To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

[MyDearOliveOP]

I see so many people saying that Christmas is just about their partner and children. I get some people have complex/toxic relationships with their wider family members but putting those situations to one side, do people leave parents, grandparents, siblings, etc alone on Christmas Day? I understand that some people don’t want to rush around visiting lots of people on Christmas Day - fair enough - but why would you not extend an invitation for people to come to you so they are not alone? I wonder how those same people would feel if their own children took that same approach as adults.

I don't think there is anything wrong with proritising immediate family at Christmas (or any other time) If I had children at home they would rightly be my priority too.

That said we have MIL over every Christmas day, boxing day & New years day for lunch and cook her favourite meals but she is very close by so pick up/drop off is easy and it's only a few hours for us so we try to ignore her negative comments about our beloved cat during the visit.

lol exactly! So naive.

Ever watch true crime? Some of the worst people in the world are sociable always supporter and surrounded by friends and family. In some cases even after they’re convicted of heinous crimes - and some of the best people in this world can die alone in a house and no one discover their body for weeks.

A childhood friend of mine who consistently borrowed money( basically gifted as I always said she didn’t have to pay it back and she never did) ,and was always happy to have me at her kids birthday giving presents, attending their concerts with her (as her partner/father of kids can’t be bothered) and babysitting etc has said many times she considers me one of her children’s best aunty. This same friend has never once invited me to her family Christmas even when she thought I was going to be alone. She won’t even text me on the 25th. She revels in being with her “wee family” and bangs on about it on social media.

If I was this bad person why did she happily have me take her kids out and spoil them etc? No she obviously knew I was decent and good to her and the kids, but she still didn’t give a shit if I was alone.

Not bitter about it and I’d never want to be somewhere I wasn’t wanted, but my main point is to agree with you that you don’t always get an invite just by being “good”.

Ironically the ones who have invited me for Christmas are the friends who have demanded very little if anything of me!

And btw I’m all for going NC and LC with toxic family.I appreciate some people are awful and you don’t want to spend any day with them let alone Christmas but that’s not what we are talking about here. Well not what I’m talking about here anyway.

so yeah to be clear I’m not of the grin and bear it with family members you dislike because it’s the 25th. I’m referring to family members /close friends you have healthy relationships with.

OP, I totally get what you mean. I've noticed it's becoming a growing trend - eschewing Christmas Day with extended family and friends in favour of one's own immediate family.

And I'm talking here about situations where everyone lives locally (no travel involved) and there's no toxicity or estrangement. Instead, I've heard people give vague reasons like "I just want to focus on our little family" and "It's just less hassle not seeing other people."

All well and good, but it often results in extended family being left on their own during Christmas Day. For example, a friend of mine this year decided to "ban" all visitors from her house and just have Christmas Day with her DH and their two young kids. It was fine for her side of the family, as she has parents and two siblings who could still get together. But her MIL is an elderly widow, and her DH is an only child - which meant her MIL basically was all by herself on Christmas Day. Granted, they did see her on Christmas Eve for brunch, but I don't think it's quite the same thing.

One final thing. As a child I loved seeing my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on Christmas Day. If my parents had announced that Christmas Day was only for our immediate family, my sibling and I would have been devastated! We did plenty together as a family of four, and not seeing anyone else on Christmas Day would have just felt like any other regular day.

My point is that you're evidently still young enough not to have been disillusioned by the way people behave when you experience truly awful life events, like the deaths of your parents, or divorce. You said that good people and bad people get their just desserts. I hope this illusion continues for you for a long time yet.

I never understand the "just like another day" comments. I only ever spent Christmas day with my immediate family as my cousins all lived about 3 hours away and we saw them afterwards. Christmas was anything but another day. We would have presents, Christmas music, Christmas Dinner etc. It always felt special, I never felt I was missing out on anything and I have great memories of them.

I'm not saying people should letting close relatives that live close by be on their own if they normally choose to spend it together. But people are entitled to spend Christmas how they want. Christmas can be very busy and overwhelming especially with young children. There's nothing wrong or less special about small Christmas's!

Why is it a big deal that in families where everyone lives close by, they see each other regularly and they have healthy relationships, that someone is on their own on Christmas Day? Why is this worse than leaving them on their own on (say) March 17th?

I think my view about Christmas visiting boils down to

1. you either have a close family, everyone gets on, you see each other a lot - no big deal not to meet up on Christmas Day, if you have good relationships everyone will be fine with this anyway, allocate another day to a big family get together if you want to. (actually that's what a lot of close-knit families I know do, especially where people are travelling - it's often easier and/or cheaper not to do this at Christmas)

2. you don't particularly get on with family members and would rather not spend a lot of time with them. So why ruin Christmas for others, by inflicting it on yourself then? Why not meet them on any other day instead?

