To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Is it possible they will adjust inheritance too compensate you so to speak? Maybe that’s always been the plan?

As previous posters mentioned, this is massively unfair. They are paying for your sister and her children to have a better life than you and yours, because they don’t have to work hard or sacrifice family time to get the same apparent results.

It all sounds a bit bonkers to me, why would you continually supplement one child’s income so she has the same sort of lifestyle as your other child when that child works in a higher pressure field, longer hours etc
They have actually made your siblings life better then yours because she is able to have the same ‘nice’ things with minimal effort!
We’d all love to work in a field that we love, I used to pre children but that had to change once they arrived because of the antisocial hours and poor pay.
I work somewhere else now that fits in with their needs and pays more because that’s what people do when they have responsibilities…
They could have supported her in other ways, looking after the children so she could fit in an extra yoga class for example or so her DH could do some extra work.
Im guessing your parents are very comfortably well off but what is your sister going to do when your parents aren’t able to do it?
I’m not sure i would look at my sibling or parents the same after that confession tbh im not sure how you’re going to have the conversation with them tomorrow without coming across as grabby, but you’re not being unreasonable to be feeling a bit hurt.
Helping out one child if there is a genuine need or giving all the children similar support at a certain stage means that everything is transparent, your current situation is very odd!

The dishonesty is a deal breaker - more than the money. I wouldn’t see them in the same way again. It would irreparably damage our relationship. Lying to you for years is disgraceful.

Your sisters old age looks dire unless they intend to leave the whole inheritance to her though. A tiny pension isn’t smart.

How about looking at it from a different perspective? Isn't it lovely that your parents make it possible that your nieces/nephews enjoy the same lifestyle as your children?

If it's bothering you so much, discuss it with your parents but also have an idea as to what would make it fair? Surely, you don't expect your parents to offer financial support you don't need? Your sister on the other hand, needs it which is why it's been offered.

Just because she's happy in her job doesn't mean she hasn't worked hard at it, or is not deserving of the help.

That's really harsh OP and I feel sorry for you. You work really hard in a job you dont love while your sister gets to do her dream yoga job and still get given money to keep up with your lifestyle. Your parents should be telling her to work harder to afford a better lifestyle either get a second job or choose something else that pays better, instead of throwing money at her and watching you work alot harder and without the same treatment from them.

I’m coming at this from a different perspective. My PIL in the last few years have gifted my family a sizeable amount of money, enough for house deposits for our 2 kids when they are ready to buy. I have no idea if they have done the same to my BIL who is an exceptionally high earner. We are also in the top 20% but not any way like he is.
its their choice.

If the arrangement carries on there might not be much left. Maybe that is the plan?

OP you need to have an honest and frank face to face with your parents. Let them know you understand it is their choice but explain how hurt you are. Ask what is their long term.plan? Maybe they originally thought it was a short term thing and it snowballed?

It's too late then, isn't it? OP will not get the time back with her young children that her sister has been gifted.

And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

This is the part that would get to me. If the shoe was on the other foot and your sister was living the high life and you weren't - would they have subsidised you?

And it has been going on longer for potentially more than a decade! I would be furious and very hurt.

Oh, I think we can tell how the inheritance will be split (or not split...) 🤔

Sorry I clicked YABU in error I don’t think you are at all

I think you’re right. I read a book called The Millionaire Next Door and it was found to be very common that many millionaires gifted more money to their adult children that earned/ had less money themselves, overwhelmingly to their daughters.

I definitely gained a sense that they wanted whichever of their adult DCs earned less or otherwise had a lower income, to enjoy a more comparable lifestyle to their siblings.

My own DCs are all still school age at present but I have a feeling I’d be tempted to do similar to level things out and ensure they all could enjoy a nice lifestyle.

