Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

I don’t understand that teens have to be trained to send presents. Surely you just know from a young age that people send presents to each other. I know I knew from a young age that people sent presents to me. I remember having to write thank you letters as well. Maybe with Father Christmas bringing everything children aren’t aware that people send them things. Also with thank you letters or texts no longer being the thing maybe they are not aware.

It’s not a lack of awareness. They are presumably not stupid. It’s that mummy has taught them that their role in life is to be the super special endless recipient. Not for them the hassle and expense of reciprocity. Not a brilliant message for a youngster is it?

Only if you think appreciation can only be shown with material goods. My DD didn't get me a Christmas gift, but the other day when I'd been working late, she made me dinner...she's a sweetie. There are other ways to show kindness that don't involve trawling the aisles of Poundland.

Gifts needn’t be wasteful!

I asked my (adult) kids to club together to get me a decent kettle as the cheap ones don’t last… so they have the pleasure of giving something that they know I’ll appreciate and a reminder that some things are worth paying a bit more for in the long term.

They got stuff from me that they asked for as well.

Nah don’t agree. You can be decent to others AND get them a thoughtful gift. Otherwise mothers would never need to get anyone anything! If she’s living in the house and eats dinner her making it shouldn’t be some massive achievement to gush over. God the bar is soooo low for these kids 🙄.

No that’s really mean. I always got my mum a present as a teen. Your DH needs to give them a talking to.

I think being generous is something you need to gradually teach your kids. Thinking about others doesn't always come naturally but you can gradually set expectations- I'd speak to them a few months before Christmas next year.

My teenage kids use their own money to buy presents for family and each other at Christmas. They give each other and us presents on Christmas eve and it's their favourite bit.

However, I've noticed most of their friends don't buy presents with their own money which I don't really understand. I think taking responsibility and using their own money is important. They don't always spend much - usually chocolates when they were younger and had lower pocket money.

I gave clear instructions to my teens (13, 15, 17).

1. You have to go to the fancy part of town
2. you cannot go to Sainsbury’s
3. here is £15 each
4. go together it will be more fun
5. i dropped the names of a few shops

very very pleased with the results:
they found the process enjoyable
tbey found relatively good gifts (posh chocs (beats yet again another box of ferrero rochers), fancy gloves and well… two packs of poker cards with dices 😂😂 - it was in a nice box and i do enjoy a game of cards (not poker though) from time to times)
they had fun together.

i am hoping that - at some point - they will be able to do that on their own! Im going to repeat the experience next year.

ps: tbey have very little pocket money so thats why i gave them money. Eldest DS spent a bit more actually (and claimed it back!!! 😅 my work as a mum of boys is not done yet - my work will be done when they can do this independently to me but also to their partners)

i also send links to DH or drop names of businesses i would like a gift voucher from. He has no clues otherwise.

Never fails to amaze me how rude some posters can be about other people's children...still at least you didn't call her a little shit like a pp did.

Personally I think seeing your mum looking tired after work and making her something to eat shows way more consideration than a teen being given £15 and instructed to go to x, y, z shop to buy a gift.

@Rebecca7300

Why are you letting them get away with it? They're old enough to put some effort & consideration in.

I'd have told them prior to Christmas that you assume they want some ideas for a small gift they can get for you & their dad & make it clear that it's expected.

I'd definitely bring it up that you're incredibly surprised & disappointed that they got you both nothing this year- not even a card. That's really shit & inexcusable, to be honest - especially from the older teens!

I think it’s actually good for teens to realise that although they are unquestionably adored by family who have zero to low expectations of them this will not be the case when they go out into the world. So you are not doing them any favours not teaching them the skill set of thinking of others and showing appreciation to them.

@Comedycook in a perfect world, they would do that… sadly my world is very much imperfect.

I’m so sorry they didn’t show you the appreciation you deserve. Their dad’s been thoughtless too not reminding them.

I always say to my kids that showing appreciation and care is vital to survival and success in life. It’s a communication that makes the machine that is family work.

My DS 18 took his younger sister (11) to some charity shops to get daft but thoughtful gifts for family and friends. He also wrote individual letters to us all which made me laugh/sob and I’ll treasure forever.

He also bought the college dinner ladies a box of Malteasers before breaking up (with cash he’d ‘borrowed’ from me 😂) cos they always give him an extra hash brown. He knows that a token thank you and acknowledgement makes them feel good as well as him with a side benefit of continuing the deep fried potato supply.

DD20 got me a posh robe she knew I was after and surprised me with a monthly flower subscription and took her sister out (and paid) to also get me a token gift I love.

You’re obviously a great parent and they’ve dropped the ball this year. Maybe you and DH should suggest that they have a trip to some local charity shops this next week to do some belated present shopping for you? Even if you give them a fiver each to do so?

I always find it amazing how much shit I can handle as a parent if I get something ‘back’. Not materially but a cuddle from a 6ft young adult child or a surprise cup of tea made for me is the magic that can keep me going!

Ffs.
Teaching your children the joy of giving to those you love most is a top life skill.
You are their mother not their slave.

I feel that this view is from an emotionally damaged person, someone who only feel value in being needed by people ( children) unable to help themselves.
Its very very unhealthy.

Your husband should be facilitating gifts from your kids, cajoling if need be.

This. Its one of the million little ways you prepare them for adult life.

My 10yo bought me a beautiful scarf with his own money! He asked dh to take him to the shops. He also asked me to take him to get dh and his sister something. He made us all cards as well. I was very proud at his caring ways and unselfishness. Your kids are teens, very disgraceful of them.

DD17 always makes excuses, mainly blaming Amazon for “ losing the parcels”. She’s not got DH or me anything for several years now, not even a card. Doesn’t bother with our birthdays, Mother’s Day etc either.

Hope you match her energy and efforts back at her.

This really isn’t acceptable. Teenagers can be lazy, but this is on another level. You need to address this now — possibly by not giving her what she wants (or maybe even anything), until she can also put in some effort for other people. Nothing needs to be be expensive, a hand-made card and some chocolate or a small bunch of flowers are more than enough, or breakfast on mother’s day; but some effort and thought put in for her family is the minimum required tbh.

How selfish, hurtful and mean of her - respond in a like manner and see the reaction! From an early age children should be taught to be caring and show appreciation all the time, and especially on birthdays, Christmas etc.

Sorry, I would expect them to save out of their pocket money, to buy presents! This teaches them to budget and also to consider other people. Giving them presents to then give to you teaches them nothing.

Honestly, I don’t care if I get a present at all. I think we’re doing fine the way we are, it’ll change within a couple of years when they at least have PT jobs anyway.

They should have at least got you a card.
Two things though:
Did you encourage them to remember their Dad at Christmas?.
Did Dad remind them to make you feel special?

Children need to learn manners and responsibility from their Parents.
Also it's okay for those Parents who don't expect gifts as I bet the kids make them feel special in other ways.

OR😄

You could pretend you had not got them anything next Christmas for a few hours and make them feel how you now feel.
Stating: "Well what did you get me? 😄