Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

OMG. Never ever would I got away with that - EVER!! You need a serious stern blazing row with your whole family stipulating what is expected of them. And if not they obey. It will be world war 3.

My mother made it crystal clear that all birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas was never ever forgotten, no matter what. Even if I had exams, holidays, working 7 days a week & penniless.

I used to hand make presents for my mum and dad as well as bought gifts and I would be looking for things in the sales, and all year around.

Massive amounts of effort was put into making cards, and exactly the right bought card as I trawled around the shops. I spent hours on EBay looking for exactly the right gift to make my parents smile & be delighted.

I bought presents even when I was penniless, and even wrapped presents when I was working 3 jobs a week/100 hour working week.

I handmade birthday cakes, Christmas cakes, and put in VAST amounts of effort.

I was told to use Google reminders for birthdays, so nobody is forgotten.

Even if your kids have nothing, they can hand make a card even from rubbish in the recycling bin and 10 minutes of their time, colouring in.

You have allowed this fiasco to grow by not laying down the law.

Expect to be treated like dirt going forward. Just because you refuse to have screaming matches so your kids never ever forget their duties within the family.

good luck!

Not something I’d expect a teenager to do, different if they were in full time work. If you want something buy it yourself.

To me christmas is about the day, making the kids happy and just having a relaxing day off with the ones i love.i dont get presents until i visit family boxing day and i dont care , i dont give my children presents to recieve them no matter how old they are i do it because it makes them happy and if i dont get presents in return then its not the end of the world i can go and buy myself what i want its not a big deal to me

I can remember at 8/9/10 I definitely either made something (bookmark/bath salts/horrible cake/coconut ice) or bought something really cheap (woolworths!) for my parents/grandparents but likely not siblings or anyone else. I think my pocket money was pennies in 1975/6 so absolutely made an effort. 60 now. There is no excuse for not making a card. Mind you by 11 I could cook, make pastry, sausage rolls, decent cake, roast chicken etc

Jesus I make it very clear that I expect a thoughtful present (two teen DS) and DH pays them back. I am not doing any martyrdom like my mother did. I drop hints, I write lists and reminds them about three weeks before my birthday & Christmas.

I would be hopping mad. Hence all the reminders + DH reminds them too.

three line whip for birthday and next Christmas!

I wouldn't find this ok at all, but from a very early age, we have always made sure everyone in the family has a gift, there would be no giftless persons, we chat about presents and lists, and I give out some ideas to my mum, my children and so on for myself in return for my gifts. In other words, I act as if I'm getting a gift! I have never gone without a gift or treats on Mothers Day, birthdays or Christmas and I wouldn't expect to, it's part of reciprocal gift giving but you do have to model this and help children when young, If you make yourself a bit invisible and your husband doesn't step up, it won't happen and then you end up where you are now. Did you ask- what are you getting your Dad? What about your siblings? Don't worry about me, a token gift is fine (thereby establishing it's normal to gift!)

Isn't it embarrassing to be doing gift-opening with two people not getting gifts? We do it in turns and it would be awful if some people didn't get hardly any.

Honestly that’s terrible and rude of them. They are all old enough to buy yiu something whether alone or with dh help

did you remind them to buy for dad

my dd8 loves choosing stuff for me and has done since not with dh

a friend takes her

My 13 year old especially is a bit OTT with presents if anything. She saved her pocket money and also got money off their dad and their nan to buy for me. She went shopping with 16 year old sibling who doesn’t particularly like shopping and they got me loads of things for a stocking and then a main present. Stems from one year when they realised Santa hadn’t filled my stocking and it was still hanging on Christmas Day. I’m a single parent and their dad always sent a present over from them but the stocking was always just ignored. The following year I left some things from the elf to wrap up secretly from me and then a further year their nan took their shopping for little bits from home bargains. Since they’ve had their own bank accounts they’ve wanted to do their own shopping. They wanted me to have a little pile like they usually have to make it fair. The 13 year old made some lovely choices as well. Should also say she goes over board with her friends and bought them more things than I thought were needed. She’s a people pleaser though.

I think it's normal, teens have enough to deal with, it's a very difficult age. I asked my teen to paint the bathroom as my christmas present which is something they wanted to do anyway., They did half and I did the rest. I think something like this where you gently introduce the idea of things being reciprocal is better than pushing hard for an actual gift. I do offer to help my teen get his dad a present for father's day, you have to "coach" this stuff it's developmentally normal for teens to be selfish. They'll likely get you a present when they're older and have jobs.

OP- your children’s behaviour was selfish, insensitive and hurtful, but they should have been brought up to show their love and appreciation and especially on birthdays and Christmas. It’s appalling that others should think it’s normal.Tell them how you feel, and that things must change in future, or you will be treating them as they are treating you!

