Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

OP’s kids should feel ashamed and embarrassed but obviously they’re not. Can’t get over how hurtful they were. Even when mine were tiny, I got a present like a handmade card. One year my daughter made a little felt needle case. Still treasure it.

You have to teach them.
Literally.
Teens are often selfish and they think parents don't need anything.
You should've said did you get buy presents for me and dad yet? Probably from November time.

I remember feeling really excited that I had got my mum two gold bracelets from the school Christmas fair. Didn’t realise they were actually cuff links 😄 we were taught from a young age to think of others. Slightly horrified at the number of posters who just aren’t doing this.

I think it’s up to your DH to organise them into something if they’re a bit thoughtless.

DP’s sister is divorced and last year her teenagers got her absolutely shite presents. In fact, worse than nothing, they were so offensively thoughtless.

So this year, mindful she doesn’t have a DH to sort them out, DP and I contacted her DC, sent them present ideas, offered them money to help cover the costs. They gratefully accepted all of the above. And then they FORGOT TO GIVE HER THE PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS DAY. I despair.

I wonder if the kids also didn’t get anything for their dad?

I think both parents need to get their heads together to decide how to tackle it.

I’m sorry to hear this- you must be feeling hurt 😔 I don’t know if it’s normal or not but my 20 and 17 year-olds have been buying me presents at Christmas since they had their own money and were able to go shopping by themselves. When they were younger children, I would help them buy a present for DH, and he would help them buy a present for me, so they’ve just carried that on as soon as they could do it independently. Actually both of mine are a bit too generous with their gift purchases for us, for their friends and girlfriends and grandparents and we always tell them they don’t need to spend as much as they do! Partly because they spend ALL of their money so we then have to bail them out for petrol money later in January 😂

I don’t know where you’ve got the idea that people who appreciate presents from their children are ‘grabby’ or ‘gift-focused’.

I never ASK my children to buy me a present for Christmas or my birthday. But they got to an age (mid teens I think) where they WANTED to. Because they grew up seeing that birthdays and Christmas are special occasions where people exchange gifts with people they love. Both of my children enjoy shopping, and giving presents. Both were more excited about the giving than receiving this year. In the run-up to Xmas, they were excited to show me what they’d chosen for their Dad and their girlfriends. I asked them this year to please not spend much money. They ignored that. 🙄

Dd2 (17) in particular was actively looking forward to us opening our presents from her to see if we liked them etc.

This has to be a wind up! If not, so you really think that screaming and starting blazing rows will instill the spirit of giving to children? This will teach them that petulant screaming and shouting will get them what they want in life and will result in entitled adults.

This approach to gift-giving is also incredibly wasteful and performative. It encourages entitlement and excessive consumerism. Your mother sounds like an absolute joy, making you buy something, even when you were penniless. Expecting a child to remember buy something for every single occasion, even anniversaries for the sake of it is absolutely nuts and far too much to put on the shoulders of a child. Expecting them to hand-make it is even more crazy. If no anniversary must ever be forgotten, when does this end?! Are children supposed to buy their aunties and uncles presents on the anniversary of them signing a legal document for the next 40 years?

Christmas is just one day of the year, the heavy emphasis on Christmas present giving by many posters seems strange and oppressive to me. As someone already mentioned, this is not an environmentally friendly approach. I think gifts should be given freely with no expectations. Just because your kid doesn't give you a present doesn't mean that they aren't a thoughtful person and they don't respect you. I don't think the quality of relationships is defined by present giving.

Sorry OP. I would be really upset.

My 15-year-old daughter is amazing with gifts and went all out on really thoughtful gifts she thought I would like.

I think you need to tell them how selfish they are.

My mum didn’t expect grand presents if you didn’t have much money, and she didn’t expect anyone to get into debt to buy a present. It was the thought that counts. Hence encouraging handmade gifts, or buying things from charity shops, 2nd hand on EBay, etc with not much money. As I said, you can make a handmade card from old cardboard and paper from the bin, wrap presents in old newspaper instead of wrapping paper, to re-use wrapping paper. A gift doesn’t have to cost loads of money.

Honestly, if I had family members who forgot my birthday, I would absolutely hit the roof. But, and it’s a big but, it would never ever get to that.

if you can’t instill manners, respect, courtesy, thoughtfulness, within your family, well, tough - you’re gonna get what the OP has got - total disrespect and selfishness and family that doesn’t give a sheet about you.

As for your argument about entitlement & consumerism, it fostered the opposite: the point wasn’t flashy gifts, it was the thought and the effort.

I spent £5 making a cake and hours as a teenager making my parents a birthday cake that was bakery shop standard. The point was I wanted to please my mum & put a smile on her face. And both my parents taught me that respect and thoughtfulness (and my mum taught me how to cook).

also, my parents were practical: anniversary card for the first year and only big anniversaries thereafter. But birthday cards went out to all aunties, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces.

i think for immediate family, presents are de riguer. As for forgetting, i said, with Google alerts there’s no excuses.

forgetting birthdays, it’s your one special day of the year. If someone close forgets, sorry, that’s like receiving a massive slap round the face. So people would be right in having a big argument about it, so it never happens again. And no, I’m not buying posts which say birthdays are no big deal, etc. Sure, sure.

