To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

Yes, this.

I have to agree with this. My friends and I discuss dealing with our parents' care needs, which can be helpful. But we don't help each other practically.

As for siblings: a good relationship is never garuanteed. We have cousins who literally never see each other.

I was in hospital a few years ago next to an older lady who was speaking to someone, saying she and her husband never had children and it was always great, but now they were older he wasn't able to drive anymore so couldn't visit her, and their friends couldn't visit or help either. Another woman had six daughters who rotated their visits and someone was always there with her and comforting her and each other.

I actually made the decision to have a second baby in the hospital and conceived that month.

Of course there is a difference between no children and one, but hearing this woman talk, I didn't want my child to eventually be on their own dealing with these things.

The thing is though, it’s surely insane to have a second baby purely so your first won’t be hypothetically dealing with aging parents on their own. You have to actually want another one. If you don’t, what are you meant to do?

I work in adult social care and every big family I meet have been a war with each other. I've yet to come across a situation where there's four or more children all supporting their elderly parents equally and in harmony and I've worked with a LOT of families.

Even the ones with just two children, it more often than not it comes down to one person doing all the work.

I think the OP means is that she could rely on her friends emotionally for support. This is certainly the case for me. I've had a few family crises recently and this idea that siblings will all pull together and support each other has certainly bypassed my siblings.

I am 1 of 3 siblings from a v close family - but we all have one child each and due to our ages / circumstances that is unlikely to change. It’s just the way it’s worked out for a variety of (different) reasons.
Our kids all get on as cousins even tho we all live hours apart.
I have considered every argument for having a second (especially the sibling one), but my dd is high energy, sociable and this way we can give her all our time and other resources. Affordability and time of life was a factor for us stopping at one - which is something I don’t think enough people consider enough (the poorest families and children I know struggle and go without and always have multiple children).
Of course dd mentions and is curious about brothers and sisters, but she loves and looks after her dolls, pet, family and friends and we hopefully keep her busy and in our good company. I also don’t see any reason as she grows up why she will not have an external support network and family of her own to support her into our old age and after we’re gone.
Why do people think there are only siblings left to support as adults - and also siblings are not an anti loneliness pass. I would wager everyone has felt lonely as a child and adult, siblings or no. It is dependant on so many factors.

Yep same. We have almost 4 years between our 2. It took over 2 years for me to recover psychologically fro having our first, then took a year to conceive 2nd time round, plus the pregnancy. I was 38 by time I had her, and after a horrible scare with her during pregnancy, and then turned out fine, we didn't want to chance our luck a third time. DH woyod have liked a 3rd a think, after being an only child he was keen for siblings, but fully accepted my wish to stick at 2.

My DH was an only, and he definitely felt like he missed out. He had lots of friends, and his parents were very welcoming (I think they wanted more but couldn't have) - he tells me how they turned their garage into his 'hang out' with sofa beds and there would regularly be 5 or 6 lads there every weekend, his friends view DH's parents as their 2nd parents. Big family too. But in those personal family moments, like holidays, Christmas day etc when all his friends were with their families, he said he felt lonely. DH is much more sociable than me, so maybe you are right about that, but he always says he felt something was missing. He is very close to my brothers, I think that has given him something he really craved - he talks to them more than I do!

I wasn't an only, and I don't know any other adults who were so only have DH as a reference. Some of my 2 DD's friends are onlys and they also seem to struggle with sharing adult and other children's attention. Not at all saying all onlys ate like this, just my experience

Surely you outgrow your ‘cultural reasons’? I’m in my 50s, also Irish and grew up Catholic in a family of seven, far more than my parents could afford emotionally or financially, and surrounded by families of four or five or six or seven children. Ten or twelve weren’t that unusual among my classmates. DH, from a similar background, is the youngest of five, and his mother is the oldest of 13. It still never occurred to us that having one child wasn’t ’a family’. For us it was a positive choice.

If you physically can have another child or two please, please do.

I'm an only child and by coincidence know eleven friends and acquaintances who are also only children male and female. We're at a stage in life where parents are getting older and each one of us is really struggling for a variety of reasons. It's not about hours or tasks or care, it's the psychological part of being the only one on hand, being 100% responsible, very guilty and being manipulated into doing things they really struggle with, more of a problem for my male friends.

Myself and two friends didn't realise until well into adult life that there were issues in our upbringings that weren't right - all different - but not having a sibling to check things out with, shared memories, shared experiences etc, someone to run something past who know the parents as well as you do is simply horrific.

None of us felt this way as children but my goodness being an only child as an adult isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

Please don't do the only child thing to.yiuf child.

Marvellous - another thread to add to my collection telling me how shit and awful I am to have one child and how my child will inevitably have a miserable life. Good old Mumsnet.

Yep. People look at me like I’ve got two heads when I say I only want one child. If we won’t the lottery, I’d have 4, but 1 is what we can afford right now. I do worry that I’ll regret it, but the thought of struggling puts me off.

Well my parents won’t be getting any visits or help from me (an only) because I don’t like them very much and have no desire or inclination to help them beyond maybe selling their house and plonking them in a care home. So not all onlies will be dealing with it alone, some of us simply won’t do it at all. I don’t know if it’s anything to do with being an only but I put myself first pretty much all the time and as a result rarely if ever seem to have the problems many people on here encounter regarding family obligations, servitude or people pleasing.

Maybe you and your friends are just unusually maladjusted or helpless?

I had my first child because I had a strong yearning to be a mother. I felt that again for my second 5 years later, I wanted to have that experience again, it wasn't because I felt any pressure. It was a strong desire.

