To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

[MyDearOliveOP]

I see so many people saying that Christmas is just about their partner and children. I get some people have complex/toxic relationships with their wider family members but putting those situations to one side, do people leave parents, grandparents, siblings, etc alone on Christmas Day? I understand that some people don’t want to rush around visiting lots of people on Christmas Day - fair enough - but why would you not extend an invitation for people to come to you so they are not alone? I wonder how those same people would feel if their own children took that same approach as adults.

OP, I agree with you one hundred percent. I have known some people who have been deeply hurt by being excluded at Christmas, people who have done nothing wrong. The excluders I know have freely admitted that the excludees have done nothing wrong, they just want it to be the spouse and kids.

There are a lot of very selfish people in the world today. I blame social media. The world was a lot more caring and community-oriented in the Seventies and Eighties. People actually had to socialise face to face, and it led to connected communities.

There's an epidemic of self-centredness in today's world, imo.

Normally we are with DH's parents but as we didn't know what my chemo side effects were going to be we cancelled early enough for them to plan their own thing if they wanted to. In the end it was just DH, myself and our kids. I felt a bit bad yesterday as my brother spent it with my step brother so my mum was alone with just my step dad. I know she wanted to spend it with us and I had to really put my foot down about it. However I'm really struggling with health anxiety at the moment and wanted to kind of isolate without people coming or going potentially making one of us ill. After spending a whole day in hospital last week with a temperature I was anxious of not spending the day with my kids. If that makes me selfish then so be it. I don't know how many I have left with my kids everyone else can pick and choose when I'm not here. I think DH is a little sad about not having it with other people but I can see him visibly unwinding. He has been able to read, play computer games etc with his mates. He's had a really tough couple of months working full time whilst holding the mental load for me. I'm hoping the week of not having to be held to a schedule or hosting others has refreshed him.

What is so terrible about spending a day alone? If you don't enjoy your own company, why would anyone else?

It’s one day, one dinner. I do not know why people care so much about this at all. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal! It’s meant to be a light in the middle of winter, however you want to do that. There are no rules. How did it end up in all this nonsense that is nothing to do with what it’s supposed to be.

Like I said…you reap what you sow….but hey… you do you

Exactly. All this bloody drama over a roast dinner - it's ridiculous.

We did this on our family growing up. Everyone spent just the day with immediate family and then travelled to extended family a few days afterwards. I loved it growing up, never felt missing out because I didn't see cousins and uncles and aunties on the 25th. As you say it's a season not a day.

I’ve got mixed feelings about this. I am single with no
kids and have no family other than my mum. I am quite sure that when she goes I will be spending every Christmas alone and am ok with that, but when I mention this to friends they are horrified and say ‘oh no you MUST come and spend it with us!!’ and I have to say I don’t believe them.

But she doesn't want to spend it with the people round the corner. She wants to spend it with her child, just like you do. When you're her age, would you like to spend it with some unrelated randomers round the corner instead of your own DC?

For us it's more than it's a time of year with a lot of illness, it comes at the end of a long and tiring school term, hours of darkness and often bad weather. We love our extended family but there are much better times of the year for travelling and getting together for quality time.

This, right here, is the true spirit of Christmas. The world needs more people like you, @MumChp.

I have ND relatives who wouldn't enjoy Christmas Day at my house as the baby and cat are too unpredictable for them to be comfortable around. They've never had Christmas alone but what they like wouldn't suit everyone. My mum goes low key for Christmas as it's that's when her own mum died, she has hosted extras but they've been aware of the circumstances ahead of time and not expected too much jollity around the table.

There does seem to be a contingent on Mumsnet who think everyone must want to be part of a big more the merrier family Christmas and don't recognise that people may have their own reasons to want to celebrate on a smaller scale.

I was having 3 extra people round for Christmas & that was extended to 5 as I couldn’t bare the fact of leaving family members on their own. The kids enjoyed it more to. We played games and to be honest the more the merrier is definitely true whilst playing pub quizzes or games like herd mentality. If it had just been my family of 4 it wouldn’t have been as much as a laugh.

