My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

[Dopeychicken]

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

Hi op if your dh has been mentally abused by his mum why are you letting her into your kids lives? Honestly he should be telling her no and if she doesn’t like this she can lump it. She is now abusing you all are you going to let her. She manipulated you both. She took your kid somewhere you told her not to. Ignored you and she will keep abusing you all because that’s who she is. If that was my family it would be very very low contact tbh. Boundaries mean fuck all to her I really hope you take on board the abuse she is causing it will never stop unless you stop her now.

I think it means "She expected to be entertained." For some reason, people have started leaving off the "to be" part of the sentence. Like they'll say, "This kitchen needs cleaned" instead of "this kitchen needs to be cleaned." I don't know why they don't say "this kitchen needs cleaning" instead but there it is. Language changes over time.

Thank you. I can’t be doing with atrocious grammar.

It would help to pick your battles, if you lower the bar to the level of not going on a street with shops and the few cars you get on boxing day when the shops are probably shut, you allow her to paint you as neurotic and easily dismissed.

The cake thing is terrible though, I can't imagine being that rude or being comfortable if my friend treated her DIL like that in front of me. What would happen if your DH phoned and told her you were upset by it, that it was rude and embarrassing?

I think I'd approach this by bringing up things later rather than only fighting her in the moment. Instead of her just reacting and trying to save face, you call her and have a conversation about how she'd feel if she made a cake for a friend and you pushed in and started eating it even if she said no?

One of the best ways I dealt with my dad pushing boundaries was to ask how he'd felt when his mum criticised his choices or overstayed her welcome. It helped that she'd been a much more difficult character than he was, but it did help him realise how it had felt

Tell me you (and @Justcheeseatthispoint) don't know any Scottish people, without telling me you don't know any Scottish people

Mil sounds horrific. I'd consider moving n not telling her where to!

Your husband isn’t great. He should have taken his child for a walk instead of his mother and he should have kicked her and the rest of the old biddies out.

“I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.”

MN is going to help you by being honest with you. They are not going to molly coddle you with platitudes. The bottom line is that by not asserting yourselves, you and your husband are enabling her behaviour. You say you set boundaries but they’re clearly not working if your op is true. Who helps themselves to someone else’s cake? Therefore the situation won’t get any better until you start saying no. And mean it.

You need to stand up to her or this is your life. Why on earth didn't you take the cake away from her?

Your MIL is a CF and I totally understand it being difficult to set boundaries with family members, especially if your husband is not reinforcing those boundaries. Sounds very frustrating.

The repeated mention of a polluted road bit is weird, hate to say it but if your MIL can walk from yours up that road and back within 45 mins it’s not going to be largely more polluted than your house street - maybe the solution is to move to a less polluted area and also further away from your MIL - 2 birds with one stone 😂

Having initially thought it was nice of her to do this, it seems she wanted to show off her GC to friends, also nice. But then bringing them back is too much. Is she the type to welcome people round at any time so doesn't get you don't do the same?

Lesson learnt, in future a straight no, we have our day planned. Xx

@Dopeychicken Please disregard the "tough love" posters. I would have stayed firm and polite though. "I said no Mil, the cake is for tomorrow". Then move away cake. "No, you are not taking the baby out today".
She doesn't respect you so you have to he very firm- as with a kid having a tantrum. No No No and enforce. Sorry you can't count on your dh but he must have been trained to be a door mat. Make sure you are not following that path.

YABU for allowing MIL to run roughshod over you. I’d have said NO! And put the cake away. Someone doesn’t accidentally start cutting a cake. You are wet and let it all happen.

Yes the comments are harsh but, at the same time, the only way to solve the problem is to keep being firm with your boundaries.

Going forward, I’d say one boundary needs to be no spur of the moment visits. This is clearly a tactic your narc mil is using to put you on the back foot. E message from both of you needs to be that you would love to see her but if she calls on the day or visits unannounced she does not get let in.

I also think that when you meet it should be in a neutral environment.

I honestly don’t think she sounds trustworthy enough to take DC out on her own. I think you are being very lenient there. DH needs to be with her until she is able to prove that she is trustworthy and willing to follow your basic wishes.

If DH is really a decent guy that he will be happy to get some counselling to deal with his childhood and stand up to his mother.

Why didn’t you snatch the cake knife out of her hand and usher and her friends out of your house???? THAT is what standing up to her looks like!

Your DH is spineless and if he was ever in a scenario where he has to side with one of you, make no mistake about it OP, he will choose your MIL. He’s scared of her….

But what advice are you looking for? Your dh is an angel according to you, and you allowed her to walk all over you so what can anyone tell you? Genuinely asking?

You can't have a cake out and not offer it to people unless it's been made to give to something like a charity i.e. 'sorry, it's for the Autumn Fair tea shop tomorrow, I've got some biscuits'. Don't you take your baby shopping? You seem obsessed by pollution but there is no lead in petrol anymore so the high street is no more polluting than the park - and a lot more exciting to your DC by the sounds of it.
They should not have asked for tea, but you should have offered it. Unexpected guests are still guests. Make another cake.
Your DH appears to have more manners than you - or your MiL who should not be cutting a cake in someone else's house. I am amazed DH is so well-behaved with a mother like that!

Yes it’s all the man’s fault. Although he wasn’t involved until afterwards. Still his fault though.

OP had unexpected guests and was rude to them. Also told MiL where to walk the baby out of the peculiar idea that the high street with shops is more polluting than the park. MiL out of order, but instructions just weird.

This is another MIL staking her claim, whilst showing off in front of her friends. What they thought of her behavior heaven knows but I think it’s outrageous. To push into yr home after seeing you were reluctant- that’s bad enough!! But to barge in, ask for tea and seeing the cake, slicing into it! Words absolutely fail, the audacity of this person,😳😳

I’m so sorry you have someone like this in your life giving you grief. Your husband needs to man up, put a stop his mother’s unbelievable intrusion into yr home and lives. As for taking your baby out, next time ‘no, it’s not convenient’
should suffice, if it’s not, say it again louder. She sounds as subtle as a bull elephant, it could well take time for the word NO to register. Use it again and again to her, you see it’ll get easier. Good luck.

Of course you bloody can if you never invited them in the first place! She had no right to cake and no right to bring friends around like that. The cake was for a specific occasion and she should have accepted that.
OP I would be fuming, given your DH won’t confront her, I think you are going to have to…

What type of cake though?

But uninvited guests turn up all the time. My nephew arrived at 8 a.m. the other day and I offered him tea and sat down for a chat. I was able to give him my Christmas presents for his parents (they live 150 miles away and I am not visiting them till mid-Jan). My stepson turns up all the time, admittedly not with friends, but to put stuff in the freezer, tell me some event, mend something etc. My neighbour came over with card and presents quite unannounced, having seen my car was outside. Who are these people who expect every visit to be by appointment/invitation? That's so weird!
And I said MiL had no right to cut the cake - but I put cakes that are for some occasion in a tin, out of sight. It's rude to have a cake out as if to be eaten and not offer it to guests, invited or not.

Well said OP, sadly posts on here are often unbalanced