To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I hope you can update us tomorrow OP.

I'd be really upset about this.

That may be your opinion, but I most certainly disagree. You can control how you react to the behaviour of others but not seek to control how they behave, that way endless conflict lies.

What your folks do with their money is up to them alone. If they have felt like helping 'them' and not 'you', they'll have their reasons for this. You can only speculate about those reasons, and you are as likely to be wrong (hurting yourself and resenting the others) as right. Instead of brooding on it, why not just accept that life does not always go as we feel it should? If you have a home, food, clothes, warmth and contentment, just be grateful for that. You just have to look at the news to see how many are homeless, bombed-out, bereaved, sick etc etc. Take time to see all you DO have, and how lucky / deserving you are to have it. You sound like a basically decent person: that is your big reward, and to deserve it you need to see it...

@lemonts

Even when two people are both working full-time, the stresses and strains can vary massively between jobs. I’ve worked as a healthcare assistant and also as a junior hospital doctor. No comparison. Both jobs are physically demanding. As a doctor you have patients in wards all over the hospital and even in different parts of the hospital ‘campus’. So that’s lots of walking (mostly) including up and down stairs. You don’t take lifts because it’s a waste of time waiting around for them.

Then there’s the mental complexity of a job as a doctor. Trying to work out what’s wrong with the patient or at least, your next steps, making sure you haven’t missed any ‘red flags’ that mean the situation is actually an emergency. There’s lots of admin to do, ensuring your notes are reasonably detailed, discharge summaries etc.

The main difference is the level of responsibility. Your choices, even at junior level, can mean patients live or die. Sometimes I called for help and it wasn’t forthcoming. You can be haunted by the thought that a patient might have lived if you’d taken a different decision or acted sooner.

A high-level banker or corporate lawyer may not be making life or death decisions (usually) but those decisions can make or lose large amounts of money and affect lots of people in wide-ranging ways. It’s a different kind of responsibility but there can still be a lot of pressure there whereas with other jobs you can switch off mentally and go home.

Top-level footballers don’t tend to have that level of responsibility but I believe they deserve to earn lots because football is big business and they put on the show. They are only paid out of the revenue the masses are willing to pay. No-one blinks at the managers and big bosses getting big paycheques but somehow it’s a problem when the (mostly) working-class players get a share of the profits. They have specialised skills and whilst the money in football could be shared out more equitably, players only keep getting the big paycheques while they produce results. That’s pressure right there and a serious injury can end their career overnight.

Oh dear. This is something parents might do, not because they favour one sibling over the other but because they want you both to have happy lives. It is very common but not dueto lack of lovefor you both.

You may judge them to be 'better' life choices, but that is a purely personal opinion that others may not share.

And? You may feel that society has absolutely got it spot on in 'valuing' work, effort and complexity of role in monetary terms, I don't think that it has, nothing more nothing less. There is a tenuous relationship at best between, skill, talent, hard work and monetray reward in our society.

This would be the thing that I'd be more pissed off at, not because of jealousy but the very fact it's not occasionally.

In all those years have your DSis or BIL never looked for better jobs, or ways to improve their customer base.

Never been embarrassed that they have accepted hand outs on a regular basis, or is this a case of if someone else is willing to give handouts no questions asked why should we look to improve our jobs, we'll continue to take them.

Your DP's are as much at fault for letting it continue but terrible behaviour from your DSis and BIL.

This .We have one child who is financially independent and earns a lot more money than my other two . They all have worthwhile careers but two of them earn a lot less and really struggle financially.
We have helped them both out at times and my child who earns well doesn’t resent it and knows it’s not favouritism . Child 100% ok about it.

OP - I feel for you in this situation. In your position, I’d want to know the backstory of how your sister and BIL came to receive this “benefit” from your parents. For example did DSis go whining/asking them for money or is this about your DPs not being able to tolerate watching the consequences of your DSis and BIL’s life choices?

I think many parents of adult children struggle with the latter, and it’s often easier (but weak) to dole out cash than watch your kids struggle through the consequences of their own (sometimes foolish) life decisions. The problem with this, is that said adult children never really learn from their own financial mistakes and lack accountability and responsibility.

Whatever happens OP, you have your self-esteem and independence, and your fantastic achievements career wise, which will pay dividends in the long run. Landscapers and yoga teachers probably don’t have good pensions. If there is anything left after care costs, hopefully any inheritances will be equal, and maybe if your DP’s want to avoid care costs ……then it’s over to DSis and BIL to sort that out as you’re far too busy in your successful career. All the best.

A bit of a different pov here as I'm in a similar position to you - my DSis gets roughly £500 a month from my parents to help pay her mortgage.

I think we felt a similar shock initially, but we knew my sister had taken a huge step back from a full time teaching job to do supply due to stress, and her husband had switched jobs which it transpired had come with a bigger paycut than we'd realised. My parents helped out because DSis and BIL were at risk of losing the house.

Its been going on 3 years and is likely going to continue because they now can't remortgage due to reduced incomes. I'm not upset about the money they've received, but I do worry about the stress on my parents.