Yabu its terrible.
Dont buy for them. There is no gratitude.
When you see parents giving their children presents and indulging/spoiling them, I always think wonder what the kids gave them?
Or when they are filming the kids getting their presents, why arent you being filmed receiving yours from them. Its all one way, as you have proved.
Sad.

My kids love buying us gifts. We take it in turns to open presents and DH and I have always bought a few things for us to open and wrapped stuff "from the kids" even when they were very little. Just choc or booze or socks etc. it would be really noticeable if we had no presents since we take it in turns!

Even when they were younger I encouraged them to buy gifts for each other with a few pounds in the supermarket or charity shop.

My 12 year old saved her pocket money this year and spent a few pounds on all of us.

My point being that we've always made a big deal about gifting and it's just something they enjoy doing now.

Sorry you missed out. If they're teens they're old enough to be told that you were disappointed.

Absolutely not normal for teens to do that. Teens can be selfish at times but to go out their way to be actively dickish to their mum? No. There is no way they wouldn’t have thought about gift giving at some point this month.
My DD bought me a wee necklace from the Christmas market and wrote a letter of gratitude to me and her father. I’d be very hurt too if my teens behaved like yours have.

Sounds like your teenagers are copying in your husbands footsteps !
Time to retrain them before it’s too
late !

How rude and self absorbed.

My children aren't teens yet, and they've always made gifts for DH and I for special occasions, as well as chosen things with either parent in the shops. They wanted to do that. Those gifts are precious to me; painted rocks, sparkly silly Christmas earrings, massive silly slippers. I make a huge fuss of whatever they give me, as does DH.

This year both of them made me little clay bowls. They came with me and chose fun fluffy gloves for DH and a picture frame of us all together for his desk. They glow with happiness and excitement in the run up, wrap the gifts themselves, and love every moment of seeing our joy.

I have absolutely no concerns that they're going to grow up to be adults who don't show appreciation to their partners on special days. Thoughtful gifts, not last minute tat grabbed from a shelf to satisfy a demand they think they're above meeting. There are plenty of ways of showing love the rest of the time too, and we all most certainly do, but I won't raise a pair of ungrateful swines who think their loved ones exist only to serve them their gifts and don't require a token of appreciation in return.

I’m very surprised at anyone saying the kids shouldn’t be giving presents. It’s not ‘greedy’ to expect young people who are getting a lot to put some thought into finding or making a suitable gift.

Learning to give is an important - vital - life skill. It teaches so much and will transform their experience and appreciation of receiving.

Lovely!

You're a loon.

They must have been reading Mumsnset, and all the threads about hating receiving presents, that Christmas should be banned, or be once every four years, think of all that plastic tat going to landfill, etc.

What a weird response - obviously getting your children to give you gifts is not about greedily demanding whatever inexpensive item they give - its about teaching children to think of others and show consideration.

It sounds a bit soppy but it also gives your children an opportunity to think about how they feel about you and what they want to say- my hand-written cards from my girls are some of the loveliest things I've ever got and I keep them in my memory box and when I am old and grey I shall reread them lots of times.

Giving gifts isn't about receiving monetary value consumer items, it's about showing someone you care about them and that they are valued by you, doesn't need to be expensive, but if there's no thought of you or even a big bar of chocolate at Christmas for you, that's awful and I would make an effort to make that right for next year by making a list for all family members and demonstrate how you can all get something for everyone (or do a Secret Santa and include mum and dad, or model buying gifts for dad).

This is so hurtful and I would also be sad. It’s not about the materialistic value of a gift but the appreciation and thought behind it. I would be having a big chat with them all including your dh!!

I have always taken my dc to get gifts for everyone - friend and I used to swap kids at the £shop when they were little so they could buy whatever they wanted and it was all big random surprise, but we continued to help each others kids (both single mums) as they got older. Now they do a Christmas Eve box for me the way I have done for them. They also buy for each other, partners and their grandparents with no input from me.

online and buy yourself something glorious for Christmas (I do this too!!) and have a chat with your family about how it makes you feel!

Amazed you have excused their rotten, selfish behaviour.

Pure greed and selfishness to expect a little thoughtfulness and consideration back from your nearly adult children? Honestly, how absurd.

Yes it’s developmentally normal for youngsters to be self absorbed but it’s the parents job to teach them otherwise. The excuse about plastic tat is weak.

Dd1 got me a book by my favourite author from a local independent book shop got me dd2 a candle for my desk as I was saying I enjoy having a candle on the go. In a glass case that can be recycled and the candle burns away. Both did a Christmas card with a lovely message of appreciation.

Neither spent more than £12 but its thoughtfulness is there. Don’t they find it awkward when you lavish them with gifts and they get you absolutely nothing?