Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

so if they want cards or gifts, you're teaching then it's greedy and selfish?
my mil and DM don't expect anything, but I pick something thoughtful they like and it gives them pleasure to receive something thoughtful and to me to give something that makes them smile. the kids get me / DH something paid for by the other parents every Christmas and birthday. this year I got a unicorn teddy, a plastic tiara and a kids board game whose main character shares my name. I don't need those things but they enjoyed choosing something and giving it me and us sharing the pleasure of gift giving together.

Oh and now we can see how these useless husbands who don’t buy for their wives are bred. Their mother thought it was selfish and grabby to get them to engage their brain and think of someone else ( presumably one of the most important people in their lives ). No OP it’s not normal and I wonder what your husband was doing. Did he receive a present
from them or not?

Yes, I seem to remember quite a lot of chivvying of teenagers to buy presents ! As small children their excitement seemed to spur them on, then something weird seemed to happen to their teenage brains which meant we had a lot of “ right , what are we going to get dad for Christmas ?!” conversations !
Now all in their 30’s they’re fantastic present givers, I’ve just been given some gorgeous Christmas plates I’ve had my eye on for a while !

My 2 teens are 14 and 17, they did get me a couple of small presents - some nice hot chocolate and a special hair brush BUT I had to arrange a date for them to go together and do some Christmas shopping. I wrote them a list of who they needed to buy for - I put myself on the list 😂 I think teenagers need pushing in the right direction especially when it comes to thinking of others 🙄

Sorry but no, this isn't normal or acceptable.

I was buying my mum gifts (with help from my dad) from day dot, and buying my own out of my pocket money from about secondary age.

Our children bought or made presents for dp and me (obviously helped by the other parent) from their very first Christmas. They also got presents for each other. I can’t understand why they wouldn’t. It’s fun, and part of being a loving family. And it’s modelling family life so they know how to make a new family themselves when they’re grown up.

I was pretty disappointed with my eldest 20 yr old SD who didn’t get her dad anything (he said her presence was enough but still..) and I got a £7.50 hand cream when i go so above and beyond doing Xmas Eve boxes, go all out on Xmas day & stocking fillers on top of what their dad gets them. I just thought the hand cream was so little thought & I was disgusted that she didn’t get her dad anything. I had to go and buy their dad a present for Father’s Day as neither of his daughters had bothered. It really bothers me tbh.

whereas virtue signalling and kicking others when they're down, let alone insulting people for daring to do things differently to you is an indication of being a charming and selfless individual...?

They should want to recognise you and thank you, it shouldn't be anything to do with expectation. No (or very few) parents expect their DC to shower them with huge expensive gifts, but one or two thoughtful items indicates they are decent people who appreciate what others do for them.

Besides which it's completely irrelevant if you have told them not to get you stuff and OP hasn't...

And to add, I bought my family presents out of my pocket money from a young age. So I do not understand how my DP’s children have never bothered in their lives & they earn their own money now.

That’s terrible 😢 my dd has always bought me a gift at Christmas and for my birthday.

Have you told them you’re upset?

For the record, not all non present giving children grow up to be socially and professionally inept. DS1 bought his girlfriend some lovely little gifts (which he showed me for approval!) and a card from his own earnings. He’s just switched on enough to recognise that teenage girls value a nice basket of STUFF from their boyfriends whereas slightly grumpy, no nonsense middle aged women like his mother prefer not to receive them thank you very much.

As we see from the numerous threads on MN about how we all spent Christmas, the joy’s and the woe’s.

My DH, was not born in the UK, his DF forbade the celebration of Christmas, more quasi religion than formal, established religion. As a result he just doesn’t get it.

I am one of 8, and therefore our Christmas’s were family oriented and my DM cooked the most wonderful food. She prioritised fun over presents. We had presents and I remember them fondly (the toy sewing machine, the stand up 2 ft doll, I am laughing).

We made cards and presents for my mum, we didn’t get pocket money to buy presents. I was born in ‘66.

My DD (I am biased), is the kindest,
most thoughtful person I know. She was on the phone asking what she should buy for DH, her SF, we settled on some socks. He was delighted.

