To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

I don't like the implication here that parents of only children are somehow neglecting their child's needs. Every decision I make in life is focused on DS's needs - from where we live, to where we choose to go on holiday.

There's been a bit of an undercurrent on this thread that somehow one and done parents are neglectful, or selfish, or must be older, or most insultingly, that one and done parents must not enjoy being parents.

We had DS when I was 28 and DH was 30, and he is the light of my life. I adore being his mum and love spending time with him. But I also had a horrendous pregnancy and birth, and a career which I love and which would take a hit by having another.

Part of our indecision about a second is that we have such a great life, and DS is such a happy, kind, sociable, thriving little boy - I just don't see how his life (or ours) would be enhanced by having another child.

I also am finding the argument of having siblings so that your kids have someone to help look after you and share the grief is a bit bizarre to be honest. I fully intend on trotting myself off to nearest home the second I can't live independently - I really don't want to burden my son with my care. By the time I pop my clogs DS will hopefully have his own great support network- whether that's a partner, friends or his own children.

Only children aren't hermits - we do form meaningful relationships with people we aren't related to.

I watched my mum who has 2 siblings single handedly care for my grandmother for 15 years, she died a day short of 100 and was in a really bad way for a long, long time before that. My uncle provided less than zero help - he essentially forced my grandmother to move out of her apartment and town she lived in so he could give it to his children. My aunt lives within a 30 minute walk from my mom and has never, ever helped, even when my mum was on her knees and begging for help. I wouldn’t call them bad people and my mum has largely forgiven them but it’s very easy to wash your hands off when someone capable and caring steps in.

I'm not an only child (though may as well be with my non-existent sibling relationships) and have two children but I never understand this argument that only children are automatically lonely. Maybe some feel some sense of loneliness of not having siblings but the way many people talk about only children on here makes them out that they live in some isolated island with no other connections.

Last time I checked most only children I knew had relationships with friends, extended family, partners, in-laws, children, family friends, colleagues. I can't see how if you have two children it would be fair to make this one sibling entirely responsible for allievating the others sense of loneliness and be their entire social and emotional support system. Everyone needs networks outwith their family.

I will add, my eldest has loved his baby brother since he was born and their relationship has been a joy to watch and I feel it has enriched his life in this respect. However if we hadn't had a second, I'm confident he would still lead a happy, confident and thriving life. It would just be different that's all, no worse or better, what he would miss out on having a sibling he would gain in other ways. There really is no right or wrong decision apart from the one that works for you.

You have a point. My MIL often tells stories how her first child never slept for the first 2 years and how difficult he was. I asked why she had a second if her life was hell (her words). She looked at me like I had three heads and said that’s what everyone just did.

i have a friend who when I told her i was one and done, said shed rather has no kids than one. For her was zero, two, or more. Well, she had one and now she’s also one and done after living life with a child.

I totally agree with this

I personally think if you are only wondering about having a second DC when your child is already three, it’s perhaps too late. It would mean four years separating them, at best . My DC are 18 months apart and have been best friends all their lives - they are in their late 20s now. It’s been a great joy. It’s something I really wanted for them, because my sister and I are also 18 months apart and I hoped my DC would have the same sort of relationship that my sister and I have.

My sibling and I are 4 years apart. We had a good relationship as children and we have a good and close relationship as adults.

With respect, you only have personal experience of one specific age gap so I am not sure why you think you are qualified to say that other age gaps would be so awful that it's better not to have a second child at all. That's not a valid assertion.

I don’t always get on with my sister but I know she’s always there for me if I need her. A lot of my childhood happy memories are with her or due to sharing things with her. No one understands the crazy that is your own parents except your siblings!!
I love seeing my kids play together and how much they love each other. I think more people to share the fun is good as long as you have the time, money and energy. I know my kids are more confident doing things as they have each other especially my youngest as she can be shy without her big sister.
It has to be right for your family but even though my youngest put my husband off having a third as she is hard work I wouldn’t change our family for the world.

There's actually good evidence to suggest a 4-5 year gap has benefits to both children and parents. And while I don't speak to my sibling now, they were four years older than me and we were close as children and always played together and played together as a big group with our neighbours. And my husband is almost six years older than his brother and they are incredibly close and the absolute best of friends.

As someone said you've only experience of an 18 month age gap so I'm not sure what makes you qualified to say that anything outwith means it's too late or they won't be close. It's absolute nonsense and there is zero evidence to say a four or even five year gap means they won't be close.

Where I grew up and I suspect with most people, a four year age gap was completely normal. It's only on mumsnet people seem to be under the delusion that any age gap over two years means they won't automatically get on.

There's early 8 years between mine and they couldn't be closer.

They're planning a holiday together next year, are in contact daily and have always been inseparable.

Whether siblings get on has far more to do with personalities and home environment than age difference.

