My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

[Dopeychicken]

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

You're unreasonable because you rolled over and made them tea after they utterly took the piss.

Until you properly stand up for yourself you are going to keep having this happen.

Start with your wetwipe of a husband.

Ultimately this all stems from your husband. You said no - he overruled this.

I would be having a full and franķ conversation with him about how this needs to be managed in future to prevent reoccurance.

She takes the piss because you let her.

She sounds like a nightmare. Your husband really needs to step up and stand up to her, it should come from him more than you. With women like this they've often bossed their family around forever and your husband doesn't yet realize how it's not right. He needs to understand that he has to set boundaries.

Say no. Keep saying no until she understands what no means. Then you can begin again with her.

And your wet blanket husband can’t be relied upon to back you up. You’ll have to stand alone and bark at the mil until she gets it. She’s bullying you. Bullies are usually cowards and back down once you snap.

So you said no, but your husband overruled you. You WANTED to say no but allowed MIL and pals to ride roughshod over you. I think the issue really is that you aren’t assertive enough, sorry.

If you had said no.... you knew what would happen didn't you.

I really don’t understand. Why didn’t you take the knife out of her hand, remove the cake, and say “what are you doing? This isn’t for now.”

Your Mil is a cunt and your husband isn't on your side

I couldn’t imagine not giving someone a slice of cake even if I was peed off with them and the cake had been made for a visit by other people. But I’d have really struggled not to cut someone’s hand off with any knife they’d used to help themself the way your MIL did.

Have you no agency? Sounds like you’re something of a pushover.

you have a husband problem -he does NOT have your back

You should've embarrassed her in front of her friends.

'We agreed to avoid the busy road and for you take him to the park so he sleeps, like we normally do at nap time. If he has a late nap, then he won't sleep well tonight. You remember what it's like with a tired baby?'

'Nice to see you XZY, but as I said to MIL, were having a bit of quiet family time this afternoon. Maybe we can meet up in the new year.'

'MIL please don't help yourself to cake when I've made it especially for tomorrow. Have a biscuit instead'

Etc

Why were you making tea and protecting cake and not DH?

The moment she turns up with her friends I would have opened the door then shouted to DH " your mother's here with some friends..." And left him to it.

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed with her or your useless husband.

You could have said no to the walk.
No to letting them all in.
No to the cake and stopped her cutting it.

Stop letting her walk all over you!

The road thing is weird though. Pick your battles op. She probably did that to widn you up and it's not a hill to die on. If you'd not let her roughshod your no to taking him out, she wouldn't have had chance would she.

I think it was Jerry Springer who said 'We are treated how we allow ourselves to be treated'. She is getting the message that 'no' doesn't really mean no and will continue to take the piss until you and your OH set some boundaries.

Your husband is ok with you being upset a your plans being ruined as long as he doesn’t cause tension with his mum. Pathetic, and I would be seriously calling this out with him.

I wouldnt have let them over the threshold and if somehow they had got there... as.shs approached the cake I wpuld have been saying No. Stop. NO. STOP. NOOOO! STOOOOP!
you cannot have that cake. What is wrong with you?

And wouldn't have given a single shiny shit how awkward it got.

That cow owes you a cake and I wouldnt let her over the threshold until she produces one.

Separately, your husband is an absolute wet week and the road thing is weird.

The polluted road obsession is weird.

the rest is dreadful and she sounds awful

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed with her and your DH but :

You and your DH both need to step up. You didn’t have to let her take your DC for a walk, you didn’t let them in, you could have refused tea and then the cake - you could have stopped her cutting it. Your MIL behaves as she does because you don’t set boundaries and stick to them. She knows you are a pushover and she can get her own way. Until you stand up and say no and mean it / stick to it she knows she can keep pushing and you will allow her to do what she wants. Currently you are rewarding her bad behaviour and so it gets worse.

Your DH needed to pull his mother up and back you.

She sounds pretty horrid. I'm sorry.

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

Your DH should have sorted his mother out but why did you roll over and let MIL take the baby out when you didn't want her to, then afterwards let them all barge in, then make them tea, then didn't stop them from cutting the cake? This is on you for being a pushover. What you should have done was just not let MIL come over to take the baby out in the first place when you initially said no it wasn't convenient.

Yup