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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little annoyed by this token gift

307 replies

slightlyjadedbythis · 26/12/2025 13:47

I do a lot of free babysitting for my nieces and nephews.

One family got me a really lovely gift voucher. It was really appreciated and came with a really lovely card. It genuinely brought tears to my eyes.

The other family (who I’ve probably babysat for for over 200 hours this year) have got me a gift set that is currently on sale for £3. My nephew gleefully declared “we got that on Christmas Eve!” as I opened it, and my sister in law just laughed awkwardly.

AIBU to think that this is a little cheeky when I do so much free babysitting?

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 28/12/2025 16:12

slightlyjadedbythis · 26/12/2025 14:07

I’ve said no once because I’m on holiday the date they wanted and it went down like a fart at a funeral. Really unhappy.

Show quote history

Thats their problem and not yours. This was a big red flag that you are being taken for mug and they are assuming you will be at their beck and call. You have become "a babysitter" in their eyes, not an an independent human being.

You need to put a stop to this otherwise you will be posting the same thread this time next year.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 28/12/2025 16:16

ILoveLaLaLand · 28/12/2025 15:33

That's the best you can do?

Show quote history

She did better than you in that she at least knows what gas-lighting is.You, however, have trivialized true gas-lighting (which is prolonged mental cruelty and torture, done so subtly that the victim has no idea what it being done to them) by saying this is gas-lighting. This is not even close. You’re wrong. Accept it. Move on.

jnh22 · 28/12/2025 16:16

I get what you’re saying.

I feel like I’m always in a similar situation - where I go out of my way to be helpful and while I genuinely do it because I care about people or it’s the right thing to do, I don’t get a lot of appreciation.

I’d be fine with a thank you or token gift EXCEPT when I see the same people give me a “thanks mate” and then give a gift/pay others who are doing the exact same thing I am.

One time it was helping some classmates move and I got nothing but another person got a voucher and bottle of wine. Another time, in a small work team present exchange - two people got me used CDs. They said they thought I wouldn’t mind getting used presents.

It’s been happening all of my life with different groups of people so it must be some vibe I give off or something to do with me personally.

I’m now menopausal and I have very recently started pulling back a lot in all areas of my life and not being so helpful and generous because I’m angry.

FastLion · 28/12/2025 16:19

So, you babysit for free, then when you are unavailable they make a big fuss and make you feel bad.
Then after doing all this babysitting they dont show any appreciation.

You are behaving like a doormat. I know you aren't one but they sure are treating you like one.

Either start charging for your time or stop.

canuckup · 28/12/2025 16:26

Well, the ball's in your court op.

No-one is forcing you to babysit.

They clearly do not appreciate you.

catmothertes1 · 28/12/2025 16:27

somanychristmaslights · 26/12/2025 13:57

Well you’re being a mug for all the free babysitting unless it’s something you absolutely enjoy rather than helping your family out constantly. Yes I’d help my family, but 200 hours is a bit of a piss take.

What will happens if the OP is ever not able to do so much babysitting? Will there be a big family fall out? Is she meant to continue to do this for years and years?

Xmasbaby11 · 28/12/2025 16:34

The fact you’ve totted up the hours shows you are feeling hard done by and perhaps only just realised how much you’ve done for them? Would you feel differently if they had been much more generous, or do you think it’s their general attitude that’s finally giving you pause for thought?

everyone is saying cut down and be much less available and I agree with that. And don’t make up reasons just say you can’t / aren’t available and if you like offer (very spaced out) alternative date.

NewPinkJacket · 28/12/2025 16:39

@FreyjaOfTheNorth , thank you.

user1471538283 · 28/12/2025 16:53

Stop babysitting for them. Some people only see your value or loss of you once it's gone.

They won't have a free babysitter, not your problem. Someone else can step up or not.

MrsVBS · 28/12/2025 16:55

I get why you feel fed up but think you need to take responsibility, either tell them you can no longer do as much/do unpaid babysitting or stop altogether, you said they can more than afford to pay so let them start doing that. Be firm and say no and stick to it, they’re using you and your letting them. Grow a backbone!

