Nothing from teens

[Rebecca7300]

I’m hurt that my 3 teens - 13, 16 & 17 didn’t get me a single thing for Christmas. No Christmas card, no chocolate bar. I put in a lot of effort for Christmas and do it all by myself & I just feel so under appreciated. They all get pocket money & live near shops. My husband got me some earrings that I knew about because we chose them together but no surprises, no card. I just feel very sad. Is it normal that teens just ignore you at this age? I’m really finding these teenage years very, very difficult.

When they were younger, did you help them buy a gift for their Dad and he do the same for you? Then they learn about choosing gifts and eventually they can do it without help although tbh I’d still probably give a little bit of money for it if they don’t have a part time job. I don’t like the idea of teaching children that Christmas is only about them receiving gifts, it should also be about giving.

@comedycook - my family is not materialistic - my son gave me earrings that cost a few quid from a market stall. I mean literally they probably cost £2. my daughter gave me a game she got for a few pounds in a charity shop - they are 13 and 11.

I think there is something gross and materialistic about kids sitting surrounded by gifts - while it doesn't cross their mind that it is also nice to hand a thoughtful present to their mum/dad /grandad -

I see it as part of growing up - just learning that it is a nice feeling to think of someone else.\

I do agree of course that a lot of christmas is wasteful! and materialistiic - but as long as it's happening and presents are being given out, I think its not great for kids to miss out on the learning steps of gift giving - itrs a life skill!

Like everything else, you teach it, as per my post at 17:07.

It's really not. Don't be such a martyr.

But you said you don't get a gift from your child for your birthday either. Gift giving is thinking about someone else and making them feel happy and special and appreciated.

Do they at least buy you a birthday card?

Thanks everyone. It’s helped me to see that others would be upset too because you can feel like you are crazy in a house full of teens! The kids have very much been brought up with values of thinking of others. On their modest Christmas wish list they were always encouraged to think of a kind thing for someone else & until the last 1 or 2 years I always took them to do their Christmas shopping. On Christmas Eve I took daughter to choose for others- granny, aunties, siblings so I was very shocked and hurt. They have, on the whole given something most other years, often homemade etc. I know I just have to draw a line under it and move on. Yes they did not get anything for their dad either. Maybe a bit of bad luck that all three didn’t give us anything this year! 😮🫣

there are SO many threads on mumsnet on xmas/boxing day by women who have been completely forgotten - by dad/ by kids

I think that the dads who are not remembering mum may have been brought up never being encouraged to think of their own mum whern they were teens.

I have to say OP, your husband should not have let it get to xsmas eve without checking in on all the teens - just making sure you have thought of your mum???

You are not wrong to be upset. It doesn’t need to cost a lot but they should be buying small gifts.

when I was a teen my mum gave me a small allowance to buy Christmas presents.
my own kids 16 and 19 both bought me something small otherwise I wouldn’t have any presents to unwrap on Christmas Day. (Divorced and my own mum is unwell and not up to buying presents anymore) . I would have been upset to have nothing. That’s not being greedy.
eldest dd actually put a lot of thought into the present and I was really touched.

My dd got be nothing. She is 15 and extremely selfish.

@Rosealea it's not greed as I could not care less what they give me - and obviusly it's a tiny thing I could easily buy for myself.

Do you think parents are actually asking for 'big stuff' from their kids! that they are just too tight to get themselves? ! no, its about encouraging children to think of others with something small.

Gift-giving is an important social ritual and there are many occasions in life when it's the done thing. It doesn't need to be materialistic but I think it's important to make some small effort to think about what someone else might like as well as respect the principle of reciprocity, i.e. you give as well as receive. I'm surprised to read about older teens who don't give presents.
In sum I'd be very upset too OP but is this a one-off? Do your kids normally give presents?

I very much believe that Christmas is for children...I was talking to a colleague who told me that basically her entire months wages were going on Christmas presents because they have to buy a gift for every single person in their family. It's all utter madness to me.

