To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

[MyDearOliveOP]

I see so many people saying that Christmas is just about their partner and children. I get some people have complex/toxic relationships with their wider family members but putting those situations to one side, do people leave parents, grandparents, siblings, etc alone on Christmas Day? I understand that some people don’t want to rush around visiting lots of people on Christmas Day - fair enough - but why would you not extend an invitation for people to come to you so they are not alone? I wonder how those same people would feel if their own children took that same approach as adults.

I wouldn't have any problem being alone on Christmas day. I think if you can't spend a day alone there's something wrong with you.
Lots of reasons why families aren't always together on Christmas day. We are overseas, with separated parents on both sides. We've tried the people pleasing route, driving for 2 days with a baby to get home, visiting 1 parent for Christmas, making sure to spend tome with the other, then a 5 hour drive to another parent, then seeing the other on another day. DS didn't sleep, noone gage a shit about what we wanted, about the effort that we had made - it was always about them and what they wanted, their home their rule, their traditions. By the end of the 2 weeks, we then spent 2 days driving home (not to mention all the packing and unpacking) and we were totally exhausted and back to work.
In the 7 years we have been abroad some family members have made the effort to visit but many haven't, so I match their efforts now. We have a young son with ASD, we work really hard - first time I've taken time off in 6 months and I'm not willing to compromise for anyone and I'm completely unapologetic. We set our own traditions, we do things our way - to some extent we have to in order to accommodate DS needs.
I visited my hometown the week before Christmas, saw my dad every day but stayed with my mum. Mum then came back abroad with us for Christmas. As my parents are separated I can't accommodate both of them here and we don't have the space. So he spent Christmas alone, and we facetime each day.
I haven't seen DH family but they're not the easiest, they dont accept DS ASD diagnosis and it makes any time with them very dififu lt and stressful, so I leave it to DH to facilitate the relationship. Christmas is 1 day of the year, it's really not a big deal.

So basically it's just another example of people being unable to understand that other people who aren't them have different lives, relationships and and priorities than they do.

I drove a 500 mile round trip at the weekend to see my brother and to take my very frail parents out for Christmas lunch. After a day back at work I caught a ferry with DH & DD so that my housebound FIL wouldn't be alone on Christmas Day. We're on the ferry again now to have a slightly more relaxing weekend at home, before going back to see FIL again at NY.

I would hate not to see either set of parents at Christmas, as we probably won't have any/many left.

I wouldn't leave my 83 year old mum alone at Christmas or my single sister. They are always welcome at ours. They love spending time with our sons and it would make them really sad to be excluded. Of course there are the usual niggles that all families have but a few deep breaths and slugs of wine help!

My mum & dad were loving parents who always supported us so it's not a difficult decision to take care of them when they're old. If people have a more difficult and complicated relationship with their parents/siblings, that obviously changes things.

I mean they can come here if they want but there's no room, they'll be driving 4hrs but won't have a bed.

Or we can visit between Christmas and New Year, which is what we do

Personally i’d never not invite family if live nearby. I’ve had a quiet Christmas this year but i’m relocating near family (currently 250 miles away) in the summer so will be hosting whoever wants to come in future years. Mainly to give my mum a break.

I agree. Its a bit too exclusive. And that leads to toxicity amongst family members, and then disappointment.

But I, and the OP, are not talking about people who are left alone because they are toxic.

We are talking about loving, non-toxic relatives being left alone at Christmas out of pure selfishness on the part of their loved ones.

Yes, there really are people who are THAT selfish.

What an enthusiastic invitation! 😆

I was brought up with multi-generational Christmases too. Never lucky enough to have 4 generations, but had three for all Xmases until I was 15, and then for some Xmases until I was well into my twenties. After the grandparents had all died, and before my sibling had kids, it was definitely flatter.

The "my little family" thing puzzles me, because surely then it's just like another day? People are in their nuclear units every day of the year. The generations all mucking in together are what makes it Christmas, in my view.

@SmaugTheMagnificent If you're nice to your relatives and put in the effort year round, and are happy to go with the flow and also pull your weight, and contribute to the socialness/chat/childcare, then of course you'll get an invite.

Nope.

And that's what we're talking about.

