To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

[MyDearOliveOP]

I see so many people saying that Christmas is just about their partner and children. I get some people have complex/toxic relationships with their wider family members but putting those situations to one side, do people leave parents, grandparents, siblings, etc alone on Christmas Day? I understand that some people don’t want to rush around visiting lots of people on Christmas Day - fair enough - but why would you not extend an invitation for people to come to you so they are not alone? I wonder how those same people would feel if their own children took that same approach as adults.

Exactly this. The comments about “family time” being a reason to exclude us make me angry.

I said the other day on a thread, you and kids/ you and dp and kids have all year to have a lovely day together but some people in particular your own parents in a lot of cases don’t get a lot of family time/ time to chat to others and have a nice dinner and day out so I think it’s nice to think of other people

I don't see my sibling at Christmas. I don't know if he's alone or not, he pops in to see my parents for an hour before they usually come to mine but I have no idea what he does at the end of the day. Nor do I care.

He makes absolutely no effort with me, hasn't met my kids, did not reach out when I've had serious illness and was hospitalised and is just generally an all round miserable arsehole. I'm at a complete loss as to why I should put aside all this behaviour for the sake of one day so he can turn up to my house empty handed, whinge through out the day and ruin everyone's day just because he's "family" and shouldn't be alone.

I prioritise those that are important to me and that includes my children, husband, parents, in-laws, other extended family and friends.

I don't like this idea that people should be guilt tripped in including family members that are completely toxic and have no relationship with just so they aren't alone.

Well it's a case of reap what you sow isn't it.

If you're nice to your relatives and put in the effort year round, and are happy to go with the flow and also pull your weight, and contribute to the socialness/chat/childcare, then of course you'll get an invite.

If you are a bit of a tit, refuse to travel on the day and insist on a three night stay, have issues with your son-in-law, don't play with the kids, sit in silence, or insist on talking about politics and dominating the conversation, demand turkey when the host would rather have beef, never wash a single saucepan... then sorry, you're on your own.

Love this!

I’ve spent Christmases with non-family before. Some who had young kids and some who don’t. I’ve been welcomed and didn’t feel like an intruder. Grateful for those open hearted souls.

That said, for those who just want it to be their nuclear family that’s fine too.

I agree. If you are generally a lovely, pleasant person to be around, the chances are, you will always have a Christmas invitation.

If you demand everything your own way, are a git and expect everyone to come to you and make all the effort then expect to spend Christmas alone.

Seems pretty straightforward and obvious to me 🤷‍♀️

This isn't fair. We had a similar Christmas as the poster you are relying to and my mother would absolutely have been better off with her friends that live nearby. The guilt trips are daft if you and your kids are then left with a shit Christmas as a result

This is why some of us are very wary of the “village” especially child free folk. I’m lucky with most of my friends but I’ve seen this kind of thing in action. Where the village as constructed by them is people providing childcare and showing up with presents for their kids, but they don’t expect to give anything back to their so-called village.

Yes. I agree it's bloody odd. We all went to the in law's house for breakfast and stayed until 4pm then home for dinner. My son said the best part of his day was seeing his cousins! I do not understand people who don't prioritise family. My in laws are not perfect but they set the table nice and we all muck in with some contribution and it's a nice day. I am glad my children have that!

I was on my own this year as I have recently gone NC with my dad. It was fine. It is just a normal day to me.
My DB spends every year alone, but he works in the evening so me going there, or him coming here, was not an option. He lives 50 miles from me and neither of us drive anyway.

It seems to me that a lot of people only want the “village” to function one way

When people say they prioritise their immediate family/ their children that does not mean they neglect their extended family. It just means that timings/ priorities are swayed in favour of their immediate family. As an example - we have had grandparents from both sides over for Christmas lunch before. The timing of lunch is based on when is best for our young children to eat though. Extended family included, immediate family needs prioritised.

I think it depends on circumstances. My mother lives 8h drive away. She won’t get a train around Christmas as it’s so busy. I work right up to Christmas Eve and between Christmas and New Year, so can’t take 4 days to drive her there and back. My children also have prelims after Christmas and don’t need the distraction of having someone here for several weeks. So yes, I am prioritising my family. As is my brother who chose to go and live in another country thousands of miles away.

My mum and sibling plus his family live 5-6 hours away - they don’t have a spare room, we used to live a couple of hours away. Every bloody year there was an excuse why we had to come there. Spending the Christmas period on a shit blow up mattress on the lounge floor or in a travel lodge 6 miles away! or do the 4 hour round trip. The in-laws have always lived 3 hours away, again no where to stay. Annoyingly between these people there’s 3 spare bedrooms none of which warrant a proper spare room. Ironically when we were kids my mum refused to go to relatives because “children want to stay at home with their presents”’ what she has always meant is she wants to stay at home and everyone come to her.

So we started to stay at home so our DS could stay at home, so we could sleep in a proper bed, so we could have a drink.

If they would share the travelling fine. Now we travel to see the in-laws the weekend before, my family the weekend after. It doesn’t go down well with my family (in laws are fine). But there’s only so much give we can give. There’s always more sides to the story

I’m not sentimental about Christmas Day. If I’m cooking I’ll host my parents. Some years I go away. Some years I had to work. It really is just another day with the excuse to overindulge which, I always do 😂

Lots of people who find themselves alone are alone because of their own actions.

My Mother deserves to be alone at Xmas. She is a horrible abusive woman. Everyone I know with pleasant parents invites/visits them.

And I visit my in laws because they are nice, pleasant people. It’s quite simple really.

I think the opposite, and people shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with anyone they don’t want to.

If you are a pleasure to be around and sociable, and have made lots of effort throughout your life to build and keep relationships going, then you’re going to have people around you who want to share time with you. & lots of people are happy to spend time alone, if they haven’t built up close relationships it would suggest they’re happy in their own company. Christmas invites are not obligatory and should only be extended and accepted if you actually want to.

Who should I be prioritising over my own child?

This!

I absolutely agree with you. Of all the Mumsnetisms I despise it’s the “my little family”one.

This is such a great explanation! Absolutely right! We have this in our family - my MIL provides childcare 2 days a week for my SIL children. SIL is a hairdresser... and charges MIL for haircuts!! She's saving her thousands every year by providing childcare from 8.30am - 4.30pm 2 days a week... then she wont even cut her fucking hair for free!!

Then when MIL wants to visit the family on the weekend for a hour or two, they're too busy bathing the kids, cleaning the house, shopping etc... all the excuses under the sun to not bother with her.

Wow - a first for Mumsnet - a MIL defense post 🤣

Exactly. Do people think invitations often haven't been extended multiple times? My mum would rather martyr herself for a Chinese takeaway on her own for years than be with her family. Her choice.

I guess it depends who you consider to be immediate family, for me that would include parents and siblings.