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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

138 replies

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:01

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

OP posts:
Hawkinsresident · 26/12/2025 21:30

OP, I would give MIL call and say you know what she did and not to pull another stunt else she will lose access to you and your kindness forever. Be polite but firm.
keep your husband out of it. Deal with it like a school bully, because that’s how she behaved.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 26/12/2025 21:34

I suggest that next time you tell her she can have the cake, pick it up and put it into her face.

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 26/12/2025 21:34

Turn it around.
. Dc I'm not sure why dgm has turned up when we told her we were busy..... If dh can't advocate for your quiet life and enforcing boundaries you need to stop giving a shit what she thinks.

Pigeonpoodle · 26/12/2025 21:44

tiredofchristmas · 26/12/2025 20:36

Making a cake takes minimal time and effort though and it’s normal to have ingredients in the house to remake a cake. Who doesn’t have eggs, flour, sugar and butter in?

Show quote history

Obviously every decent person has plentiful cake ingredients at all times. I once found out that my neighbour didn’t have any flour and eggs (yes, she didn’t have both!), so I called 101 to report her neglect… I never did see social services though… shamefully her kids are still with her.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 26/12/2025 21:46

Im sorry for my flippant comment, just saw it's your first time posting on Mumsnet. Yeah, it's 'robust' here.

Honestly, the only thing you can do though is to actually be even tougher with her than you already are. Literally saying 'do you remember what happened last time we made an agreement, MiL? Unfortunately it didn't work out well last time at all did it, so this time we'd better keep to what has been arranged' in a level tone with a friendly smile.

From what you've said your husband has been cowed by her for a long time so I'm sorry, it really does come down to you.

She might be a silk-clad steamroller, but you will need to be the immoveable object, clad in smiles and determination.

PurpleLovecats · 26/12/2025 21:50

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 21:29

But uninvited guests turn up all the time. My nephew arrived at 8 a.m. the other day and I offered him tea and sat down for a chat. I was able to give him my Christmas presents for his parents (they live 150 miles away and I am not visiting them till mid-Jan). My stepson turns up all the time, admittedly not with friends, but to put stuff in the freezer, tell me some event, mend something etc. My neighbour came over with card and presents quite unannounced, having seen my car was outside. Who are these people who expect every visit to be by appointment/invitation? That's so weird!
And I said MiL had no right to cut the cake - but I put cakes that are for some occasion in a tin, out of sight. It's rude to have a cake out as if to be eaten and not offer it to guests, invited or not.

Edited
Show quote history

If I turned up unannounced at somebody’s house, I would NEVER expect some cake that had been made for a special occasion. And I certainly would not cut some after being told thus! THAT is the height of rudeness. TBH if I was turning up unannounced, I would bring cake or similar with me!
But OP had already told her MIL they were having a quiet day so she should have realised bringing friends round was not appropriate. I’m autistic and I would still have read the room!

labamba18 · 26/12/2025 21:53

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

I do mean this kindly OP I just could not imagine a situation where I’d accept this especially the tea and taking the cake! Your MIL is of course unreasonable but you know that and the only way to avoid things like this is keep saying no.

Pumpkinmagic · 26/12/2025 21:54

I’d be fuming. What a selfish self entitled cow. Completely disrespected you and your wishes. Basically thinks she knows better.

Justchillinhere · 26/12/2025 21:54

I wouldn't make a big thing of saying you can't take him out again, it will cause drama, when she asks again just say no and keep saying no till she finally gets it. I would've been more forceful and told her no it wasn't convenient when they all came back, sad that we have to but otherwise she'll keep getting away with her silly behaviour

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2025 21:57

This sounds like an episode from Amandaland!

Yourlifeinyourhands · 26/12/2025 21:58

She sounds awful!! If your DH struggles to set boundaries with her, you really need to. You need to say no and stick to it and don’t let DH say otherwise.

LilyBunch25 · 26/12/2025 21:59

RessicaJabbit · 26/12/2025 19:21

Why were you making tea and protecting cake and not DH?

