To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

[MyDearOliveOP]

I see so many people saying that Christmas is just about their partner and children. I get some people have complex/toxic relationships with their wider family members but putting those situations to one side, do people leave parents, grandparents, siblings, etc alone on Christmas Day? I understand that some people don’t want to rush around visiting lots of people on Christmas Day - fair enough - but why would you not extend an invitation for people to come to you so they are not alone? I wonder how those same people would feel if their own children took that same approach as adults.

Covid! A problem and a solution.

Firstly I’m middle aged. And secondly, my point wasn’t that good people get rewarded, it was that difficult people should not expect to be rewarded. But I appreciate that nuance is often lost on the internet.

I agree that people can be very selfish. Such as those people who spend most of their time making other people’s lives a misery but then expect to be invited to events in order to play at happy families. Very selfish indeed.

Its bullshit though isn't it? People are largely inventing scenarios in their head to make themselves feel superior. Its utter standard internet bullshit.

Judging by the amount of threads on here bitching about family this Christmas, I am glad I spent it alone. No drama.

What age are you? Middle age covers a lot.

Why? Are you going to do my birth chart or something?

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel Yes, that’s what has happened in recent years. My SIL refuses to travel and my PIL won’t leave her alone for Christmas so they’re unable to spend Christmas with us unless we all go to her house ( SIL’s). She won’t even go to her parent’s house.

I don’t know what will happen when PIL are no longer with us. She’ll have to be on her own.

Authoritarianism presented as 'being progressive' is in fashion.
It's supposed to guilt you into whatever bullshit is all the rage this week.

Your what? No. But you sound on the younger end of middle age. Like 40 ish.

I live by the theory that if you behave in a way that makes people enjoy your company, they will want to spend time with you.

If you behave in a way that makes your company unpleasant, don’t expect me (or anyone) to want to spend time with you.

Therefore at Xmas (or anytime of year really) I will happily drive hundreds of miles or spend hours cooking and cleaning to spend time with people whose company I enjoy, but I won’t for people who are unpleasant.

I have zero guilt for not spending time with certain relatives as they have been spectacularly vicious in the past to me and others, but I also wouldn’t see a friend or family member alone whose company I enjoyed.

We have always concentrated on immediate family as my brothers have always chosen to spend their Christmas elsewhere. My DHs family did the same. I think my kids would have liked bigger family get togethers but despite one sister in law hosting Christmas twice she took her bat and ball home the following year and it never happened again. I think it was a show she put on to prove to her X she was having a fantastic time without him personally.

Three years ago I was pregnant and hosted the last big family Christmas, having done it for most years since getting married for both sides of the family. The only time I didn't was when one of us was at work. The last time I got fed up of complaints and thought I'm not doing this again. I haven't done it since so we've had 2 Christmas's with just our little family and have loved it. Also haven't been invited anywhere else despite both sides of the family getting together.

I think it all depends on your family dynamic. My husband and I always host for our parents (alternate each year). Both sets of parents behave as guests and don’t offer any help, nor do they contribute more than a couple of bottles of wine. When asked to help set the table, clear the table, or anything else, they act surprised that they’re expected to contribute.
Due to distance, they stay for at least 2 days.
Frankly it’s exhausting, not to mention expensive. We don’t get to relax and enjoy spending time with our children as we’re too busy hosting.
We have had a couple of years just my husband and I and our 2 children and it’s been lovely. Very relaxed, not working to a schedule, no stress. Do I feel guilty about not including our parents these years? Yes, but surely we deserve to enjoy Christmas too?

We have everyone here Christmas day. But increasingly I've noticed that understandably the older generation are struggling with the busyness of Christmas day with children yet not wanting to spend it alone. For the first five years of my son's life we spent Christmas at my elderly mother in laws house and mixing a toddler with lots of porcelain and no room to play was hellish. I decided she needed to tart coming to us for Christmas so agreed a 60 mile round trip as it was the only way for her to spend Christmas not alone and for our son to be able to play properly.
Last year she announced about an hour after diner she'd had enough and my husband asked her just to wait while we finished desert. Cue a massive sulk.
She's not been with us as she died this year but as they get less tolerant of change and need a quiter environment. We behave in ways that are not usual for us. Needless to say there has to be balance. Mixing of the very older and much younger generations can be tough but I wouldn't have left her alone for anything. She was a mennace but I miss her.

What does my age have to do with anything? The fact of the matter is that most people on this thread are saying the same thing-they refuse to spend time with horrible people regardless of the time of year. And I suspect that those who have an issue with that approach are perhaps the horrible people in their own families and are unhappy about not receiving any invitations.

I have an autistic 11 year old and an autistic husband. They both hate the noise and mess from a “family” Christmas. This year we have come on holiday to get away from our families and I must admit, it’s the nicest Christmas we’ve ever had!

What do you do in this circumstance? We are in this situation (except 8 hour round trip + delays if bad traffic, so must involve an overnight stay) and frankly I never want to visit again with the kids after this year!!??

What will you do going forward? This is us!

Surely it’s about your individual circumstances. Christmas can be very busy and very expensive; for hosts and for travellers it can be really stressful rather than a lovely holiday.

If you live near to your family and you get on ok then it seems reasonable to share at least part of the day, or do a big Boxing Day gathering or something. However if your family is more widely scattered, it’s a lot more work to achieve the wider family celebration and therefore more stress and probably more chance of rows or drama. In previous years maybe families stayed more local to each other and that might be why the expectation is there for everyone to have a big family gathering, but if people have moved away that might not be possible for them to either host or join in (it’s certainly true for my family).

If you’re on your knees from work, on your last pennies by New Year’s, or you’re an introvert, you may not be willing or able to meet other people’s expectations of the season. Should you knacker yourself in order to satisfy other people?

There are a lot of traditions that worked better for families that lived locally. Sadly they are much harder to pull off when longer distances have to be travelled.

every other year we go on a holiday cus It’s 2 weeks away with very little annual leave needed. I hate Christmas Day once the present part is over with the kids - it’s just a meal and sitting around

holidays are a way better use of the time

if the same relatives live alone all year what diff does one day make - you should be better all year round at making sure people aren't lonely and spending time with them.

I visit my family loads and have so many nice dinners and holidays and fun family time all year round just not really at Christmas

I agree OP. We are fortunate to see our close family very regularly anyway,we don’t wait for xmas to get together
But I wouldn’t leave anyone on their own at Xmas, I’d always invite them be it family ,friend or work mate . It’s the whole point of xmas. That said some people like to spend the day quietly and I can see myself feeling like that when I’m elderly.

I spent every Christmas as a child pressing my hands in to my eyes so hard I could see stars, as my pissed up parents belted two tonnes of shit into each other. Then I was sent to live with my grandparents. Neither parent wanted me. Excuse me if they're not priority in your ever loving world

Problem is that what you're assuming is that everyone wants to have a Christmas surrounded by loads of family all joining in together and having a lovely time.

But some people genuinely like a quieter Christmas, just their family.

Why shouldn't they have their choice too?

And it may be that the reason why they want a quiet Christmas is because they spend the rest of the year running themselves ragged round other people.

Or they know that if they invite Uncle Tom and Sister Pip then they will end up arguing over the best way to carve the turkey, to pull the crackers, to play snap.. and cumulate in Uncle Tom walking out and Sister Pip drinking too much...

Why do people assume that what they think is best, is best for all?