly lied and kept secrets from you. Even if they reassure you in some way - how can you believe them? They have been so deceitful. I don’t think I could forgive them quite honestly. I would be furious.

I think as others have said it’s perfectly normal for parents want their kids life styles to be equal and happily ‘parent’ adult children to help make it even.

i think it’s more galling for your sister to take money from her parents to live beyond her means. Are your parents also living the same life style themselves? If not I’d be prioritising encouraging them to go on some exotic holidays whilst they can.

I have a slightly similar equality in my family in that I pay for my parents to come on holiday to a European AI type for the last couple of years. I do it because I know they wouldn’t go away otherwise. My sister now feels left out and wants to come with us. But also wants my mum to pay for everyone since it’s now a whole family holiday 🙄

You would be surprised how many of us make excuses for our families rather than admit they are utter shits. There is a lot of guilt, shame and denial in families.

So true. And now OP is going to have to work out how to live with all this.

I don’t think you should say anything to your parents. Your Dad does not see anything wrong in helping your sister and has been quite open about it. I have three children and have been lucky enough to help them all substantially throughout their lives, They none of them know how much each of them has had and I don’t know if they have had equal amounts of money. None of them have ever asked for help, but I have been aware of certain times in their lives when a helping hand is appreciated.

I would be very upset if one of them questioned me about it. Like your family we are extremely close to our children and the siblings are very close.

I fully understand why you are surprised but don’t think it is worth mentioning it. Once it is remarked upon, it cannot be unsaid.

I’d be tempted to speak with your mum and dad and say something of the lines of:

I had no idea you were supplementing DS so she and her family could enjoy perks and treats and also a job with hugely reduced stress - it’s so kind of you. I’ve been thinking and I would absolutely love to enjoy the same lifestyle and perks and she does and have a job with much less stress. I’m looking to retrain as a (insert random job on par with yoga teacher). What do you think?

I would be horrified if that was said to me. See my above post.

maybe you should stop with this adult pocket money then and teach your kids to be self sufficient? Because if they find out and it’s unequal they’re going to be fucking fuming.

The only way to live with this comfortably will be to emotionally detach, check out of any meaningful relationship for self preservation.

This secret can not be retracted, for years they have alll known the truth and colluded to lie to op. For years her sister has been literally spending the inheritance shamelessly,

Op needs to prepare herself for further dishonesty, division and difficulty. I am sure op is now evaluating everything.

Me too.
I also think it’s really unfair of your sister to allow this situation and not even tell you. I would be really upset at all the secrecy, it’s not at all fair or kind.
Children should be treated the same, so whatever has been handed out to your sister, the same should have been done for you. I think it’s totally unfair of your sister to happily accept this, and I would say to your parents that maybe you should leave your job as they would obviously support you….Your sister has made a choice to have a job she enjoys but isn’t at all well paid. If she was in a dire situation not of her own making, either involving housing or finances, then of course, most parents would try to give help temporarily ,just as they would with any other child, but I’ve never heard of anyone bumping one child’s income to the level of a sibling. It’s totally unfair on you, also doesn’t your sister find it rather patronising and deceitful ? I would have felt really uncomfortable if my parents had been doing this for me. I am the less well off sibling, because my sibling has worked far harder than me ! I wouldn’t have wanted at all to be secretly given money my sibling wasn’t given. My Mum did once help me out financially when I was jobless, but she gave the same amount of money (not a huge amount, in the hundreds) to my sibling.

Oh come on. You are just trying to live with yourself, clearly.

However, in this scenario, one daughter has had a lot. And the other daughter has had nothing. To the extent that the lives of the grandchildren have been affected.

How is that fair? And all the lying?

i think It’s really unfair and I’d be devastated. My husband would love to have a relaxed and easier role, he can’t at this stage though, due to our mortgage and other outgoings, to know my parents had enabled my sister and also my sisters husband to have an easier job with the same ‘perks’ ours allows us would upset me. I’d have left. It’s not to do with standing on your own two feet - plenty of parents help their children, they just do it fairly.