I used to get my parents gifts, but they were pretty shit.
Dh and I don't do gifts at xmas, so we've never expected the kids to get any. Dd and her mates do gifts with each other and get very excited over it all.

I just don't put any value on stuff. If my kids are pulling their weight around the house, that's gift enough.

I have a birthday near Christmas. My birthday hasn't been a big deal since my teens, because fucking christmas takes over. I genuinely couldn't give a shiny shite if I get a present for it, because I know it's just an added hassle for people. And I'm in my 40s. I've had lots of birthdays. Every year now is a year closer to my body not being as effective.

Isn’t it simply good manners to acknowledge birthdays and special occasions for families and friends with a card and a gift? part of life’s reciprocity?
I’d be pissed if my child over the age of about 8 couldn’t manage a home made card and a bunch of daffs or similar.
I don’t think I am selfish or greedy either but I’m not a martyr either.

Manners?

Do you not model behaviour for your children? In most houses, families give to each other to show love and appreciation. Happens amongst friends too.

Of course relationships aren’t defined by the gifts people give each other.

The giving and receiving of gifts is a Christmas tradition. Something about the three wise men I guess 😉 I’m not a Christian but I enjoy a midwinter feast and time together with the family. A few gifts exchanged is a nice tradition. The giving is every bit as enjoyable as receiving, if not more. It doesn’t have to be expensive, excessive or wasteful.

Life is short and often brutal, it can be made just a little nicer and warmer with this tradition. A bar of chocolate, a homemade cake, a secondhand book or pair of jeans, a vase from a charity shop, some notebooks - all things I would be happy to receive from my almost-adult children. And of course if they were having a tough time managing their money or had unexpected expenses (both have cars which can cost them a few £ in fuel and maintenance), I would absolutely make sure they knew not to buy me anything.

No she is not being dramatic or precious. I haven’t trained my teens either. (They are humans and don’t need trained like animals) Mine are all dependent on us. They get pocket money and uni student gets lots of financial support. They worked together and bought very small thoughtful gifts for us and their grandparents. It’s the thought not the amount spent. My Dad said his best birthday present was his favourite bar of chocolate and a card posted by my child from uni for his birthday. If he looks at her he is giving her money so why can’t they give just a little back. Wouldn’t you be touched if you children give you something small that you liked. You couldn’t not be pleased that they took the time to think of you and thank you for all you do. You need to set the bar higher and not accuse others of being dramatic and precious,

That is awful, but we do not subscribe to the whole 'teenagers are selfish, self-absorbed' mantra here. They are part of our family, and that comes with rights and responsibilities.
They are taught to treat others as they wish to be treated (unless someone violates).

What a load of rubbish. With that attitude, aren't you worried your children will grow up to be selfish and grabby. It's actually an underrated life skill - choosing a small gift for someone's birthday, life event or Christmas. Turning up as a guest to someone's home with a small gift and not empty handed.

From a very early age I took my children to somewhere like Tiger and they had a small budget to buy for 4 people. They were told to think about what that person liked, the things person had and what would make that person happy. They soon began to see joy giving gifts. My children are now 18 years old, studying but with part time jobs, they don't need my help any more. They gave thoughtful charming gifts this Christmas. I was very proud.

When I was little I got my dad the ugliest ashtray. It had the logo of the place where we staying. I think I was 7 or 8.
Dad kept it on his dresser until the day he died, and now I have it.
When I was 17, I took part in a local store’s fashion show. As payment, they let us take any clothing item(s) we wanted. I chose an outfit that I’d modeled, a lovely maxi skirt and top. I gave it to my mum. She hid it somewhere in her closet and I never saw it again. Or, I don’t know - maybe she snuck it out of the house and gave it away.
After a few episodes like that. I gave up giving Mum any gifts at all. It hurt my heart that my gifts were never up to snuff for my mother. I have my mother’s taste, too, so it was confusing.

Have you and your kids gone through anything like that? Or are you saying that your kids are thoughtless?

It's called good manners, Our grandchildren do not send us Christmas cards.They are 14 & 16.Never have sent cards.

Last Christmas I mentioned to their mum, do they still want Christmas cards from us.She replied yes! They do not get many? We have sent them cards/money since they were baby's.

Mum does not seem to think that sending us any Christmas cards is important.It does make me feel slightly resentful, as in the past I know she sends Christmas cards to her own mother!

Sending cards now, can be expensive.Its only once or twice a year.I would rather send cards, than gifts.It shows you are thinking of them.This was something I was taught by my grandmother & aunt.

I mean, you do you and all that but..... 🤔teaching your children that some people are worth less than others, less than they are....that's really not a good theory to plant in their head, imo.

Mine are 18 and 21 I say I would like this for Christmas and birthday as my birthday is near Christmas and they either give me the money or I buy it and they transfer it. I jog their memories when its husbands birthday and father's day, he mentions its mothers day.

DP and I usually get token presents (sweets, wine/beer) and pass to the teens (16&17) to wrap up. Those gifts are then from them and either dp/I as we’re not really bothered if we get anything tbh, but it started when they were being a bit selfish when they were younger - to demonstrate other people are inportant too. I wouldn’t expect them to use their own money, which we give them anyway 🤷
Dd bought us Xmas cards this year which was a nice surprise but not needed at all. When they have jobs on the other hand, we’ll tell them the token presents to wrap will be stopping and it’s up to them to get something if they want to.