The moment she turns up with her friends I would have opened the door then shouted to DH " your mother's here with some friends..." And left him to it.

Or had a bath!

EmilyDickinson · 26/12/2025 22:02

OP I have so much sympathy. I know someone like your MIL. She is taking advantage of your very normal instinct to be polite. It is utterly reprehensible. I also feel sympathy for your husband as I am sure that he has been conditioned from childhood not to go against what his mother wants or suffer the consequences.

As other posters have said you need to look at setting boundaries. There’s little to be done now about her past rude and bullying behaviour but you can make it clear that there are consequences for what she has done.

First you need to talk to your husband. I suspect he won’t actually enforce the boundaries but he needs to agree the game plan and that he will not undermine you. If he is too wary of his mother to say no to her he needs to step back and let you say no.

Rule 1 - she is not allowed to turn up without contacting you first.

Rule 2 - she is not going to be allowed to take the baby out unaccompanied until she has shown that she will respect your rules. It is irrelevant whether other people think the no polluted roads is reasonable. Whatever rules a new mother has for her precious newborn need to be respected. The maternal instinct to protect your new baby is overwhelming. It is incredibly hard to trust anyone with them and your MIL (and husband) have ridden roughshod over that. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Rule 3 - she does not get to invite anyone to your house without permission.

Rule 4 - no helping yourself to food in someone else’s house.

How often do you normally see her? I would have a significant pause so she can consider her behaviour.

It would be best if your husband contacts her. Text best so she can’t intimidate him, saying that he is ashamed and embarrassed by her behaviour - turning up unannounced; taking the baby out despite you saying no; disregarding your requests re the baby; inviting friends in without notice and helping herself to cake despite being told it was for the next day.

Say you are really upset / tearful and that as a family you are going to take a break from seeing her for (x) time. He would appreciate her apologising to you. These are the rules going forward. If he won’t say it you will need him to agree that you can.

Goinggreymammy · 26/12/2025 22:02

That is very annoying. I totally get the preference to bring the baby to the park. Of course he didn't sleep with her showing him off to all her mates! My MILdid this once years ago, offered to take the baby for a walk for her evening nap. Came back 2 hrs later with a wired exhausted baby after going round to 5 houses and handing her round like a toy! Not surprisingly, any other rare time she asked it just didn't suit us!!!
And taking the cake is just crazy behaviour. Her friends must have been embarrassed too!

thegrinchwasontosomething · 26/12/2025 22:05

The polluted roads wouldn’t be a problem for me, but I would’ve been raging at the cake.

you asked for advice, rather than judgement so here is what I would do:

Sit DH down and tell him that if he overrules you with your MIL again, he can go and live with her. You need to have a good talk with him about what is acceptable with regards to his mother.

come up with a plan for how you deal with it. And talk about how you’d react to future behaviour. Make sure your DH has some ready prepared lines to take with his mother.

also- and I mean this constructively- you need to grow a backbone. No one would come into my house and take a cake that wasn’t theirs. You should’ve been more forceful. It will actually be a good learning experience for your children. Otherwise, you are teaching them they have to be polite to bullies. You don’t need to shout, but you can be very firm. You can say ‘don’t touch that cake. It’s not for you.’ As firmly and rudely as you want.

maybe even follow up with - it’s very rude to come into a house that isn’t yours and take food that isn’t for you- would you do that at a friend’s house?

I know it sounds brutal, but i guarantee it would stop this behaviour overnight.

Fixydodah · 26/12/2025 22:07

If your DH is incapable of standing up to her it is up to you to. Or just put up with it. She treats you as an irrelevance because it is what you and your DH allow. The strategy you should deploy is no.

joggingintherain · 26/12/2025 22:17

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

But OP, having rock solid boundaries and telling her NO is the only advice that is going to work here isn't it? Its pointless us telling you to ask her nicely to stop or trot out some magic phrase because it simply won't work- she doesn't care.

