“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

[CunningLinguist2]

Is @devoed okay? Threads disappeared & I am rooting hard for her & her kids against the KH.

I’m spiralling.

DC isn’t coping, it’s affecting his health. Because there’s pretty much nil contact between KH and I, there are conflicting accounts and views.

KH is really ramping up allegations about me, I’m so worried I’ll be arrested again. He’s also been so difficult, I’m just at the end of my tether and I cannot parent like this. I’m so scared about what he’s going to do next, I feel genuinely bullied.

I went to see my GP about what was going on at home, I’d asked if there was anyone that might advise on how to navigate it all as I’m worried it’s affecting DC. Now the GP has mentioned a potential safeguarding referral.

I am so scared I’ve made things twenty times worse.

This isn't helpful in the here and now, but your DC will one day understand which of their parents is the one who has their best interests at heart, and it won't be KH.
Any involvement of the authorities is going to send you in to a tailspin because you have experience of how that can go. However, a safeguarding referral might not be the disaster you are fearing because someone should be listening to the children in the context of how they are feeling about the divorce, not the divorce itself, and the disconnect between how they know you to be, and what they are being told you are. It's incredibly difficult for children when they are getting told all sorts by the other side and you are doing the right thing by trying not to involve them and therefore can't effectively 'fight your corner'. Did you manage to arrange therapy for them?
You are going through a horrendous time, stay strong, as difficult as that is. You will eventually come out the other side.

I think the fact you’ve triggered the referral is good. I know it’s scary with everything that’s happened but your concern for your children is what has led you here and you’ve acted on those concerns. He’s coming across as more unhinged than ever and given the last incident was malicious and written off (if I recall correctly) then I doubt the police will pay much attention. He’s already cried wolf once and they don’t like their time being wasted.

Sorry, I missed out DS is under the GP for an ongoing issue but we cannot give the GP a concise picture as we see different things in GP and communication between us is so poor.

I'm so sorry, @Devoed.

I think you have done the right thing with the referral, though. I reckon the more professionals that see this situation and behaviour, the more likely you are to get some help.

I hope so, we haven’t even got the summer holidays confirmed…it’s just all stress and bully tactics

Is this not coercive control? Have you considered making a complaint to the police or at least calling a DV helpline?

KH seems to operate just under the line of accountability.

To anyone looking it, they probably think it’s two parents that don’t get on not agreeing on holiday plans. They don’t see me trying to put DC first and me chasing him for plans all of the time

I mean this gently.....
Then are you not rewarding his bad behaviour with attention? What happens if you don't chase?

Are you using a court approved coparenting app?

@Devoed are you having any therapy for yourself? I know you said DC were having therapy. Apologies if you have said and I have missed it. I think it might be helpful for you to learn to set some boundaries and deal with the nonsense that keeps coming your way.

if I don’t ask him about the summer schedule, we don’t have one and I’m not sure what happens then.

We use an app but he prefers to go through his solicitor. I do struggle to see the point of the app.

DC not currently in therapy as a party (not me) withdrew consent…I am working on it though.

I’m hoping the GP might refer me for counselling or something, I cannot afford everything sadly.

Is he going though your solicitor to increase your costs?

Is there anything in the court order about how communication should happen? You might need to go back to court and ask for this to be added. Solicitors' letters should only be for things that require a solicitor, not the summer holiday arrangements. Definitely ask the GP for some therapy and maybe also explore if there are any charities that might be able to offer you something?

I’m not going through my solicitor, he’s going through his so he’s only increasing his own bill.

We have to communicate via an app but he barely tells me anything. He’s not spoken to me in months, DC has commented on it, sadly.

The GP has referred us to safeguarding and I’m really panicking about it.

Kindly @Devoedyou are giving this wanker all the oxygen he needs. I would cease completely responding to his solicitor. I’d write and say you will not longer respond to communication regarding the children and that all communication should be via the app, as per the court order. Make it clear that you will return to court due to the relentless need for him to control the narrative. He doesn’t want to use the app because not doing so gives him power and an endless means to abuse and control you. Only you can stop this and make a stand. I’d do it when children are in your care and see how he responds. Take his oxygen away.

Also the app needs to be nothing more than grey rock communication for dealing with child arrangements.

@TheFormidableMrsC
i literally only use it to discuss child arrangements and things he needs to know for handover.

We were using to app to arrange the summer holiday and then just got a random solicitors letter.

Has anyone been referred to safeguarding before, did it help?

I just can’t see how anyone can make him communicate with me. I’m also worried they think I’m not being honest about what I see when DC is with me.

This place might help you access some counselling free:

https://womanstrust.org.uk/what-we-do/individual-counselling/

It is aimed at women who have suffered from domestic abuse and it seems to me that he is absolutely abusing you.

Thank you, my GP said safeguarding will probably be able to help me with something like this.

I keep worrying I’m seen as being dramatic and trying to hurt KH. I just want what’s best for DC.

That's great news that safeguarding might help.

I don't know you personally but I don't think they will think you are being dramatic and I think they will have seen it all before and far worse, too.

It sounds so silly to say I’m scare of him but I also want more communication with him…I just want a normal coparenting relationship.

But by all accounts of how you have been treated, he is not a normal human being and I suspect is incapable of conducting normal coparenting. That must be frustrating but maybe the advice of returning to court is necessary?
Safeguarding investigation will
not set out to place blame on you rather to check if they are safe with him. You may (I hope) find it works out in your favour.

It doesn't sound in the least silly to say you sound scared of him. He sounds scary! And you have put up with years of him being scary and not normal.

Maybe have a think about what might happen if he proves incapable of turning this around to conduct a normal coparenting relationship. What would be your tipping point? What would you think should be done to keep DC safe? What do you think the future might look like and which bits of it are you OK with? Which bits need to change etc. I just think maybe thinking it all out in your head a bit might help with the conversation with the safeguarding people. Maybe take some notes or write down some bullet points of important things you think they need to know.