Paetina · 28/12/2025 16:56

Op - I take a more expensive present round to a friend who has invited me for dinner. My cleaner (who comes fortnightly and is paid well) got double money and £40 present for Xmas.

Agree with PPs who say cut back with some notice. In your position, I'd tell them that your NY resolution is putting your own needs higher up your agenda and that, from February, you'll only be able to commit to babysitting once a month (or whatever you think will work) - to free time up for yourself.

Volpini · 28/12/2025 16:58

aloris · 28/12/2025 15:30

I bet one of the things making you reluctant to uncommit to babysitting for 2026 is they will likely say, "But you're letting us down" and "but we booked nonrefundable flights" and "But the kids are so much looking forward to spending time with you, how can you let them down like this" and so on. None of these things obligate you to babysit for them. I would argue that likely they booked you for multiple dates in advance BECAUSE it would enable them to continue treating you badly as they consider you unable to back out.

Here's the thing. You aren't getting anything out of this so THERE IS NO CONTRACT. There's no "You agreed to give me your left arm and I'm going to hold you to it!" There isn't even, "You agreed to give me your kidney and you can't back out now." You are never obligated to give up your own resources for someone else without compensation. In other words, you are indeed allowed to back out. To be polite, you can give them lots of notice. A month, two months, whatever you like. But try to stop letting them continue to fool you into the illusion that you owe them babysitting.

If you can afford it, I would suggest therapy to give you some tools to start defending your boundaries. They are family, which means they know how to push your buttons and get you to agree to things that aren't good for you because you are emotionally driven to avoid their negative responses. Hence your comment that saying "no" - ONCE - went over "like a fart at a funeral." They made you feel bad for saying no, when they had no standing to do so. Somehow they managed to twist the rules of social engagement, not just to hide how much they were being rude for asking you to babysit for FIVE vacations, but to make you feel bad for going on ONE vacation. That is expert-level manipulation. I think you'll need help to start withstanding it.

Good luck! You deserve better and I hope 2026 is the year you start being treated better or at least not standing for being treated poorly.

All of this xxx

Blueskiesandrainbows · 28/12/2025 16:59

That is not nice OP it just reeks of so little thought, I’d cut back if I were you, no one likes to be taken for granted in any setting, but especially when it involves your free time.

Power26 · 28/12/2025 17:17

slightlyjadedbythis · 26/12/2025 14:00

This is how I feel. I love the kids and will happily babysit, but when you’re giving everyone lovely gifts and then for me it’s a £3 gift set it is a bit hurtful.

Show quote history

Why?

You sound entitled and it seems you’re getting your wires crossed and disappointing yourself in the process.

You offered free babysitting, they accepted it. There was no arrangement for money, gifts or whatever else to come from that. Yes, it’s an arrangement that is totally favoured towards them and not you…but it is silly that you feel crestfallen that they got better gifts for others in their life.

You basically fucked yourself over and set yourself up for failure by pricing yourself as free, by being extremely available, by giving them ample amounts of childcare. you basically set the standard as low, where they see you as cheap value accordingly, and like an afterthought.

You think they’re magically going to realise how helpful you are and that somehow your free childcare means they see you as their inner circle and really close to them, but life doesn’t work that way.

If they get very unhappy when you’re not available to babysit, that clearly indicates they don’t see you as being a close part of their lives, and therefore it follows that they wouldn’t get you a nice gift. They don’t see you in that way. To me the writing was on the wall.

Serenitymummy · 28/12/2025 17:21

They're rude and entitled and downright greedy. Rescind everything you've agreed to for next year and tell them all your new year's resolution is self care and to stop being taken advantage of. If they say anything about it being babysitting related you then tell them how hurt you feel. Fuck them. They're the ones at fault here and they're only going to get pissy because of the value of what they're losing by taking such advantage of you. God it boils my piss. Please take care of yourself.

