Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

Yes, I wonder that too. There are all sorts of things I don’t personally care too much about, but know it matters socially and professionally. I’m personally not particularly fussed about presents either, but I wouldn’t be helping my kids if I allowed them to think gift giving and receiving was completely unimportant to life, and part of being thoughtful and building rapport and relationships.

Dd2 has already had many amazing life experiences and benefits from having brilliant social skills and being likeable. That’s how you get on in life. Baffled parents of teens don’t realise this or teach it.

This is partly on your dh. He should have asked to take them shopping. My dd16 can be selfish, but she will ask her dad for a lift to go get presents and same with dd14, she really needs reminding.

@waterrat

I have to say OP, your husband should not have let it get to xsmas eve without checking in on all the teens - just making sure you have thought of your mum???

Surely the same applies to the OP as they didn’t get anything for their Dad too.

And it’s equally on the OP as they didn’t get him anything either according to the OP!

I totally agree with this. I told
my DD as soon as she was old enough that all I want is a cup of tea and if you are passing the florists a bunch of flowers.

So no presents for Christmas. I did give presents to DD, SIL and DGC and nieces and nephews. I bought lovely food from Fortnum and Masons for DH, which we will eat on NYE. DH did not buy me a present. We just don’t! I am quite minimalist about “stuff”.

But OP, unless you have had this conversation with your DC, not receiving anything must be quite baffling as well as hurtful.

Pure greed and selfishness to expect your teenagers to be a bit thoughtful and think of someone other than themselves, in particular someone that does a lot for them all year round?! I don’t think so 🙈

It’s a terrible message for young people. How on earth will they learn how to behave in their own relationships if you’ve manufactured a weird messiah complex with you giving and giving and expecting nothing in return? You’ve actually done them a massive disservice.

I don't envy their future partners, spouses or children tbh!

So you have raised thoughtless, selfish little shits…..nothing to be proud off 🙄

Are you sure there hasn't been mixed messaging? EG. "Dont worry about getting me anything". But teenagers can be utterly thoughtless and I'm sure they would be upset if they knew how hurt you were. Note for next year for both you and dh to prompt them.

These young people will likely want to have relationships and friendships with other people as they journey through life, and whether you like it or not they will be expected to remember and go to the effort of sourcing and giving a card and or gift to show regards and appreciation. This understanding of how relationships work should start in childhood to help prepare them in adult life. Or they will end like the useless ignorant’D’ P’s you read about every day on here!!

@Rosealea I disagree, it’s how you start teaching children to start thinking of others, and how they will behave for their partners etc in future. It’s not because you want them to spend a shitload of cash on you, you just want to teach them to think about other people!

Dd2 has a lovely first boyfriend she got him a thoughtful present and a secret Santa with her friendship group so one present between 6 if them.

How have you taught your teens to think of others if you have inculcated in them that they are so special they don’t need to buy presents for anyone? Won’t lead to particularly happy lives will it?

Id say calling other people's children little shits is nothing to be proud of either.

It’s not great though is it? I would be ashamed of a 16 plus young adult who didn’t think of others. They are not 3.

I would be very hurt. I think teaching children to be thoughtful and to enjoy giving is a very important skill.

I get way more enjoyment out of giving thoughtful gifts than receiving them and hope I have taught my children that as well.

They also buy gifts for their siblings.

You definitely need to have a chat with your children about this - not just so they buy you gifts but so they realise the importance of being thoughtful towards their friends and future partners.

I don't care about receiving presents, either (especially when I'm the one paying for them, ultimately!). I have nonetheless insisted that DH and I both get birthday cards and presents, and Christmas presents, from the DC. This is for three reasons: (1) they learn the joy that comes from choosing and giving thoughtful gifts to others rather than only the joy of receiving; (2) they understand that all members of our family matter and are deserving of notice and appreciation; and (3) if they have partners in the future who expect cards or gifts to be exchanged on special occasions (as is the case with most people), they will be used to that idea already and so hopefully won't let their partners down.

It's not about the cost (homemade cards and gifts are gorgeous, especially from children, and DH and I pay for the gifts from our minor DC) - it's about showing appreciation in a visible, tangible and socially standard way.

Where was DH, why was Christmas all down to you? How did teens react when they realised you didn’t have anything from any of them.

So you wouldn't like a gift or card from your daughter on your birthday or mother's day?

but that’s exactly what they are….and you raised em …not me

Do you not have birthday's or Mothers day then? Not even a bunch of daffodils for Mothers day?
I'd say thats bringing up kids to treat you and others terribly IMO.
Obviously no one is expecting children to spend loads, but a token "I thought of you" would be expected absolutely.

Seriously...wtf. calling someone else's children little shits when I've literally said adults in our family don't get gifts at Christmas. Only children in our family get Christmas presents. You literally know nothing about my DC except that.

Fascinating to see how your kids deal with presents for their partners when they grow up….

But what joy when your child appreciates you with a card from the card factory that they have gone and chosen for you .