Yes, there’s a lot of misunderstanding and stereotypes still around bringing up an only child. People, family, friends guilt you into having a second because they did and they never questioned it as optional.

A mum lost her mother recently, her father is having mental illness issue and she is the one caring for him because her brother is gone ‘no contact’ (!). She has a fourteen year child and after many miscarriages just had a baby at 40+.The birth had complications and she’s in bed still with pain. She wanted the baby so much because she didn’t want her son to be ‘alone in the world’. I don’t even know where to start with this scenario…

For anyone on the fence about having an only child the best researched book I came across is ‘One and Only, the freedom of having an only child and the joy of being one’. Spoiler - your dc is going to be fine.

It’s extremely naive to assume your children will all live nearby when you reach old age.
The world our kids are growing up in is so different to the one we experienced. So many move abroad, often far away and often permanently.
I won’t be relying on my child to look after me in my dotage. I hope he’ll be living it up with a great life in a warm country!

That is not my experience, nor is it that of the many people I know without siblings.

@Rosealea your comments are hurtful. Some people can’t have more children and what you say about our only children is nasty.

All I can do is love my only child and give him the best life possible. He will make friend’s for life and hopefully marry and have all the emotional support he needs for a fulfilled life.

for all of you horrible women commenting how lovely children can be. Grow up. Think about people who have tried for years to have children and can’t. And you are gloating about your happy multi sibling families. Who knows what they’ll think when they’re older about their own families

@bookworm14 it's only really on Mumsnet that I have encountered so much hostility towards being one and done. I suspect that a lot of this comes from a very small subset people who secretly wish they had stuck to one trying to reassure themselves that it was "worth it".

I don't think anyone who always wanted two, three or more kids and enjoyed it gives a flying f**k about other people's family sizes. It's more likely that former fence sitters who dithered for a while, but then just went for it and had a second in less than ideal circumstances, and then find they have bitten off more than they can chew, are the ones getting irate about the idea that someone else might recognise their limits, make a different choice and have a less stressful life as a result.

@LongBreath I don't think anyone entirely outgrows their culture, its an inherent part of you but you choose to stick with it or not. By culture I don't just mean my early childhood I mean my current culture too, everyone i know has 2, 3 or 4. I'm not saying I was just following the herd, I really wanted more children but I'm saying that want or need for more probably came from my culture, if that makes sense.

I was lucky in that i was one of 3, my siblings are wonderful people and we are close. We were quite wealthy so i had everything a person could want including my own room, foreign holidays and eating out in good restaurants. I didn't experience the oversized poor Catholic family with traditional roles that can give a negative perception of a large family. We were quite unusual in that my mother and grandmother were feminists for their time who each opened their own business. I grew up beside cousins all who were similar sized families of 3 or 4 children. Dh is also one of 3. For both of us it was very much the norm of a happy family unit. It took time to shake off that perception and see different alternatives.

I'm not an only child, but my brothers moved abroad to countries their wives came from, so I still will be solely responsible for my parents. My mum was 1 of 4. Her sister was born when her mum was young and also quite elderly when my grandma needed help. Her 2 brothers are pretty useless, so my mum was left doing majority. My Dads brother also moved abroad when my Dad was young, so he ended up looking after his parents on own. His brother only reappeared for the funeral to claim his Inheritance and then left again. My Dad would have been better off being an only child for all the use my uncle was, at least he could have kept all the inheritance 😂

Similar here.

I have 1 brother, I wanted a brother, I waited 10 years for this brother, I got my baby brother, and now my baby brother is a young adult with significant mental disabilities. The onset of schizophrenia, explosive personality disorder, suicidal ideation, anorexia, addiction. I could go on.

I have an only child, neurodivergent. I'm one and done, and people always ask who will be his peer when I'm elderly, or when I'm gone, but I am my brothers peer and I am so helpless to him. I can't fix him, and he will be no support to me when our mum grows old and needs care, or when she passes. In fact, he's likely to become an additional liability to me.

Despite everything, we are close, but I am pouring from an empty cup and his cup has holes in the bottom.

My mum was one of 4, and one of her brothers also has schizophrenia, and went off the tracks, and didn't want helping and now he is a burden. It's horrible to say that, but he has done some horrible things to our family, stealing, bringing the police to our door, turning up in the middle of the night off his face on a cocktail of substances, and it is partly down to poor access to mental health and medical services and partly down to consistently poor life choices. When my Nan passes away, I worry for my mum and her other siblings and the mantle they will have to pick up to save whatever modicum of care has been secured, for a man who has been vile to us.

I'm sure when my Nan had her kids she thought they'd grow up and she'd have one big happy family, and then my mum definitely thought 2 kids was the done thing, was necessary for ongoing support for each other as she aged, but now it's becoming evident she's set me up as a lifetime carer when I myself am disabled, with a disabled child too.

People need to consider the future in so much depth when planning a family.

So you don't qualify a family of two parents and one child or a single parent family as a 'proper' family or of having 'close family connections'? Families come in all shapes and sizes for many different reasons. Family can be everything to them too - why wouldn't it be? Are you not capable of imagining something outside your own sphere of experience?

I am so, so glad I have a sister. She was a true godsend when our second parents became ill and our mother had already gone. Now they're both gone, and she's my connection to my past. We share so many memories and supported each other through clearing the house and tying up the estate. I'm so glad I had her to share the load.

She's also very different from me, and I think that has enriched my life.

Of course, you should only have a second if you want one. But I believe that siblings are very valuable. I don't have kids and my husband left me. With our parents dead, I'd have no one now if I didn't have her and the three niblings.