Qashgal · 28/12/2025 17:22

I'm so cross with them on your behalf Op. I can imagine them in the shops suddenly realising that they need them get you something and grabbing the nearest bargain box. The way your Nephew was gleeful tells you how it was considered. Not a heartwarming gesture but a get one over on you gift.

I bet you have said that you love taking care of the children and they have taken that to mean that they are doing you the favour by allowing you to have plenty of time with the children. They will of course be the injured party when you tell them you aren't doing it any more

Please find a way to get out of the bookings they have made with you for the coming year. As you have another siblings family you babysit for and who appreciates you I know it won't be easy if you know it will be seen as devisive in the family as a whole.

Be strong and don't let them take you for granted in 2026.

ReadingTime · 28/12/2025 17:29

slightlyjadedbythis · 26/12/2025 14:07

I’ve said no once because I’m on holiday the date they wanted and it went down like a fart at a funeral. Really unhappy.

Show quote history

This reaction, maybe even more than the rubbish gift, shows that they don't care about you and are massively taking you for granted. I would pull right back in your shoes, and if they ask, tell them exactly why.

TFImBackIn · 28/12/2025 17:33

Come on, OP, you need to put a stop to this. They have absolutely no respect for you and if you don't take action now then you won't have any respect for yourself.

Send them a message saying, "Sorry, I won't be able to babysit for you any more."

When they reply in hysterics, just say, "I have babysat over 200 hours for you this year. You have shown me what you think of me by buying me a dirt cheap present that you knew I wouldn't like."

You could add "While you gave XYZ "presents" when they do fuck all for you" if you wanted to add fuel to the fire.

Honestly, you have to act, otherwise you're treating yourself as badly as they are treating you.

Noodles1234 · 28/12/2025 17:38

Committed? It’s only babysitting.

Become uncommitted, learn to say no and say you're not well, you're busy etc.

I would add it sounds normal not to receive anything, and anything you do get is a token gift / you do for the love.

I do feel they are asking way too much of you, just say youre going to be busier next year.

MyFrozenfeet · 28/12/2025 18:20

When my sister found out that DD was calling in on 27th to exchange presents and have dinner she decided it would be a good time to also call in to exchange presents.
I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it. DD doesn't cope well with last minute changes and she tried to hide in the kitchen with her boyfriend and her dog. My sister of course found her.
DD was coaxed to exchange presents with her, her husband and 2 kids in my tiny living room! 8 ppl and a dog. It was crazy!
Sister did this last year in DD house but i wasnt quick enough to stop it happening this year in my house. I often get overwhelmed and confused by my sister.
I need to make sure that my sister doesn't do this again or it will damage my relationship with my DD

Katie0909 · 28/12/2025 18:23

If I were you I would tell them you are going to be doing more paid work in your time off as the cost of living has gone up and you won't be able to babysit for them for free. Maybe stick with the January ones but tell them they need to find other babysitters after that. If they have the money then it's unreasonable to expect you to babysit so often for free. The fact that they are so unappreciative means you owe them nothing as they are taking advantage of your kindness.

Usernamenotav · 28/12/2025 18:55

I know we're not supposed to expect gifts, but that's a piss take.
I'd be cutting down on the baby sitting! Or even start charging.

PloddingAlong21 · 28/12/2025 20:16

They are completely taking you for granted.

I would actually be tempted to write a long text about how they have made you feel. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to share those feelings when they are expecting so much of you and trusting you with their most precious part of their lives 3x per month.

pinkyredrose · 29/12/2025 01:05

Op just stop babysitting. Why would you give up your time for people who don't appreciate you?

blubberyboo · 29/12/2025 01:51

They treat you like a used doormat because you allow them to!

why would they pay more than £3 tat when they know you will settle for it and they need do no more than display a huffy face at you if you don’t tow the line?

you don’t argue with them

start the new year by announcing you are cutting down the free babysitting to once a month and after that it is paid