Either way, see people if you want to, don't if you don't, and it's not wrong to prioritise your own immediate family in either scenario.

The noise of young children - so often over-excited and/or fractious - can be too much for a good many older people.

I’ve heard of more than one older person (as in late 70s/80s) who’s been pressured into joining neighbours for the day (‘You can’t be all alone on Christmas Day!’) - but who would honestly prefer P and Q at home, eating and drinking what they want, when they want it, and watching what they want on TV - or just listening to the radio/reading a book/nodding off on the sofa.

We have big family Christmases, DH and I wouldn't leave our parents, one a widow the others divorced, alone. The way I see it is they certainly have flaws but so do I, I'm not referring to abuse but human flaws. I think I just channel my kindness and my DC are teens and feel the same about their grandparents, us and their cousins, they think it important to see them.

I think it's fine honestly. People have to do what is right for them, and their families. I suppose as well that it can be largely dependent on the relationship with outer family, and the toll it takes.

In my own situation I have cooked for 20 years, dh, and I have had maybe 2 Christmases to ourselves in the whole of our 20s, where we didn't host. Now we have kids who are 8 and 6, we have hosted possibly 4, and had 4 just us. It is difficult when they are young, and I know dm expects an invitation because she knows I'm cooking regardless, despite having multiple options who live around the corner from her. She also gets extremely annoyed if she doesn't get an invitation for new year from the sibling that does not have her for Christmas, again she has other options who live around the corner to her.

I have finally stopped hosting dm; she isn't on her own. Shushing my AuADHD dc and my excited NT dc all day is no fun, not to mention that I don't need ND dc to have to mask all day, or sit im another room in her own home when overwhelmed; this splits us up. Dm stays all day and honestly drains the hell out of me; I also have adhd. I am 39, and the last time I was hosted, I was 18. Dm stopped cooking at 51, and has been hosted ever since. She preaches she has done her dues and cooked enough Christmas dinners (with no help).

Anyway, sorry for the rant, think I'll create my own thread on the matter.

But yes, it is more than okay to prioritise immediate family.

Before you start judging your "friend" - how do you know her elderly MIL didnt prefer a Christmas Eve brunch to the stress of a full on Christmas Day with young kids?

Some elderly people find over excited children exhausting to be around and they might actually prefer a quieter Christmas at home. As long as their family is seeing them regularly then it's not a big deal to see them on xmas eve instead of xmas day. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean everyone is the same as you or must do things exactly as you do.

I was just about to say this @calamarisandwich. It isn't anybody's place to judge is it, without the full context. It is just another day to a lot of people, and as long as they have a couple of social events over the festive period they aren't bothered. Not everybody wants a big family Christmas.

It was almost always just immediate family for Christmas when I was growing up.

Nowadays, it depends if we are willing/able to travel the 2.5 hrs (3 in Christmas traffic) to sleep badly, eat very regimented, have very limited quiet time and be cold for 2-3 days and navigate tricky family dynamics.

Or if we stay in our own home for some much needed downtime and enjoying good food that we enjoy preparing together. DD has always tended to prefer years we stay home as well.

As a family with 2 FT working adults in high powered jobs, a DD with SEN and a very active sportslife, the 2.5 days from leaving the office on 24th at lunchtime to the end of 26th are a much needed oasis of calm for us.

And we do visit family after Christmas.

Aside from the issue of people refusing to travel, I also find it weird that some relatives
( specifically one of my BIL by marriage :-) say that they’d like a big extended family Christmas but have never offered to host themselves!

What they really mean is that they’d like their elderly widowed Mum to host like she used to- but understandably, she’s not up for it anymore. If that’s what you want, you’ve got to organize and host yourself, you’re in your 50’s after all. 🤣

If it was that bad, they'd find the way to say "no" and spend the remaining 364 days of the year eating and drinking what they want when they want. For those who don't say "no" (they can) I'd far rather 1000 of those for every soul who has no choice but to spend this day alone.

Well said.

I'd far rather a family that thought of me all year round than one who made a huge fuss on one single day of the year and couldn't be bothered the rest of it.

Because let's face it- making a hoopla on one day in Dec doesn't automatically make you a wonderful caring relative. Many people in this thread are doing it because they feel guilted and obliged. I literally cannot think of any worse than people feeling they must invite me round - just awful