My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

[Dopeychicken]

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

You are an adult in your own home. You should have refused the friends at the door. The minute she strode towards the cake I would have grabbed her arm and frog marched her out of there.

Unless you stand up for yourself then you are going to be a doormat all your life and a poor role model go your child.

Being assertive is not being nasty, it’s your right.

But what did you expect people to say? Yes your MIL sounds like a nightmare but the way to deal with her is to continually assert your boundaries as she will never change.

And I'm sorry for what your DH went through but he still sounds pathetic for not standing up to his mother. If he has been traumatised by her then he should have therapy to learn how to assert himself with her or learn how to go LC/NC, and not just keep rolling over and letting her traumatise his wife and kids as well.

What do you want from this thread, Op? Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. Your DH is unable to stand up to her. So it's up to you! I personally would be going as low contact as possible with her, no idea why a woman who abused her child mentally is allowed to have access to your baby. She will do the same thing to them. Believe me - I've been there.

It wouldn’t bother me whatsoever. I’m happy to be hospitable at Christmas, it’s part of the nature of the festival and I like to meet new people, and as someone who has to walk my kids along a polluted road daily to get the older ones to school I can assure you that your child won’t suffer any ill affects from a one off. Unclench.

Kindly, I voted the you are BU, because as others have said (better than I can), that you're allowing this.

It's harder that your mummy's boy of a DH allows it rather than having your back, but you have to say "no" and mean it.

And that's within your control. You just have to do it.
Good luck

He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person.

A fairly simple solution would be to just say no.

If she won't listen/takes the piss then her feelings don't need to be regarded.

Does she regard yours or your husband's?

Why does he want his kids to be subjected to someone who has mentally abused him & who he can't deal with?

If he wanted to let you rest he could have taken the kids out himself.

The road thing is ridiculous. Posting for opinions is ridiculous when you dont want to hear perfectly reasonable responses. I think probably the dynamic and drama llama-ing is all of you rather than just a demonic mother in law. Its your choice to be involved in this so just enjoy the drama.

Your MIL is absolutely a CF here and that would annoy me too. It’s clear she just wanted to parade her GC in front of her friends (I’d roll my eyes and move on if that’s where it stopped but the whole tea thing would annoy me).

However, it does seem like your DH didn’t mind them there, and ‘it was nice to see them’, so it’s one of those things you just need to suck up. It’s his house as much as it is yours - his mums friends are a part of his life. It’s CF to invite yourself over like this, but I wouldn’t have expected the DH to throw them out either.

I must say though. YABU about the ‘busy polluted roads’. Relax a little.

If you don’t like peoples comments then crack on as you are and enjoy. The answer is that your husband needs to stand up to her, and you need to as well.

I'm would not have gotten cross with your mother in law. Except for taking the cake. I would be angry with your husband. He is over ruling you. You didn't agree with your husband. You just assumed he was on your side. Your communication with your husband needs to improve. It will need to include a part where he is heard as well.

On another note. Do you plan to never let your dc go to the polluted road? Why not move to a village?

My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Seriously? How about HE looks after his baby for an hour, that would've been even nicer.

I think your husband is more of a problem than his mother. Does he often dismiss you?

You need to stand up for yourself, don't say you prefer something not to happen, say no, it isn't happening

In mumsnet terms, your MIL is a CF

@Dopeychicken
" However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy."

This is the key. You have to get over worrying about what you look like and just do what you want. Someone is going to be unhappy here so make sure it is not you.

The phrase you give an inch she takes a mile comes to mind.
Explain to your dh that based on this incident, you will have to say firm no in the first place in future, otherwise she just keeps pushing the limits.

You’re not unreasonable to not liking the intrusion & you’re well within your rights to be annoyed & to vent this at your husband & her. But what I will say devalues your argument is the polluted roads one. As a one off walk it’s a ridiculous argument especially when I’m sure your child has been exposed to these streets before. I’d have stuck to the point she was rude & inconsiderate anything else just looks like you’re finding things to moan about.

The cake thing really pissed me off. My husband’s ears would be ringing.

Tell her to fuck off, pure and simple

Yanbu. She's manipulative, devisive and pulling rank in your house. I'd refuse to have her there again.

If she implies she is going to turn up again, I would take your dc and go out. Make it clear the wretched woman should have the good manners to wait for an invitation.

Answering the phone to her was mistake number one.

Be far stronger. Far far stronger and try and get your DH to back you on all of it.

She sounds so bad I think you should consider cutting down contact massively or totally. Piss taking is all very well but this is involving your DC and she is wayyy out of order in every respect.

I voted YABU purely because neither you or your DH actually said a firm 'no'.

You need to learn to be more assertive and your DH has to back you up properly. He sounds a bit spineless.

Making a cake takes minimal time and effort though and it’s normal to have ingredients in the house to remake a cake. Who doesn’t have eggs, flour, sugar and butter in?

This response absolutely cannot be real?

You all sound awful.

What does ‘expected entertained’ even mean?

what if OP had used the last of it, or didn’t quite have enough left?

and aside from the fact OP is still recovering from childbirth, why should she have to stand and make another just because a group of grown ass adults couldn’t take no for an answer?

This woman is not going to become nicer, you will have to forget about appearing rude as it sounds like she enjoys getting her own way and making it look like you're unreasonable.

The cake was the height of rudeness and worse that you prepared it for your parents and she had her day with you yesterday. She needs a talking to about manners. Your husband should have spoken up but it's hard to be assertive in front of his mother's friends.

Leave her outside a locked door next time she turns up.