To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

[MyDearOliveOP]

I see so many people saying that Christmas is just about their partner and children. I get some people have complex/toxic relationships with their wider family members but putting those situations to one side, do people leave parents, grandparents, siblings, etc alone on Christmas Day? I understand that some people don’t want to rush around visiting lots of people on Christmas Day - fair enough - but why would you not extend an invitation for people to come to you so they are not alone? I wonder how those same people would feel if their own children took that same approach as adults.

I don't think this thread will go well for you OP but I know what you mean. Young children is a large part of it I suppose. Often older people not used to children are a bit incompatible with them.

I have always kept christmas for me and my kids.

There will come a point where my kids will want to do their own things with their own partners at Christmas and that will be fine by me too, even if that means me spending the day alone. They absolutely should prioritise their partners and kids and I would hate them to feel obligated to invite me even though they would rather be doing their own thing.

All families are different and I can imagine that there are some circumstances where it is better to leave extended family members to spend Christmas on their own.

I try to balance everyone's needs and preferences as much as possible, and show consideration. I have found that this isn't always reciprocated, so sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. If someone is going to be consistently unpleasant to us then I don't feel that I need to have them in our home, Christmas or not.

Have you considered that some people are perfectly fine to be alone and prefer it over attending a large party with all the distant relatives?
I find family gatherings fun but tiresome. I spent the last four years eating sandwiches and going on long walks with the dog and I hate it when people assume I am lonely and try to invite me to come to theirs. I have plenty of invites, a quiet Christmas is a choice.

I understand what you’re saying @MyDearOliveOP but what we’ve come up against is relatives refusing to travel (not just elderly ones, younger single people, for example). The only alternative is for our family of four to travel to them, which is too expensive to do every year. So we’re at an impasse!

Well, this is a bit reductionist and silly isn't it?

What if your relatives REFUSE to come to you despite your invitation and then play the part of burning martyr expecting you to do a 4 hour round trip. What then?

Are we expected to run ourselves ragged and them not to lift a finger even though they are more than capable of travelling? curious what your answer is to this.

I wonder what happens when every nuclear family unit refuses to leave their house on Christmas Day. Then no one will see anyone.

We have an open house policy at Christmas at our house.
We have celebrated Christmas with parishioners when I worked at a church, Alevel school pupils when my husband worked at a boarding school, single neighbors, friends and ukrainian refugees. And of course our children, siblings, parents and eextended family.

We had to stay local the years we worked at church and boarding school - no travelling.

Every Christmas has been unique. And lovely.

Why is you travelling to them the "only alternative".

Surely the alternative is no one travels and you all just enjoy your own xmas your own way? You dont need to martyr yourselves.

YANBU. It really angers me when my siblings, who use us all for childcare, declare the two week Christmas holiday as their “family” time. What are the rest of us?!

our family usually meet on 27/28 and all head to in laws on 25th so we often have friends with no family in the UK.

Yes, these are my thoughts too. My father never showed even a jot of interest in my children, his grandchildren. Despite my many invitations. It hurt like hell being rejected over and over again so in the end I stopped asking and he ended up spending Christmas alone over his last few years which was his wish I presume.

I don't give a toss what anyone thinks of that, I tried my best and he really hurt me. I am not there to be anyone's emotional punch bag thanks

I won’t travel but I will happily host anyone who wants to visit. Funnily enough most of my family take that position, so we all stay home, have enjoyable separate Christmases and meet up on the 27th.

Half the time people complaining about being alone actually aren’t - my grandparents used to complain about being “left alone”. They were a couple in late middle age, they weren’t frail and they were invited elsewhere - they just wanted a big family Christmas, at their house, on their timetable and with everyone else facilitating. I sympathise with why they wanted that, but I don’t think their joy was any more important than anyone else’s.

This is my family. We meet on the 27th or thereabouts. Works for us! Christmas is a season not a day in our family…

That's what we do and nothing bad has happened yet.

Why, OP? Why do you think people should put their own wants and needs last at Christmas and prioritize those who don’t develop their own relationships but still expect to spend holidays with others?

I realize there will be some people who are suddenly alone, but the vast majority of people who are alone at Christmas and people don’t want to invite have been alone for years and do very little to improve their social life or make themselves attractive guests. Why do you think people who have put effort into their relationships all year should have to do stuff they would prefer not to for the sake of those who haven’t bothered?

Half the time people complaining about being alone actually aren’t - my grandparents used to complain about being “left alone”. They were a couple in late middle age, they weren’t frail and they were invited elsewhere - they just wanted a big family Christmas, at their house, on their timetable and with everyone else facilitating. I sympathise with why they wanted that, but I don’t think their joy was any more important than anyone else’s.

Oh God, this is so accurate for my family too. My nan would tell anyone who would listen she spent Christmas "alone". She never once spent it alone. Every year we would pick her up at 9am, have Christmas dinner, give her lots of presents etc etc then drive her back at about 6pm. What she meant by "alone" was- she wasn't allowed to move in with us for the entire month of December. No matter how much time we gave her it was never good enough. What she really meant was - I can't get my own way.

However, if you had heard her talking you would have thought we were the cruellest of relatives abandoning her at Christmas. Bear in mind you might not be getting the entire truth OP.

God yes, dm has been driving me insane with this. She has people to spend it with around the bloody corner. She would have dh drive to pick her up and take her back if I allowed this. I have health issues and one of dcs is AuADHD, dh works hard and quite frankly it is all about her. I have put my foot down this year, despite all the hints and "just another day" comments. 😩

If you don't want to invite someone because they are toxic simply because they will be alone, don't get guilt tripped by the concept that this means you are inviting being alone in future because your kids do the same because that's ridiculous batshit logic.

The trick is not to be toxic so you push everyone away and they don't want to be around you, not to be nice to the toxic person because somehow this will stop you being alienated from your own children.

Basically this is a coercive argument used by toxic people to guilt their family into accepting them being arseholes.

None arseholes don't manipulate their families.

It’s a MN thing….where I come from in NW Christmas is celebrated across the generation….often 4 generations as we tend to have our children early

Urgh yes, it's so manipulative. Every damn Christmas she'd also spend the entire day complaining about everything too, so it wasn't even like she was that happy when she was with us. You can't win 🤣

I believe this is the kind of scenario you are outlaying and here is my thoughts on that scenario: I think if you have a great relationship with your parent, aunt, grandparent etc... and you choose to spend christmas with just your partner and kids and leave that parent alone on purpose - then yes - you are a dick.

However:

• People dont have a good/close bond with that relative and maybe for a good reason.
• People can lie to you about being "alone". Their family might have offered to have them, but they refused for any reason.
• If multiple people in 1 family are alone, perhaps they should reach out to eachother instead of all the burden landing on you.

But you are her child …she wants to be with you…..very mean of you.
wait till your kids are older and they binbag you for Christmas cos ‘they can’t be arsed’ ….you reap what you sow

Some people like spending Christmas alone.

YES! This is another great example of CF selfish behaviour... you're expected to be their childcare, but if you just want to see them socially without the responsibilities of caring for their kids then its "fuck off, basically we dont want to be near you now"