To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

It's not nonsense. I'd have been really lonely without my sister growing up.

It's normal to have a biological urge for a second child when the first one gets to 18 months / 2 years so it's not surprising so many do.
We couldn't be happier with our two - they are so close and both of us value the support of siblings in adulthood so we wanted that for ours.

It is much much harder than with one though, no two ways about it.

I definitely agree with you. I think people have a 2nd child on autopilot and just assume there will be another child. I got really broody for my first child and never felt that broodiness again so never had a second child. My experience with my son was that being a mum really wasn't easy, he was an awful sleeper, he had colic and I was basically like a single parent as his dad did nothing. Needless to say we broke up. I could have had a second child with someone I met after the break up but I always made sure I was on the pill as I knew I didn't want another.one. now I'm 45, so that ship has definitely sailed.
Coming from a large family myself , I definitely don't think having siblings is the be all and end all, a couple of my siblings are dicks and not people I would choose as friends let alone family.

I'm often surprised that a lot of people who were clearly struggling and unhappy with a first child go on to have a second but it's none of my business really.

I have an only child and people are weird about onlies. I feel like my parenting is under more scrutiny and other mums do treat me slightly differently.

I met my husband late, had my son in my late 30s. If I wanted another one I would have had to crack on and do it very quickly, but I wasn't ready as my son was a terrible sleeper til age 2, had colic, I had a birth injury, my DH had a bunch of health issues and we had a complicated elder care situation on our hands too (DHs parent). Now, according to conventional wisdom I should have just powered on in order to "give" my son a sibling but I actually think it would have tipped us over the edge so I took a decision not to.

I still think I made the best decision for my family but the cultural conditioning is strong and I feel an immense amount of shame and guilt where logically I know I shouldn't.

This is interesting

I’m an only child and also feel that some people are weird about only children.

The person who’s been most weird with me about only children is my own mum!!!!! - but that’s the subject of a different thread altogether …

So I don’t disagree with you - but out of curiosity / in what way do other mothers treat you differently?

Also why do you think you feel guilt and shame about having an only child?

My personal view is that the people who are weird about only children skew towards the narrow minded, Daily Fail types

If it’s any consolation though I can SO relate to feeling guilty and overly responsible for things i know I shouldn’t 😭

The feeling can be crippling at times ..

@Olinguita I too feel a great deal of shame and guilt about only having one child and feel an immense amount of pressure to have another. It something that consumes me daily.

Can I ask why the shake and guilt ?

Playing Devil’s Advocate, I think being an only child is a great preparation for adulthood when for various reasons people find themselves alone a lot of the time. Children learn to be independent and resourceful as only children - this is a good thing!

@WareColkar , I have a similar experience to @Olinguita and I would say that it's an undercurrent of you not being considered a "proper" parent because you stopped at one.

So some parents who you befriended when you had your first, start to get weird with you once they announce their second pregnancy and it's clear you're not going to be doing the same. It's basically like you're no longer in the club.

Ah I now understand totally. Thanks for taking time to respond to my question. Very narrow minded of them I think

We had DC1 as it felt like the “done thing” after marriage as opposed to simply having a desperate urge to have a child.

However, we had DC2 because I enjoyed pregnancy and all aspects of new motherhood so much that I wanted to do it again, as well as it being very important to us that DC1 wasn’t an only child.

So looking back, we had much better reasons for having DC2 than we did DC1.

Why did you feel it was so important for your DC1 not to be an only child?

I’m an only child and I definitely felt that some aspects of being an only child were difficult - so I understand your possible reasons

I find that a particularly difficult thing about being an only child is the personal abuse you get when you try to speak about it from people who find your experience painful to hear.

Being an only child doesn’t mean your child is doomed to a life of misery. It is absolutely not the worst possible outcome for a child by any means. And, honestly, there’s no one optimal family set-up - just like with everything else in life, you get the cards you’re dealt and there are advantages and disadvantages to most situations. But that doesn’t mean that only children should be gaslit, blamed or made fun of when they try to speak about their experience.

People aren’t lying just because they had a different experience from you. I never had any longing for a sibling, certainly never asked my parents for one! Whenever I went round friends’ houses as a kid the most common experience was that my friends would get into arguments with their younger siblings when I just wanted to get on with whatever game we were playing.
It wasn’t until I was 17 and had a boyfriend with two siblings of a similar age and a little brother that I realised that there could be benefits of having a larger family. Also remember a friend at that time telling me she was finally getting on with her older sister now she’d gone off to university.

It is nonsense though. You think you would have been lonely without a sibling and that's a valid opinion because it's your opinion what's not valid is how frequently people apply these concepts to every child who is an only child. That's why I called it nonsense.