What I don't get is where are all the people who don't answer the door or prefer dogs or don't care if humans go extinct? Why has it suddenly gone "but it's Christmaaaaaaaaas! Must have massive gathering!" instead? Will it go back to normal in January?

I agree!

Christmas is only ever me and my husband. We can’t have kids. I have no family (parents are dead. No siblings). He has his parents and one sister who is married with kids. But they all spend it together and we don’t get invited because they “don’t have the space.” We’ve tried inviting them to ours but his sister says they prefer to stay home. And his parents only want to spend it with the grandkids so they won’t come to us separately either. Which really hurts my husband as he would really like to see his parents on one Christmas but apparently it’s a no.

So I’m well aware that in the if, God forbid, I lose my husband before me, I will be spending it alone every year. It’s funny though, I’ve often had people asking me if I’m worried about being lonely in old age because we don’t have children etc. But I think because I’ve prepared myself for it I may actually cope much better than parents who get left alone! It’ll come as much more of a shock to those that expected to be included in the family Christmases when their adult kids decide to just do it with their own families only and tell their parents they’ll see them another day instead. At least I know what my old age holds. I think a lot of people will be quite surprised though.
I’m actually amazed at how many threads there have been this year from mothers of adult/growing up kids getting so upset that their christmases are changing and especially when the adult/older kids want to go out with friends/boyfriends/girlfriends etc. So it definitely seems the realisation is starting to happen for some.

I don't think it's about only prioritising your family - it's about carefully judging how things will affect who. There's no one size fits all. Both children and older people struggle different amounts with being alone/being pulled away from new toys/having their routine interrupted/travelling. Some people protest a lot about something that affects them a little, other people barely protest about something that affects them a lot. When my elderly aunt was alive, she was quite happy to spend Christmas day with a friend and not have to have her 3 over excited great-nieces with her. Her 2 nieces (my mum and her sister) and 3 great nieces me, and then my 2 first cousins) went as two separate families around the 22nd and the 27th and spread out the chaos which she was fine with!

I can’t imagine not having my parents over for Christmas if they were still alive. They made Christmas wonderful for us as children and I owe them everything. Fortunately my DH felt the same way too and we have lovely memories of Christmas dinners with them included. I don’t believe children are more important or valuable than any other generation. Unless there’s a history of abuse or something I would always include grandparents. I have to admit my sisters go a step further and invite the same older people over for Christmas dinner that my parents used to have now that our parents have passed away.

The way I prioritize my children at Christmas is having their grandparents spend the day (and night) who they absolutely adore. Who play charades (and poker ) and feed them fizzy drinks .

i love Christmas as a whole but reframe Christmas Day in my mind. Christmas is the season and all, and my house is open to those who want to come and spend time with us. I don’t place much on the day itself but love the run up and have a Christmas dinner with my husband and DS on Boxing Day.

What I always think at times like this is that people who are easygoing, nice and generally good eggs are rarely left on their own, while difficult characters who spend 364 days of the year being arses seem to think that their behaviour should be excused on Christmas Day because “you can’t leave family on their own”.

So if more people spent more time being decent over the course of their lives then chances are they would get invites to events from family and friends at times like Christmas.

I know what you mean OP. I think it’s a real shame when parents “gatekeep” Christmas for just their immediate family (wife/husband and kids). As with all things in life, you have free will and can do as you wish, but I think it’s lovely when multi generations get together at Christmas. I’m from a small family (only child and widowed DM) and I loved spending Christmas with extended family. Not because I didn’t enjoy spending it with DM (who is wonderful) but because I was able to share my childhood (and later life adult) excitement. I have such fond memories of seeing great aunts/uncles and grandparents - all of whom are no longer with us.

Exactly 🎯

I’m sure you can read between the lines here can’t you? Not everybody wants to spend time with their mother on Christmas Day, for a variety of (often very valid) reasons.

Not everyone lives within confortable driving distance of their entire extended family, or has a house big enough to put up lots of guests.

I grew up with nuclear family Christmases as all my other relatives were at least 3000 miles away. Everyone managed somehow or other.