The only exception to this would be where the older sibling is already/nearly an adult when the younger is born which I think does impact the dynamic.

I should add my other sibling is a twin. So you can't get a more closer age gap. We have absolutely zero common and have never been close. Couldn't even tell you the last time we spoke.

Whereas my husband and his brother are six years apart. Speak daily, same group of friends now they are adults, go away together a lot, same interests and the absolute best of friends.

I have a DC who is currently 2 and for exactly the same reasons I don't plan on another. I am in the position of feeling guilty and feeling the pressure and hope at 10 I feel the same as you do now ! Thanks for writing this, it's helped me.

Hopefully it will be easier the second time around with less colic etc! I know it's down to luck but lots of friends have found this.

Sorry but as an adult only child, my mum getting cancer was the loneliest I have ever been. I didn't even have to do much care and she has thankfully survived after a horrible battle but I found friends and others people only care in the beginning. Illnesses and treatment take years and people lose interest as they have their own problems. Ultimately, it's not their own mum being ill.

My MIL was less lucky and died 3 years ago. My DH and his siblings really supported each other. Even just by alternating visits etc, it was a vastly different experience to mine. He's only close to one of his siblings but in times like these decent people come together.

And this is one of the reasons I will definitely try for a second.

You raise a good point. I have heard this brought up many many times in my life by friends, neighbours , colleagues.

I stuck at one. I don’t like kids, don’t like no sleep or no free time, my partner is a dipshit and I nearly killed myself in the onset of post partum psychosis.

So it’s a fun topic to bring up with me 🤣 but I’ve never felt the need to conform to social norms, and neither should you.

My dad had cancer and my siblings were nowhere to be found but I had tremendous support from my friends. Yes some families come together but not all and it isn't a reason to guilt trip people into having a second.

well said 👏

I'm thinking this aswell. My 2 are 3.5 years apart and it's brilliant. They get on well but occupy their own 'space' developmentally. All the ones I know who have children less than 2 years apart seem to be little 'mini me's' - attend the same extra curriculars in same sessions as each other, dress similar, share friends etc - they don't seem to have space to fully be individuals.

We had actually planned on a 2 year gap but mother nature had other ideas, and I'm so glad. Our gap has worked better for our family financially, socially, developmentally. Oldest had us to herself for 3.5 years, then 1 to 1 time with baby when oldest in pre school. But I fully agree with your comment that we only know our own circumstances well enough to comment on reliably, plus what works well for 1 family may work not do well for another

I wanted a second but knew if I didn't get it over with and left a big gap, I wouldn't want to start again which is why they are 16 months apart. I also had twins so ended up with a bonus baby!

My parents had two children so that I wouldn't be an only child (one of them was an only child) and would have a sibling close by etc etc.
Only ... we moved to higher education and work respectively at 18 or so, and have lived on opposite sides of the globe for almost 30 years. Zoom etc is fine for keeping in contact, but when someone dies then it's a long and expensive plane ride to get back to our country of origin.

Edited because I forgot to say....

So don't have a second child assuming that you are providing with a friend for life etc. have a second child if you want to bring up two children in your home. And think about whether you would still want to have two children if you became a single parent.

I wish your child well when you hit old age. I’m sure you will go off to a care home as soon as you are not able to live independently. Of course you’ll recognise and accept this in yourself immediately and won’t cause your child any worry at all. I also assume you’re putting appropriate finance in place to cover the costs.

I don’t regret having no 2 (or no 3) and really do still appreciate my little brother and the support we’re able to give each other at the difficult stage we’re at with our parents.

That's exactly what I'll be doing thanks, I wish your children all the best looking after you in old age- hopefully they all agree on everything and one doesn't end up doing the bulk, whilst breeding resentment towards the others who are too busy with their own lives to help.

Sure thing @BobblyBobbleHat, but life isn’t so black and white. I have no expectation that my children will look after me or DH in old age, but I do know the reality and difficulties of aging parents, and increasingly so of friends in circumstances they hadn’t planned as a partner becomes ill.

My first point is, you don’t know what’s around the corner. And secondly, I have no regrets around having three children. They have been raised to have mutual respect and to communicate well. I recognise my good fortune that they like and love each other,

I think that the negative stereotypes about children are nonsense - spoilt and lonely - because these negative descriptions when you think about it contradict each other - in my opinion. The aging parents argument is also a bit of a nonsense because not all siblings step up to the plate. FWIW, I’ve sadly known people with multiple siblings die a sad lonely death in middle age.

One objective fact about only children that we can’t get away from though is that they are the only ones ‘told off’ in their particular domestic situation.

I also read that it can take only children longer to learn the fallibilities of their parents. I don’t know if this is absolutely true - but they might have a point.

However, if an only child has emotionally mature, genuinely supportive parents the last 2 points needn’t be a problem. That said, even kids with siblings need emotionally mature supportive parents so this is another area where realistically only children and kids with siblings are no different