You literally said she mentally abused your husband so there is no magic phrase anyone can give you that is going to suddenly change her personality or make her less of a total bitch, the only way to handle this is to stand up to her, despite her having a tantrum so everyone in this thread is correct.

You might not like it or want to do it but it doesn't make the advice in this thread wrong. I feel for your husband but it is still his responsibility to stand up for his family (you and his child) despite what his mother was like. This isn't just about him any more, it's also about his child and he owes it to you and your children to stand up to her, even if he is scared of doing it. As adults, we all have to do things that scare us sometimes - its the only way we grow as people.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 26/12/2025 22:21

He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person.

There's no way I'd be letting a woman that abused the father of my DC take that DC anywhere.....as you did.

There's equally no way i'd be letting her walk into my house with her friends and dictate to me to make them tea and let her ignore me when I say that the cake isn't for her but my own parents then continue to make that tea and let her eat my cake....as you did.

There's nothing wrong in role reversing and you shouldn't wait for your DH, the very person that you know she mentally abused to speak up, you yourself should have spoken up and if she ignored you continued and showed her that if anyone was going to have to back down it certainty wasn't going to be you.

It's your house, your home...show some backbone and if she doesn't like it and throws a hissy fit declaring she'll never call in again congratulate yourself on doing a fantastic job and being rid of her.

SunnyViper · 26/12/2025 22:22

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

He’s not that wonderful if he won’t stand up to her, traumatic history or not. He needs to work on himself and not enable her abuse to spill over into your family, because that is what he is doing.

Agrumpyknitter · 26/12/2025 22:26

RessicaJabbit · 26/12/2025 19:21

Why were you making tea and protecting cake and not DH?

The moment she turns up with her friends I would have opened the door then shouted to DH " your mother's here with some friends..." And left him to it.

This exactly. Let it be his problem. If they ate the cake then you could have sent your husband out to buy some more sweet treats.

blowthedoorsoff · 26/12/2025 22:26

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

I'm afraid your husband isn't all that wonderful if he would allow his bully of a mother who you say mentally abused him to do the same to his own son.

Will he allow his mother to mentally abuse your child too because he's too meek to say no to her? I am sorry OP but that isn't a good father. Parents protect their kids, they don't allow them to be mentally abused no matter how rough their own childhoods were.

I had a very traumatic childhood, there is no way on earth I would allow or accept my kids to go through what I went through. I would move heaven and earth to prevent that from happening.

Heronwatcher · 26/12/2025 22:27

Honestly the minute she barged in, I would have been out of there, “oh well since baby hasn’t napped I am going to walk him
around the block. I will leave you in Dave’s capable hands.”. If she was eying the cake I’d have taken it with me in the pram, or made DH make a replica if they ate it.

Honestly if you’re not going to stand up for her, remove yourself from the situation.

DBD1975 · 26/12/2025 22:30

OP your MIL sounds exactly like mine, an absolute pain in the arse, entitled narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her.
I am so sorry as the situation is very difficult to deal with unless your husband is on board which he obviously isn't (mine isn't either and justifies her unacceptable behaviour by saying that's just the way she is).
I have had similar for many, many years, I am sorry I don't have any advice, only understanding and sympathy.

BlackCat14 · 26/12/2025 22:31

All of this is hideous but the worst part is the CAKE! Rude bitch! You’d said no. I feel livid about this woman.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/12/2025 22:35

Channel some of that assertiveness from your response to this thread - point it at your MIL.

It's not about standing up to her once by not letting her in, its about standing up to her repeatedly and consistently.

Not 'oh no that cakes for blah blah and thingy' say 'No, thats for tomorrow' and then TAKE the cake and put it away!.

Don't say 'oh yes have some tea' say 'No time for tea, Im very busy, nice to see you GOODBYE' and shoo them out!

Why does your husband think you need his Mum to take the baby out for a walk - HE can take the baby whilst you rest/nap/do something else. Its his child, just hand him the baby, if you feel frivolous I suggest 'tag, you're it' and then off you go to the bath/bed/wherever the fuck you want.