To think lots of people have a second child just because it's 'the done thing' ?

[DairyMilkMaid]

DS has just turned 3, which means the question of whether or not to have another baby has been coming up a lot more recently. DH and I are leaning more towards being one and done (for lots of reasons) but we're still not 100% certain.

I met up with a friend this morning and she asked if we thought we'd have any more DCs. I said I wasn't sure and asked her how she knew she was ready for her second. She sort of shrugged and said 'I wasn't, but it's just what you do isn't it?'. When I asked what she meant, she basically said that it never even occurred occurred her to stop at one, and she never felt the urge to have a second, she just....did.

I was a bit surprised, but thinking about it, I've seen this attitude a few times. Another friend of mine really struggled with PPD and her relationship nearly broke down, but she went on to have a second. Her whole pregnancy she was depressed and was dreading the baby being born, and though she loves her DD2 dearly, she quite often says life would have been easier if she'd stopped at one. She never wanted a second either, she just didn't want her DD to be an only child.

You see threads on here sometimes where women had a horrendous experience of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, but are reluctantly going for a second, and I can't help but wonder why. It's like for some people it's not even an option to just have one child.

I think you are right but also why people have one child in the first place not just a second.

For me I wanted to be a mum from a very young age, I knew at the age of 5. I couldn’t imagine not having children so much so when I dated people I said this is what I want, no point in dating people that aren’t interested in kids. I wanted 2/3 kids and honestly if I had my time again I would 100% choose to have kids.

I think some posters have made incredibly narrow minded and insensitive comments.

They always do, on any thread even tangentially related to one-child families.

in my life I’ve across several popular, confident, only children one of which especially is a very important role model to me - who has excellent relationships

let’s change this thread from negative to positive

I have two children who I went through a lot of soul searching to have. When I was debating to have a second, I was speaking to friends who were only children and they were completely bemused as to why I would worry about it as they were fine being only children as children and as adults. And it's true, I've a number of friends who are only children, some family members who are and friends who have only children and I've never looked at them thought they were lonely or lacked anything in life or were any less of a family.

Yes of course some only children will feel lonely and have not enjoyed being only children. But there's an abundance of research that shows the overwhelming majority of only children are absolutely fine and don't feel lonely.

And loneliness doesn't come from a lack of siblings. No one should be relying on one sibling being their entire source of emotional and social support. It comes from lack of connection and lack of community.

Yes - that’s correct. Our benefits bill is forecast to be 380 billion, 145 billion of that is universal credit, pensions by contrast are 138 billion. Large families and also small ones, propped up by the state, are running at massive cost to UK tax payers. Services are on the brink of collapse, the NHS and state schools being just two examples. You’ll have to excuse me if I’m unable to see the altruism in having kids you can’t afford.

Everything you say here is so true

I have to agree with you. Once you have a child their needs are so important and I think it is hard for only children. Many who have one child are older parents and when the parents pass the sibling is left to deal with everything alone. I know there is no guarantee that siblings will be friends but there are ways of parenting that give them a good chance to be so. I think it also helps with socialising. Only children can develop incredible strengths - including self sufficiency, but that can also be a weakness. I am child free so am going by observation as well as experience of being a sibling.

For myself, although I almost single-handedly cared for mum in her final years, it was nevertheless brilliant to have siblings to grieve with.

FWIW I have an early January birthday. I usually just make jokes about how everyone is skint, or doing Dry January so it's a bit shit. But tbh, it's nice to have something to look forward to after the ending of Christmas and it was always during the school holidays and usually a good day to take off work as well.

Besides- Capricorns are the best.

A January birthday isn't so bad...mines December 25th and that really sucks.

I think if anything only children have better social skills because generally (and this isn't always the case) because their parents make a conscious effort to make social opportunities for them. I've seen people on here declare that they've had multiple children so that they don't need to have playdates and their children can just socialise with each other which is quite a sad state of affairs. Being with siblings and friends is different and just being with your siblings isn't going to teach you the skills you need in friendship.

I always make a point of sending Happy birthday wishes to my Dec 25th friends.

Happy Birthday!!

I am 38 and pregnant with my first. I strongly suspect I will be one and done, - it is actually the least selfish decision to make for a child.

my husband is 50 and this has played a role in my decision making too.

I was brought up with three siblings, a mother who was single and had no emotional or financial resources to deal with us (still doesnt) and neglected us massively. I was called ungrateful for asking for food and clothes from around 7 and selfish from age 6 (projection much). For some reason she continued to have children. My sisters and I hold huge resentment for her selfishness that she just done it ‘as its what you did’, and apart from playing with a doll she very quickly papped us off to the state and we were left to fend for ourselves. I distinctly remember at 4/5 making my own breakfast and walking to school alone. She now wonders why my siblings and I were terrified to have children and waited until we were in the best position possible to ever consider procreating (probably going far too the other way). She cries to us that she has not got any grandchildren etc etc probably in much the same way she wants grandchildren she wanted children, just as an accessory and for something to do. As she has children she is held in society probably higher than childless people - but they did not know the concerns from GP’s, health visitors and social workers we had growing up which were conviently brushed up the carpet and have never been spoken about since. She admits openly we were ‘dragged up’. My childhood played a role in how I ended up being bullied and in emotionally abusive relationships until I payed a fortune to go to therapy in my early 30’s and years worth of therapy put it together. I am still struggiling with odd friendships which end up with me being bullied / taken advantage of.

Essentially the point I am making is that having one child and knowing your limitations makes me so sure that you are a good parent to that one child.

I’m an only child but (sadly) I can relate to EVERYTHING being said here from the hopeless parent to the bullying friendships

@Dolphindances, I’m also one of a big family, raised in poverty and neglect. My siblings are all childfree by choice, and I have one child, also by choice.

