Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

So if it’s “greedy and selfish” for a mum to expect a modest thoughtful gift is it not also “greedy and selfish” for teens to get / expect gifts from you? Present getting is either greedy and selfish or it isn’t. Or are you saying mothers are just the non people perma giver class?

Did they get presents for each other? Or for friends?

since my kids were 2 and 4 I’ve taken each out separately and bought them a present to give to each other.

my partner also takes usually my eldest out and they choose something for me together.

I think the act of gift giving important and I’d be devastated if my kids were this thoughtless / selfish as teens. But I do think if there was a chance they’d forget your partner should have stepped in. Is he equally thoughtless?

I think setting up an expectation before Christmas is helpful so ‘I’m hoping one of you will get me some nice smellies for Christmas’ or ‘have you been Christmas shopping yet? What are you getting for dad?’ Just opens up the conversation and shows you expect they will be buying loved ones gifts.

Gift buying is a love language and an important way of showing you love and care about someone. It’s also about generosity, thoughtfulness and imo an important skill to teach your kids.

🤣

There are loads of threads on here where people are fed up of being bought tat and fed up of having to reciprocate. Life is expensive and most of us don't need more stuff cluttering up our homes. Should we really be burdening the next generation with more of this pointless exchange of presents just for the sake of it? Spending money on crap we don't need to give to people who don't want it? There are so many other ways to show someone you love and appreciate them.

Of course they should get you a little gift. I was buying Christmas presents from a young age out of my pocket money. I guess some were quite different as I didn’t have a lot of money I also made some probably not very well. I was never given money to buy presents.

Some of my most treasured presents are the little ornaments that my children bought for me when they were little. The fact they chose them and went and paid for them all by themselves and the excitement on their faces when I unwrapped them is one of the best feelings in the world. I feel sorry for you if you have never experienced that joy.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that every family member must have a present, no matter what. Even if it is plastic tat that will inevitably end up in landfill, that the receiver does not have space for and will end up either binned or in a plastic bag stuffed in a wardrobe, gathering dust with similar tat that was bought for them out of obligation.

Making children or teenagers scrape together the very little money they do have for the sake of an obligatory present that the receiver doesn't truly want and will never use is not conducive with reducing our carbon footprint. We should be teaching our children to save their money and focus on quality over quantity. I remember being a teenager and frantically trawling around the local shopping centre in order to buy about 14 family members Christmas presents. I could very seldom afford this, had no money left at the end and the presents I bought for family members was absolute tat as it was all I could afford. I don't think it is right to expect your teenager to be obligated to buy you cheap tat.

My immediate and extended family have all mutually agreed to stop all Christmas presents a few years ago. Christmas is now so much more laid back, I would even go as far as saying it is totally stress-free and nobody is in debt after Christmas. This year, we're away having some winter sun, last year it was my sister and parents, nobody minds, no drama and no expectations. Whoever is hosting will host, everyone brings food and drink and has a jolly old time.

If parents embodied this approach to Christmas at home and instilled the belief that Christmas is not all about material possessions, I do believe this would eliminate so much stress at this time of year.

My teens enjoy giving presents at Christmas and other occasions (birthdays, mother's day).

DS16 struggles a bit more for ideas without prompting but DD14 likes to come up with her own ideas. I give them a list of ideas around the £10 mark for me (things I actually want). It's not about the value, it's about the gesture and thought and I don't want them spending loads on me, but I do want them to think about other people.

DS helped cook Christmas dinner this year, too. He usually cooks for mother's day and my birthday. He finds coming up with a menu and executing it easier than thinking of a physical gift, and I really appreciate the effort.

Making the special occasions nice for each other is something we've talked about as they were growing up. DS was invited to a party on DD's birthday this year but didn't go because it was her day. They bicker and squabble most of the time at the moment, but he prioritised her. I was quite surprised, actually!

I think if you took them shopping for aunties, grannies etc someone should have taken/ reminded them about you. I know they are old enough but you need to establish a clear pattern of behaviour.
Of course there are a lot of teens around who do this without reminding but it’s not relevant - yours clearly haven’t get this skill yet so need some help.
Next year do lists, have a conversation with them in advance and do shopping for relatives AND dad and then DH should take/ reminded them about his side of relatives/ you.
I think you not mentioning DH while you were shopping probably sent a wrong signal that you were buying only for outside of the immediate family.
Have they done presents for each other?

No, it’s not pure greed and selfishness, It’s teaching children to be caring, thoughtful compassionate beings who don’t treat their mum like a doormat, and entitled

I disagree.

@Rosealea i don’t agree wit this comment at all. It’s not being greedy and selfish to accept gifts off your teenagers. Mine bought me little gifts this year as they are 16 and both working. It’s about being thoughtful and showing appreciation not about the cost. Teaching them how to treat others with kindness and compassion .

@Writersblok haha I have just read your comment and then read you posted v similar. 100% agree. 👏👏👏👏

Rubbish. As we care for them, it's lovely that is reciprocated. It doesn't have to be expensive but it's heartwarming to know they think of you. One of my favourite presents this year was a set of books found in a charity shop by my son, I absolutely love them. Don't be such a self-righteous martyr.

Your DH needed to sort this out with them. So he knew they were not giving you a present and didn't buy something they could give you or discuss this with them. He knew you would be disappointed. You chose your own present from him. What is going on here......

Yes, it’s normal for teenagers who aren’t aware of expectations to ignore everyone else’s needs around them.
I wouldn’t say anything to them, next year give them a nudge in November.

My students kids (early 20s) didn’t get me, or anyone else in the family, a present, and never have done. One has no money and the other one is not particularly interested in people. DH and I only got each other a couple of stocking bits. We’ve never been big on presents and no one gets much unless they need something or have a particular wish.

I got gifts from my teen Grandkids.. used their own money.. daughter single parent.. don't think she nudged them. Always been caring and thoughtful.
Maybe yours needed a nudge or some clues.
Maybe next year .

I think your DH needs to have a strong word on your behalf. They shouldn't get away with the sort of selfish behaviour that may well impact future relationships.

Do they normally get you things?

I’d be more upset at my DH for not checking and promoting them.

I’m a single parent and my teen did get me things without anyone promoting them but I didn’t expect anything.

It has taken a lot of nagging and chivvying but my 20 year old and 17 year old seems to have finally got the hang of giving. He didnt care a few years ago. 17 year old now says he prefers giving to receiving. His presents were bought and wrapped by end of october. He made his dad a lovely drawing in a frame. 20 year old bought all his presents about an hour before closing time last year but has been more organised and thoughtful since gping to university this year. .

It’s really heartening to hear things like this. I’m (sadly) child free, but had a big part In bringing up a nephew and niece. Both are now in their 40s, but always buy me birthday and Christmas gifts- love, thoughtfulness is about letting anyone who has played a big part in your life know you care about them. Value of gift is irrelevant, but the act of learning to embrace and return gratitude cannot be underestimated. This world is already filled with so many entitled people who feel that life “owes” them. The only way we will ever redress the balance of a lack of care in our society is by instilling gratitude in younger generations, starting with our children

Mine was a bit meagre until twenties

Quite right writers couldn’t agree more.

Thinking of others didn’t come naturally to dd1 but she now as a student buys small thoughtful gifts for us unprompted so we got there in the end. Dd2 naturally more giving so didn’t need teaching / prompting.

Many teens are like dd1 and not bad people but instinctively self absorbed. I am of the strong belief it’s part of a parents job to teach this. Not to do so is not great parenting you want to send a pleasant emotionally intelligent young person out into the world rather than a selfish git.