My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

[Dopeychicken]

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

I don’t think you’re being weird about the polluted road OP - but you do need to pick your battles. And the battles here were definitely MIL taking the baby out in the first place (should have stuck with no), her coming round with her mates (should have been no you’re not coming in) and her hosting her mates on your house with your cake. The fact she helped herself to the cake you made for your parents boat after you hosted her for Xmas day is disgusting and disrespectful to the special effort you’ve made for your folks. I would be making sure that you prioritise your parents next Christmas and give them first refusal of Christmas Day etc and your DH can arrange seeing his mum around that. You also need to get DH to explain to his mum that her actions today were not okay and that if you ask her to not do something in you’re house she needs to respect that

Absolutely agree with this. Your house, your rules, she's treating you like a child.
As she's mentally abused your husband the only solution is a large distance between you and her. She has had a lot of practice. Save yourselves, move away.

I’m sorry but this is MN and not the real world where people have actual feelings. Folk here won’t be happy until you throw your husband out, get all your ducks in a row, file for divorce, get a full time job, demand he has them 50/50 and ban your in-laws from seeing kids. 😁

She has obviously overstepped and was really rude. I would have moved the cake and asked your husband to make tea and offer biscuits while you settle baby. You need to both find a way to set some boundaries. 💐

But you didnt ask for advice, did you?
You asked if you were being unreasonable.

Hmm. I'm wondering what the other side to this story is. It seems unlikely that her friends, who apparently don't go out, were happy to barge into your house.

Its one thing to let your own mother in, but letting in a bunch of strangers who happen to come with her plus letting her to steal a cake, thats another level. Bringing ininvited strangers into someone elses home is extremely rude.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person.

If he has been abused by his mother all his life, the reason he doesnt know how to stand up to her isnt that he is a gentle man. Its because he has been conditioned to comply. Its very difficult to realise its not normal and that you actually should stand up to it. Let alone know how to. Even if you do know, its not easy to actually do it.

Total derailing here but this is a common grammatical pattern in areas of Scotland, I'll often say things in this way.

I wouldn’t call them total strangers. DH knew them.

Some people will just push and push until you reign them in. Draw some boundaries or she'll just keep getting worse.

I agree with you about avoiding the polluted roads - protect that baby's lungs!

I think some people have said it far too harshly, but the truth is that the way to tackle it is to get better at standing up to her even when she is dramatic and acts like you're the bad guy. It's not exactly your husbands fault when he's been raised in a situation where she's probably been treating her whole family like this his entire life, he's probably learnt from his father and family that everyone rolls over to her and we often see our experience as normal or just don't think that deeply- it can take time for someone to realize that actually they don't have to always appease their mother when they have been taught that their whole life.
The problem is that she is so used to getting her own way, but as you and DH get stronger at standing up to her as a team she can learn her place. You are recovering from birth you should not have to be handing over your baby or giving her the cake that you prepared for an occasion.

My advice is LTB ie lose the bitch. Just say no. And stick to it.
Good luck!

Re your MIL’s friends, I suspect they are used to being railroaded too. She will have said “Dopeychicken would LOVE to see you”. “Come on back back to the house - I’ll give you tea”.

Your MIL sounds like the type who has such boundless self belief that she considers your house a mere extension of her own, your baby primarily her grandchild to show off and her presence a treat for anyone

I agree. I would have moved it immediately!

I get it, as I have a complicated relationship with one of my own family members.
We deal with it by keeping them at arms length, and only agreeing to things that give us full control of the situation. To avoid dealing with arguments, we change our expectations so that when they do things we've asked them not to, we've already accommodated it. Small examples include us avoiding giving my DC any sweet sugary things the day before they babysit, as they will stuff them with ridiculous amounts despite us saying please only in moderation.
Instead of repeatedly asking them to call or text before they come round unannounced and come straight in without knocking, we now keep the door locked and close the kitchen blind so they can't get in and we can just ignore the door.
For your MIL I'd probably try something like: of course you can take him on a walk! And promptly get your coat and insist on joining her the whole time. The cake thing was completely rude and she just shouldn't have taken it full stop - I can't believe her friends also thought that was ok? I'd be embarrassing her by calling her out immediately in front of her friends and asking her why she's doing that when you've just told her not to, and that it's for an occasion. She's now ruined it - and ask her how she's going to replace it.
If you think she'll over step then you need to say no, and suggest what works for you instead. That way she is the one who can then either say yes or no, but it's her choice and you're then not the bad guy.
Get husband on board - it does sound like he could do with some therapy to be able to assert his own boundaries more.

Having been subjected to this kind of behaviour I do understand not taking away the knife. When people behave so rudely it can be such a shock that you don’t know how to react. There’s a kind of unspoken social contract that you don’t behave that way so basic politeness and consideration don’t normally have to be enforced, except I suppose with young children. I guess that you will have to treat her like a young child. Very clear and firm on rules and yes, if she looks like she’s heading for the cake then, “I said no.” And take it away. Feels awful (and rude) to treat an adult like that but she’s really giving you no choice. She’s getting her own way by having no compunction about being rude to you and relying on you being polite back

If you come on MN to vent about this rather than be assertive in your own life……means you lack visibility in your life with your husband. Your wishes are completely ignored by husband and MIL. You need a violent change to be heard, as your voice has no weight. Blow something up, like next time MIL comes over act unreasonable and kick her out…..she’ll be wary of you and that is a good thing.

None of this should have happened from the point you said ‘no, you’re planning a relaxing Boxing Day’.

MIL shouldn’t have asked DH.
DH should have said the same as you if asked.

End of.

P.S. I’m so angry on your behalf that she had the audacity to bring others back with her. She doesn’t understand or has never been made to understand boundaries. Now’s the time for her to learn!

I agree with the person who said she is treating your home as an extension of her own home. Just because you married her son doesn't mean your home with him is an extension of her own home. You need to make that clear.

Women like this are always a problem. She sounds horrible entitled and will walk all over you until she gets her way (like she did with bringing her friends over, and helping herself to your cake). She is probably used to bossing her son and her husband. You or your DH need to stand up to her and set boundaries.

“I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries”

Except you’re not standing up to her and not enforcing boundaries. If you were, at the point where she started to cut the cake you’d just told her she couldn’t have, you’d have said in a very firm no-nonsense tone “excuse me MIL I’ve just said we’re saving the cake for tomorrow so please don’t help yourself”. Instead you just let it happen.

You need to be more firm with her and make it clear to your husband that he needs to do the same as it’s your house and your wishes, too.

Yep.

How is she eating your cake if your boundaries are so good.

Repeatedly say stop and remove the cake.
Even if she'd cut it i'd have taken it off her...

Dont get me wrong she sounds awful but really you really need to start fighting fire with fire.

Op there is really sound really effective advice in many if not most of the responses. Take som time and reread the posts later when you feel less unsettled. You have been given a lot of good advice here and I think you can learn and grow stronger around MIL from it.

I do think making a cake is an enormous effort and no one eats a homemade cake without being invited to partake. This particular action has me very unsettled. Surely from an early age (especially your MIL generation) you simply admire the cake and even if offered day…oh no dopeychicken
you enjoy it with your family. It’s lovely. She was WAY OUT OF ORDER there.

Ask.dh to make a new cake