You’re totally right, I think there’s a (very annoying) set pattern of expectation from others which creates pressure: live together, buy a house, get engaged, get married, have a baby, have a second baby. I’ve found as soon as I ever did one of these things, people would immediately ask if it was time for the next thing. ‘Time you made an honest woman of her!’ ‘When are you going to get a ring on your finger?’ ‘Shall I buy a hat?’ ‘Are we going to hear the patter of tiny feet?’ ‘When is he going to get a little sibling, then?’ ‘I assume you’ll try for another?’ It actually really annoys me that people don’t just focus on themselves and their own choices but instead try to nudge others down a path that they might not even want. I bet loads of people have two without much thought about whether their lives would actually be better with just one child, and it’s because of the badgering about lonely only children having nobody to play with. In reality, they’d probably be absolutely happy!

Same as my family! I am the only one who will likely have a child - I think it speaks volumes

I agree.

I think that is a good point. (One and done here, for clarity).

My maternal grandmother was a fucking awful and abusive mother. She said openly she hated children and should never have had them. But- more than 'it is what you did' in those days of course there wasn't any reliable contraception. (Oldest aunt is 87. ) My best friend has a mother late 90s and 3 siblings and she has always said her mother openly resented them for being born.

Obviously it's different now in contraception terms at least. But i do know people who keep having children for a whole variety of reasons- often nothing to do with having a wanted child. A child to glue a bad relationship back together comes to mind in the specific cases of a few people I know. One woman i used to work with had 9 children by 5 fathers and once that came up as a topic of conversation and she said every man she had been with wanted to have 'their own' baby with her. Again a very specific situation.

As i said before, ours is disabled and requires alot of support. It would have been so wrong for us, in our situation as to what we can cope with, to have had another. We can pour time and money into his needs. I feel really grateful tbh that we were able to make a decision that really worked for us.

My mum has openly admitted she should never have been pregnant. Shes already started the pish ‘when will you have another’ despite this fetus not even being born. She has also said… ‘you are lucky to have your children when you are as you have done lots of things and wont resent them’ 🤣🙄

I have 4 children, my little sister has 1. It wouldn’t occur to me to question our decisions - I feel that her ‘one and done’ approach perfectly suits her personality, lifestyle and couple, and my multiple kids suits mine. Does it really matter why people make the decisions they do? Sometimes decisions are rational and logical like finances or the size of your house, a lot of the time they are rooted in something else, our childhoods or feelings locked deeper down.

a lot of posters have said they have felt judged for having an only child. I’d like to add that I’ve also had a fair few comments from people about having 4 children (one woman told me she thought it was a ‘flex’, another drunkenly berated me for ages about having 4 kids which was really weird). I also had A LOT of comments about having 3 boys which I used to find upsetting but now I’m older and wiser and love my boys to pieces so it doesn’t bother me.

The reasons why we had 4 kids: my husband and I are both from big families, we both love our siblings and they formed an important part of our childhoods, we live overseas and can afford having more kids. I didn’t have great birth experiences but was able to sort of forget them (repress!) when TTC. We had the 4th child when the eldest was 6 years old so it has not been easy, but would i do it all again? Yes, a thousand times.

I also think having one child is great, they get loads of parental attention growing up and resources.

Also, to answer your question literally OP, yes - but sadly there are many people who see having multiple kids as cash cows, kindly funded by those of us paying taxes who are entitled to no benefits whatsoever ourselves because we have worked and aimed at something / achieved financial independence from the state in life. These people can’t afford to raise kids with their own means but do it anyway for the handouts and f* the impact of all sorts of ways on the children themselves, the family ‘unit’ (tho in many cases that is non-existent anyway), the rest of society, the population etc.
In comparison to that, I’d rather give my only child a happy, loving and stable home with the same 2 parents for life, opportunities and things we couldn’t afford with 2 children, and a sense of morality, responsibility and aspiration to carry into adulthood with the knowledge she can do so much more as an adult to make her own money than just pump out multiple humans.
Only child families are on the rise for many reasons - and in the grand scale of things that is a positive.
One child is a complete being - they aren’t born in pairs (twins being the exception of course!) - and one child is enough for many families for all sorts of reasons.

The only ‘negative’ or ‘unpopular’ view I could be said to have about only children is this:

i DON’T actually think only children ‘need’ ‘friends’ any more than children with siblings ‘need’ ‘friends’

Controversial I know!! So come @ me!! 🤣😭

a lot of posters have said they have felt judged for having an only child. I’d like to add that I’ve also had a fair few comments from people about having 4 children (one woman told me she thought it was a ‘flex’, another drunkenly berated me for ages about having 4 kids which was really weird). I also had A LOT of comments about having 3 boys which I used to find upsetting but now I’m older and wiser and love my boys to pieces so it doesn’t bother me

We always wanted three kids (at least) which upset some people but it was worse when first two were girl and a boy - having a third was somehow awful as we had both sexes already. DH an only and had a perfectly fine childhood and is a perfectly normal happy adult. People are just odd with their opinions especially if number of kids has no impact on them.

I always marvel at people with more than 2 in a 'how do they have the energy' sort of way. But it angers me to hear that people berate you for a larger family. It was perfectly normal in my parents day to have 4- they are both one of 4, DH is 1 of four.

What really fucks me off though is when people (like my mother....) see a family with a larger number of boys tutting sadly and saying 'poor woman must have kept trying before she got her girl'. Or the fucking 'perfect family, pigeon pair'.

When you think about it, there is an awful lot of crap thrown, no matter what your family makeup is like!!