It’s context, as with everything.

We’ve done a mixture over the years of nuclear and extended family. No hard and fast rules but I would never want to think of not spending a good proportion of Christmases with my parents. I’m lucky though that we have a really good relationship and I know not everyone is in this position. We quite often don’t spend actual Christmas Day together because of the distances involved and multiple grandchildren being in another location, but we always pick a few days to spend together within touching distance of Christmas.

@MyDearOliveOP I think what you’re getting at is the more arbitrary-seeming idea that pops up quite a lot on Mumsnet about more fiercely ringfencing Xmas Day for nuclear family when there aren’t any issues with wider family and it’s just a preference. It think it happens a lot less in reality than MN prevalence might suggest. I get it in a way - it is nice just to stay at home sometimes as a small family unit, but it’s certainly not for me as a choice year in, year out; getting together with my parents means too much to me for that.

Oh, isn't that the truth.

Christmas Day is one day. The only things you do on that day that couldn't easily be moved to another day are Santa (for children who believe) and attending church for a Christmas service.

And yet Christmas Day has taken on a hugely massive significance beyond any other day. It's not even true any it's a good time to get family together as so many people are working that day and/or Christmas Eve or boxing day, so can't easily travel.

If you get on with family members and see them regularly but for some practical reason you can't see them on Christmas Day itself, this isn't a big deal.

If you don't get on with family members and/or don't see them regularly, then why would you choose Christmas as the most important time to do so?

I've given up inviting mine. DM is 3hrs drive and chooses to spend it with her partner and won't travel to me and hasn't got the space for us. Ex in laws used to prioritise the pub. My DF spends it with his wife and we have a day together between Christmas and new year. I'm looking forward to having big extended family Christmases when the DC have grown up and have partners and children of their own and I can host a proper Christmas!

Oh, this is completely different! You have cancer and are going through chemo! This kind of situation is not what OP's talking about at all.

💐💐💐

So basically in the last few days people have been told on mn they are not allowed to eat away from home, they are not allowed to shop on boxing day and now they have to spend time with people they dont want too? Has thr call to ban certain presents and other demands been made yet?

Maybe people have too much time on their hands or have other mental health issues if they demand other people do what they have decided they have to do?

I presume people are capable of working their own Christmas out themselves?

Yeh selfish priorities

I'd actually love to be able to have everyone here, when we lived locally we went round for christmas dinner every year so it's not that we don't want to see them, but there's literally no spare space we squeeze FIL in for dinner and that's hard enough, we only have 2 hob rings! I'd happily give up my bed to my mum but she wouldn't leave my siblings alone on christmas so it'd be all of them plus my niece, then we'd still have to travel down to see grandparents

One day, hopefully in the next few years, I'd absolutely love to be in a position to rent an air b&b house 24th-27th and have a big family christmas with everyone staying. I'd love the kids (mine and their cousin) to experience a huge family christmas with everyone, but that's at least a grand so I'm going to be saving for a while!

Oh, you sweet summer child. You still think that life is fair and that good people get rewarded. Oh dear.

It's just selfishness. Some people are just me me me, I don't want to.
I don't want to either but I do visit relatives as they would be really disappointed if I didn't. Despite long distance travel and extra annual leave.
If you can't make some sacrifices at this time of year.....

No thanks!!

I had an Ex who’s mother used to say in a really annoying voice ‘but it’s Chriss Muss’ for about 6 weeks every year, with a puss on her.

Every time people go on with this nonsense, I remember her voice.

You could apply the same in reverse. Why shouldn’t the people who want visits and big family Christmases sacrifice their ideal Christmas to keep others happy?

We alternate whose side of the family we have Christmas dinner with every year but Christmas morning before we leave for either my parents or in laws is strictly for us. No one allowed to pop in just us and our child.

I attend group therapy, and a man there was dealing with this issue. Over Christmas Day and Boxing Day, he was expected to visit 7 different households. He said he didn't want to. He was finding it overwhelming. A man in his late 50s in tears over this. it was awful. He just wanted to stay at home with his dog, and do the things he wanted to, eat the things he wanted to eat, and have his own choice of TV. If he said no to one or two people, the others would complain.
He didn't know what to do.