I think it is disgraceful they are financing your sisters lifestyle to match yours.
Not only does it completely negate the need for her to aspire to greater things, it makes a mockery of you and your DH hard work to gain good careers and a lifestyle that this provides. If my parents had done this, I would be very hurt and, I am not sure I could maintain a good close relationship with either them or my sister. It is nothing to do with jealousy, it is a complete betrayal of sibling fairness by people who should know better. The fact your sister has enjoyed this for a long time tells you what a sneaky leech her and her husband are. What your parents are doing is grossly unfair in its rawest form.

I think a calm chat is the way forward.

Your parents may also assume you have a job that you love and have never considered it from this perspective. Did they provide support to help you get it? E.g support you through a long uni degree?

If so this is perhaps where the initial levelling up started. Compensating your sister for that 'advantage'.

It's also not clear if this is as far as you've interpreted it. It sounds like your dad was offering something to you for the holiday.

They may have topped up a couple of holidays and given them money towards the mortgage during COVID or baby years if they are self employed. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't earn well or that this is every month.

But you are absolutely right about not letting it fester.

They'll be defensive, OP. They will say "We're just trying to give your sister a nice life like you have!".

If you try talking to them about the unfairness and dishonesty of it all, they will get even more defensive.

They will probably turn it on you. They will try to make it seem unreasonable of you to even mention it. Full on DARVO.

And then, of course, they will phone your sister.

It's also not clear if this is as far as you've interpreted it. It sounds like your dad was offering something to you for the holiday.

No. OP's father needed to know what OP was spending on their holiday, so they could give the same amount to her sister for her holiday. So he asked how much OP was spending, not realising that OP would come back with a little quip. Meanwhile, OP's sister looks shifty.

Horrid.

I have similar OP; sibling is financially supported by parents. Never had a loan. Supported through a career change degree, but doesn't need to work full time.
Meanwhile I've had periods where, like everyone else, I scrabbled to buy a home, lost a job, commuted, lone parent trying to manage everything etc.
Sibling is also the sole inheritor.
Tbh, it's destroyed my relationship with my "family". It's their choice but its utterly unfair and I wouldn't do it to my own children.

I have a sibling who has been subsidised by DP for years to the tune of 20k per year. DP no longer have any savings for old age as they paid it all to DSib over the years. I was really angry when I found out, not because I wanted the money but because they no longer have funds set aside for care should they need it. They used to have savings but it’s all gone. But there’s not much I (or you) can do. It’s DPs money and they can give it to who they want.

Worth a shot, will also highlight how it has made you feel. Are your parents wealthy?

My mother helps my youngest sister out. It's amounted to thousands over the years, again, because she earned less. Bought holidays/cars for her children lots of treats etc. I've never had the conversation, can understand the logic. If I dwelled on it it, I'd be annoyed.

I wouldn't be surprised if your sister is in line for 'more' inheritance-wise should there be any to 'even things out' if this is their mindset. After years of an easier life, frankly, due to less stress, less trying to make ends meet, etc

I'm sorry this has been hidden from you.

I completely understand your feelings.

I don’t know how people can be so unfair to their children, but it happens often.

Maybe you will be compensated more in ££ value in your inheritance, their will, than your sister if you both are blessed to be given or left anything. But never expect this or plan. Who knows why, maybe your parents are deep down very proud of you that you're earning your own ££££ to provide for your own family and not relying on handout top ups.... feel proud of this yourself OP amongst all other feelings and that you might be able to help them in the future. Something your sister sounds like she'd not be able to do (financially speaking).

Sorry, reading this back it's not clear.

We were all talking holidays, talking about when kids broke up and where we might all individually go. DSis was talking about somewhere long haul and DF looked at DSis and said something like "you'll need to let me know the cost of your plans" to DSis.

I actually assumed he was saying this because maybe DP were thinking about something similar and wanted to know how expensive it was.

I made the joke about paying for our hols just to make a joke. As I say I thought it was DF just being curious about the cost of it all.

Then it continued with the revelation that they don't make as much money as us so they help her out etc