You can't just ascribe an idea on a whole group of people. For every child who may have wanted a sibling there is another who genuinely didn't and equally for everyone who liked having siblings growing up there's another who would have had a better time without them.

People who use such arguments are indeed talking nonsense.

I just remembered, DH once asked me if I knew why my parents only had one child and to be honest the question had never even occurred to me in over 40 years. That was just the shape of my family - mum, dad and me. And it was fine. I was very good at entertaining myself. As was DH to be fair (one older sibling). Sadly our children in the age of screens and devices haven’t inherited this.

Just because you have more than one doesn’t mean they will take their fair share! My mil was one of 9 and 2 buses away but did majority of the care for her mother. My mum is one of 3 and again fid majority. I often hear women at work who are under a lot of strain and pressure because their siblings aren’t taking their turn and helping with elderly parents.
Personally I don’t expect my child to ‘look after me when I’m elderly’ I want them to enjoy their life. If I cannot care for myself then I will pay for carers, a home or whatever needs be.

I have (at a rough guess), 32 cousins....I wouldn't know any of them if they passed me in the street. Most of them I've never met and I'm 60.

I was lonely growing up and I have 2 siblings.

I was extremely close to my sister growing up, it was like having a best friend who I got to be with all the time. We were close in age and we shared the same friends, the same interests, the same hobbies etc, we were just together all the time and we had so much fun.

That kind of relationship continued through our adolescent years, and into our adult years and although we are mid 40’s now she is still one of my most favourite people to be around. We have our own little bubble and when we are together life just feels very safe and comforting. We are very different people now we are adults but when we are together it feels like we are each other’s missing part coming together again (although I know how cheesy that sounds).

When we get together we can spend hours reminiscing about our childhood, laughing about all the memories we have of the shenanigans we used to get up together and all the fun we had, we just laugh and laugh and laugh, literally until we are crying! All our family and friends used to joke that me and my sister had our own little world together that others just couldn’t penetrate and in a way we still do - we just have this connection, a bond that I will never experience with anyone else. Childhood years are so formative and ours were just wrapped up in each other and so we have a very deep understanding of each other that is very unique to us and our relationship. I just love her to pieces.

She was a massive part of my childhood, she is in every happy memory that I have and she enriched my life so much, we were just inseparable.

Although I know there is no guarantee that siblings will get on with each other it was really important to me that I gave DC1 the opportunity to potentially have a similar special relationship with a sibling of his own.

I think as parents we are really programmed to want the best for our children. We want to think we’ve given them The Best Possible Start. But the reality is much more nuanced and in real life there’s not really any such thing as The Best.

My youngest child has an early January birthday. When I was pregnant a couple of people made thoughtless comments about that being a rubbish time of year to have a birthday and I became obsessively guilty about the fact that I’d ‘given’ him a birthday at a miserable time of year. I went round seeking reassurance from people with early January birthdays, most of whom said yes, an early January birthday is a bit crap sometimes, but there are upsides and they’ve managed to live with it. I even thought about ways I could delay his birth until later on in January.

With the benefit of distance and pregnancy hormones having cleared, I can see how absolutely ridiculous that was. Yes, he doesn’t have ‘The Best’ birthday. But there are upsides to having a January birthday and what even is ‘The Best’ birthday anyway? He will be ok.

I feel similarly about being an only child. I didn’t always love it. On balance, I’d rather have had a happy, healthy sibling relationship. But I recognise there were a multitudes of alternatives that would have been much worse than being an only. I’m very capable of seeing the positives in having been an only child, and I am ok.

I think a lot of people have children full stop because it’s the done thing. I know I did and if I’d thought about it more I definitely wouldn’t have.

This is so true. I work in a similar field with older people and see it all the time. No matter how many siblings there's usually one that does the lion's share and there are many conflicts about the decisions. Prioritising provisions for yourself in older life including a living will and a lasting power of attorney is key whether you have none, one or 12 kids.
People having children in the hope they will look after them when older or that they'll share the load is a nice sentiment but mostly wishful thinking. You have literally no idea what the future holds. I have two siblings. I am left to make all decisions regarding my parents care - my DH is more of a help and this has led to resentment towards one of my sisters because I've tried to include her but she refuses. In fairness to my other sister she lives hunderds of miles away so I understand its not as simple for her. My DH has a sibling but he lives abroad so it will be him dealing with the issue when the time comes. This is why someone should only have another child if they actually want another child, not because of a fragile masterplan. Some people are lucky and their plans work out but others are not.

That's awful people have made you feel that way. I have two but know many people who have stuck to one. My auntie is one of them and of course she's a "proper" parent and fantastic one at that! It's a different experience having two of course but you're by no means any less or more of a parent depending on how many you have.

This is such a depressing and upsetting thread for those who would have loved more than one child but unfortunately were not able to.