My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

[Dopeychicken]

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

@Dopeychicken just seen your new

Op this is classic a mil who tramples all over boundaries like this and is very pushy usually does have a son who does what she wants

You need to explain this to DH and that you won't tolerate it and usually have to be the bigger problem to him becusee he will be or maybe scared to upset mum but wife is tolerant

So easier to keep the peace with mum
Don't make it easier.

And...it's this type of mil who causes issues.
So when posters say ...oh poor mils ..just don't be like this one ! Classic ! Pushy ,totally disrespectful to mum, crossing boundaries and un trustworthy

Oh wow. How old is your baby? I did initially think the fear of pollution from the road was a bit much, but presumably if you're still recovering from the birth, he's fairly new, in which case I get it and your MIL has some hide in asking to take him out at all. She sounds dreadful and your husband sounds as if he needs to learn to have your back.

I'd be insisting that she doesn't return until she apologises, and that she doesn't take the baby out under any circumstances (unless you're going to be receiving childcare from her in future, which makes things less clear-cut). In future, if she doesn't change her unhinged ways, look at cutting her out. I imagine that would be difficult for your husband though.

This! ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Yep this. I don't know what you expected OP. The pair of you need to get better at asserting yourselves. You didn't need to put up with this and could've stopped her. But nevermind..

"it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced"

Why? She doesn't give a shit about your feelings so stop 'balancing' hers against yours and everyone else's.

Walks over to cut the cake, take it off her and say "No! What are you doing? I just told you I'm keeping it for tomorrow!" Even better don't let the friends in at all! Just block the door and say "No sorry, we're not up for entertaining today, see you soon."

Who cares if she's upset?
Who cares if she's embarrassed in front of her friends?
Who cares if her rude friends think badly of you?
If you embarrass or upset her then she's less likely do the same thing again!

She disregards your wishes because you don't make them clear or enforce them. It's like if someone offers you another biscuit - you might say 'Oh no, I shouldn't' the first time, they insist but you then say 'Oh go on then.' The host would then be insulted if you started moaning 'why does she always keep feeding me!' Whereas if you said a firm "No thanks," the first time then "No, I don't want another one," they aren't going to offer a third time.

Treat her like a toddler - strict boundaries, reinforced as many times as needed. Short sentences. Ignore tantrums and whining.

Calm down, Mary Berry.

We don't all have reserves in.

And even if we do have all the ingredients, it does take not-insignificant time to make a cake, ice it and clear up afterwards. Especially with a new born and especially when you’ve already made a cake then someone comes along and eats it against your instructions. (Although I’ve already said in another comment that op should have stopped her).

First post nailed it.

What were you thinking? If you keep on being hospitable to this woman she'll just keep on coming over. Do better for yourself.

This. With bells on.

Nobody's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. In your own home, only your thoughts and feelings matter.

And you need to push past the idea you have that making a scene is something to be avoided, along with your fear of looking like the bad guy.

Try it - spend January thinking of only your own priorities and gladly looking like that bad guy.

If you want change here, the only element you can change is your own approach. Your MIL already thinks you are a piece of poo she stepped in. Her opinion of you couldn't be any worse than it already is. You have nothing to lose here.

um, surely time/effort depends on the type of cake?

and lots of people who have been hosting over christmas might not have enough of everything to hand. I usually have some eggs around, I might not have 4 spare ones on boxing day before I've been back to the shops post christmas.

Wow OP, your post was shocking re your MiL’s behaviour and attitude!

My own DM has overridden my wishes as a parent a few times but nothing like you described.

This is just no, no no! It sounds like she has taken advantage of your good nature in pushing her own agenda and forcing her way in (with her uninvited friends in tow too, wtf?!?).

It’s hard but you need to get those boundaries up, strong and fast. She will just keep on like this if you don’t. Needs to be clearly spelled out to DH that this is not ok and he must not override you and say yes to her when you’ve been clear with a no.

Why did you not stop her taking the cake? It’s time you stood up to her