They didn't choose to help out from favouritism but because they were worried about the alternative. It is possible your DPs have been put in a similar position if your DSis or BIL had cashflow issues with their work. They may have an easier lifestyle but it comes with financial insecurity. Having had 3 years to consider it, I wouldn't make the trade.

What is fascinating about this is how many people seem to think that the only money anyone should have is that which is earned and any other income is some sort of moral failimg. I also wonder how many of these outraged posters are happy enough to claim tax credits or child benefit as a subsidy!

You didn’t mention responsibility. That makes a huge difference, which was mostly my point.

Silence is a sure fire way of resentment builiding, explosive falling outs and irreparable damage.

Op must absolutely make her feelings known, and then decide based on their response whether she pulls back or they agree a way forward.

This would drive me absolutely bonkers. They are actually evaluating your life... How much you spend on a holiday etc.. in Order to supplement your sister. I mean it sounds like family according to socialism - from each according to their ability to each according to their need. F that!

I'd be very inclined to announce I've decided to give up my job to become an artist and I expect financial support now to the level I am accustomed.

LOL - ah yes the huge responsibility of being a TV presenter as opposed to a train driver for example. By all means keep telling yourself that but it it isn't going to make it true!

Perhaps your next move could be to say something like: ok, I suppose it makes sense she's had her inheritance early as she's failed to provide for herself properly - obviously the full value of what they've had will be assigned to me from your estate before we split what's left, yes?

Absolutely she can make her feelings known, it's just presenting her parents with a list iof what they must do is not likely to be well received, that was my point.

I'll never understand why parents do this kind of thing. My DH and I treat both out adult DC exactly the same. DS needed help with funding a house deposit so we gave our DD exactly the same amount to spend even though she had her own house. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

I would be really upset by this if I found out my parents were subsiding my sisters life when she had purposefully chosen a career/ lifestyle which paid less. It sounds like your sister and her partner knew they wouldn’t be high earners but chose to prioritise doing jobs they enjoy over money. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that - but i think it is wrong that your sister has allowed your parents to subsidise her lifestyle to the same standard as yours probably knowing the sacrifices you have made to earn your salary (as she must have weighed up the same factors such as working hours, commute, enjoyment etc as she then decided that she didn’t want a job that entailed them). I couldn’t take any handout from my folks if my sister wasn’t getting the same - I would feel guilty that she wasn’t getting the choice to work fewer hours etc. It doesn’t sound like your sister is in need of the money or it is for anything she couldn’t have planned for (eg she could have bought a house within her budget) - some of it sounds like pocket money for nice holidays and a bigger house just because that’s what you have.

You may not think it indicates favouritism, but you are in a small minority, of course it does. As parents we can only see a snap shot of one chapter of our children’s lives, or other children despite being settled can run into poor health, divorce, redundancy and hard ship at any time. Why would you unfairly give away money to one child, without the insight to consider what the other more stable children might need in the future - even after we have gone
.
An accident, a death or serious illness could incapacitate our darling children, and yet we saw fit to hand over a potential life saving inheritance to ‘even things out’ before their lives have concluded.

It is very short sighted, creates anger, rivalry and hatred amongst siblings, as it is deemed favouritism whether you like it or not, and an unfair advantage to the golden child.

No parent should leave a legacy of pain and resentment, and conflict and very often a family left in tatters.

We should be wise enough to show kindness and love to all children and treat them as the capable adults they are.

Also I'd be completely mortified if I was your sister... It would be one thing if my parents helped because I simply couldn't pay my bills, rather than choosing a stress free job. But my parents sizing up how much my sister's holiday costs, the gifting me that money?! Has she no self respect or pride?!

The system isn’t perfect but firstly, train drivers earn quite well and secondly, most TV presenting work is insecure and most TV presenters aren’t on massive salaries. They aren’t all ‘big stars’. I presume the big stars get the viewers and thus the big advertising, hence the big salaries. So sometimes it’s responsibility and other times it’s profit-sharing.

I know that my parents subsidised my DSis for an extended period which myself and my brother didn't mind because:
She's a single person household
She has a career that is less well paid than ours
She lives in a nice but small terraced house and the roof needed doing
She had cancer and needed to take time off work which depleted her savings.

I think if our parents subsidised her lifestyle so that we all had the 'same', well firstly they wouldn't be able to afford it, my DB's minted, but also it's a bit insulting to the life choices we've made to get us in the financial position we're in, whilst others literally sponge off others.
If my parents subsidised me to my DB's level, I would definitely work part-time.

I think your parents thinking on this is deeply flawed.

Same situation for me, in my case there's four of us and the two who earn / own less are subsidised by very elderly DM. I don't say anything as I know how the conversation will go. My two elder siblings could commit murder and still come out as the victims.

Sorry you are going through the same sort of thing - it's likely more common than we think. When I went to the bank to talk it through (I have POA which means nothing while DM has capacity) the adviser in the bank was in the same situation with her sibling - she likely wouldn't have told me but bizarrely we'd been at school together.