Mother’s Day and birthday, sometimes flowers, but on my
pin board in my office, I have a collection of the most beautiful cards.

It’s important that children value their mothers as people in their own right as well as their role in their life. This is where they learn the customs of gift giving, writing cards, spending time and making some effort. It doesn’t have to be extravagant but the consideration and thought are important.
Their dad should remind them. It doesn’t matter if they’re old enough, they’re still young enough to forget. I hope he reminds them on in your birthday and Mother’s Day.

My daughters have always been thoughtful and buy me something lovely but my son usually doesn’t bother or he’ll ask me what I want Christmas eve, same with birthdays.
He did give me a bottle of bubbly this year which was nice but the first proper present in 25 years.
He just doesn’t have a clue, he wrapped it in foil and masking tape but I was just grateful that he did something, after I said thank you he said it’s ok it was a tip from work I thought you’d like it and then proceeded to drink it himself.

I am going to get shelled for this, most probably, but, LOL, I love
your son!

It is not greedy or selfish to expect your teenage children to make an effort to write you a card and pick out a small present!

@boredwfh I go above and beyond as well i was happy with an item from a charity shop. Amount doesn't equal love.

Perhaps a family discussion about expectations for Xmas and birthdays would be useful for all of you.
Some of my favourite possessions are small but thoughtful little gifts that the DC have bought me over the years that I will never part with.
If all 3 of them haven’t bought for either of you it appears it just isn’t in their consciousness. What does DH think?

You say they didn’t get anything for their dad either. In the run up to Christmas did you not speak to them about this, ask them what they are getting him etc? Or did you just assume they were doing it? At their ages I would’ve gone shopping with my mum, or at the very least discussed it with her. Christ I’m 36 now and still tell my mum what I’ve got my dad for his birthday and Christmas, in the run up. I’m guessing you kind of knew they didn’t get your husband a gift before Christmas Day came around, so imagine you weren’t really that surprised they didn’t get you anything either?
I can understand you’re hurt that they don’t think to do this themselves, but also do think teenagers may need chivvying a bit. Still rubbish of them though.

I don’t get this. The OP isn’t talking about under-tens here; her kids are teenagers. How do you expect your children to learn about how to act in the world, and with their family, when they’re grown up? How are they expected to mature and understand that giving a gift to a loved one is a pleasure in itself?

Rather than the parent being selfish, I think not teaching your children how to think of others is the selfish thing! Not showing them how to think of others and enjoy giving gifts themselves is raising selfish and narcissistic children. What, do you think on their eighteenth birthday they’ll somehow switch into adult mode by magic? Teenagers have to learn these skills of thinking about others like anything else. IMO a pre-teen can make a handmade card and decoration/gift for parents or siblings. By older teenagers, they shouldn’t have to be reminded to get a small gift of sweets or a book or similar for their parents. Young teens might need reminding by the opposite parent to get something small (and be given a bit of extra money to do so). Nothing needs to be expensive — my 13 y o made an embroidered brooch from a kit for me, and got her dad some chocolate — it’s the thought that counts. It’s part of growing up and learning to be in a family; and if you aren’t showing your kids how to do this it’s poor parenting IMO.

Good point. In my family in the run up to Christmas we’d have various discussions asking what kind of things each other would like as presents. This includes my teenage children….

I don’t think that’s unusual as it was the same with my ex and my current partner’s families.

Didn’t you discuss presents at all? Didn’t you think it a bit odd if they never once asked you or your DH what you wanted?

I suspect she probably did, but seeing as she organised absolutely everything else, perhaps she shouldn’t have.

I’d be asking them why they don’t do Christmas presents? And if going forward they’d like to stop Christmas presents, no point you getting them presents if it’s not something they want to participate in…

see what they want to do for next year? Also do check with them about birthday presents

its clearly a conversation that needs to be tackled and it might be best to do it all together

Although I don’t see it as pure greed! I do agree with you that it shouldn’t be expected to receive gifts from the kids.

Op - just wanted to let you know that I have found the teen years the hardest by a million miles. I’m sorry they didn’t get you anything and I have no constructive advice on that but just letting you know that there are others who struggle with teens!