I wonder if the parents who don't expect any presents, even token gifts, have taught their kids basic manners. You know the ones that will get them by socially and professionally.

We had to have sharp words when they were mid teens. Now they are late teens we get a thoughtful gift and lovely cards thanking us for all we do. I would be furious with nothing not that I want a gift but they need to learn not to be selfish gits.

why do you do Christmas all by yourself? I thought you were a single Mum but then you mentioned your husband!

Are the teens all boys? Maybe they see you do everything for your husband while he sits on his bum and they’re copying him…

My DD makes me a card...or DH gets one from him and DC. I'm not fussed about whether they give me a specific one just from them.

I mean this Christmas I didn't get DH anything and he didn't get me anything...as I said we only buy for kids in our family. Throughout the year, we are both generous with each other. We just don't really care about whether we get a specific Christmas present.

Talk to them op, maybe have a conversation a reasonable time before next Christmas and decide what you’re all doing in terms of presents so they know what’s expected if they’re not in the habit of regular present buying and make sure they have funds etc.

Mine don’t buy for me and DH but we don’t buy for each other either and always tell them to save their money. My 16yo has a nice little job but my 14 yo only gets the money we give him as pocket money and I’d feel bad if he went without to spend it on something I probably don’t need / want anyway.

How we do it with DD14 is each of us takes her to choose gifts for the other (Xmas and birthdays) and we pay for them. She is ND but even NT teens I would imagine may need a bit of help organisation wise and financially. If you didn't help or prompt them to buy for your DH either then I'm not sure how upset you should be

I have taken over helping my grandson to buy presents for his parents and little sister. This year we went to a garden centre and he chose all the gifts we tried to stick to a budget and it was quite a challenge for him not to get anything for himself. He helped wrap them wrote the labels and was excited to hand them out. It’s a lovely thing we do together and when his sister starts school I will do it with her as well. Sometimes the presents are a bit random! But thinking about what his little sister would like was especially good. I think he enjoyed it and it stops Christmas being all about him. But then I don’t think Christmas is just for children.

I’d argue not acknowledging your parent at Christmas with any kind of gift (cost doesn’t matter - it could be a few loving words in a generic card if money was an issue) is much more “vile”, as it’s taking the people we love for granted.

Well not if you've never seen the adults in your family receive a Christmas gift

It has to be taught to them early. Presents don't have to be expensive, just chosen with the person in mind. Even my 4 year old gives gifts to me and her siblings. I give her a tenner and let her loose in poundland. I help her wrap her siblings gifts and eldest helps her wrap mine. They get so much joy out of it too.

Raising children with low or no expectations is doing them no favours at all.

All you'll end up raising is entitled, selfish little brats whose partners will be on here in 15, 20 years time, crying about what a thoughtless inconsiderate knob they are.

My Dad says that and I wouldn’t dream of not buying him anything. I made him a hamper of home made treats and added some practical gifts and he was very moved. My children also bought him gifts. You are setting your kids up to be those adults who turn up at houses empty handed, and accept that as normal. Their future partners will also suffer. Teach to give what you can afford to and not expect anything off those who can’t.
My husband grew up in a family who didn’t give gifts and he buys me little things all the time.

This isn’t acceptable. Teenagers are
selfish, lack awareness and are self absorbed but who forgets to get DM a Christmas present.

My DGD 14, texted me asking me to get presents from her and DGS, for their DM and DF. I did, I had a word with her and got her to transfer the money from her account to pay for them.

Please speak to them about this. If they do not know that this is something they should do then they need to be told. It would be interesting to know what the say in their defence!

They Will most probably blame it on Dad or each other!

Dd2 17 was most excited about how her gifts would be received - I got a thoughtful item I had mentioned I wanted she got my mum a framed photo of the two of them paid for by her Saturday job. That’s the sort of young person I am glad to have raised not some lump with a pile of presents themselves who has not purchased one thing for anyone else. Quite obscene thinking about it.