“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

[CunningLinguist2]

Is @devoed okay? Threads disappeared & I am rooting hard for her & her kids against the KH.

Nothing will change if we go back to court. They will say DC is still adapting, and the communication was as poor then yet nobody really cared.

im just so scared he will twist it so that I’m the issue and DC is taken from me.

That sounds so, so tough @Devoed ☹️. Your pain is clear for us all to see but so is your strength and resilience. You have got this! Sending hugs from this stranger x

I just want what’s best for DC…they’ve even started asking why KH and I don’t speak and how we communicate if we don’t talk to each other.

I just wish he would put them first

I’ve spoken with them. The GP is concerned one of us is weaponising the children for an agenda.

I’ve said I’m not saying anyone isn’t being honest, I do feel that the lack of communication isn’t building a big or consistent picture for the GP to act on.

I feel so sick and upset.

I’m so sorry that he is still trying to ruin you Devoed. That’s what it comes across as. You are stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. How you’ve put up with all of this. Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t snap and don’t bite. It seems like that is his end goal to make you seem unhinged. Is there an end in sight anytime soon with a conclusion to everything he is putting you through? I’m just so sorry you are going through this. Big hugs to you. I really hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel for you and your kids. You’ve got this ❤️ sorry I have no actual advice. I just wanted to say how strong you are. Xxx

@Bringmebacktothe90s
thank you but I don’t feel brave - I feel really, really scared.

I just need something to believe and help me.

Do you think he is maybe saying to them how mummy won't speak to him?

So you tell them simply that you send daddy messages so they don't need to worry themselves about this, sometimes grown ups don't need to talk face to face.

Possibly, but they also haven’t seen their parents speak for several months. We also both recently attended a school event, I didn’t try this time and just kept out of his way.

I just sort of said that we don’t see each other much because we collect from school, and so we have to message instead but they don’t need to worry

I think you should step back and let the rope go slack. He will contact you if there is something you need to know. Why do you even need to be messaging all the time?

I can get why it looks like that if you’ve not been following from the start but that really isn’t the case.

I have followed all your threads, hence the reason why I'm on this one even though you didn't start it so I do know that you've been through hell. But it can be so easy to become tunnel visioned when it's been your life for so long.

How about taking a step back now. As a pp said, just reassure the dc that you are in contact but you are both getting on with your lives and don't need to always talk to each other even if you're in the same room. In order to heal you need to stop letting this take up so much of your headspace and start to move on.

i can’t heal or move on when he is refusing to communicate with me about when we have DC over the holidays…we still don’t know. Or when KH is telling me I’m lying about what a healthcare professional has said, or not telling me about DC health. Or when he is making really serious allegations about me, things people get arrested for.

I can’t not give the things that affect DC like that headspace, not when they don’t seem very happy because of them.

@Devoed You are in an impossible situation and I’m sure it’s hard to describe the nuances here. I’ve been following your threads and cheering you on from afar. Your KH sounds to be behaving just as ridiculously as ever. Hang on in there. Keep doing the right things for your children.
Are you supposed to be on 50:50? Could you send him a proposal for the holidays and ask him to respond to it with the clarification That no response is an acceptance? Is this one worth engaging solicitor for?

He’s engaged his, we’ve managed to agree the first two weeks but it’s taken 2 months. Hes just trying to manipulate everything and everyone.

I am at my wits end…worst still, its looking like he might get a lot more of the house than I’d hoped.

It is disgusting this can all be allowed to happen.

I suppose you could try thinking that it might be worth him having more of the house than you wanted if it means the divorce is sorted and you are no longer having to deal with him. The mental load of wrangling this with such an idiot will be torture. Obviously it would leave you shorter for your next place than feels fair but there is value in it being finished. x

But what would happen if you just stop chasing him for answers. Just wait for him to engage with you?

I don’t chase him, I have about holidays because I need to avoid court again

Ok, so what would happen if you just leave it there and wait to hear from him?

All I'm suggesting is that you put this on the back burner for now and start to think about yourself as a person separate to him.

I know it's hard to disengage but it would be best for you going forward. Your whole being at the moment revolves around what he wants, what he thinks, what he says... but actually you can just stop all that now.

But the holidays are fast approaching, how is OP meant to arrange her side of childcare/outings/work/leave. etc , if he won't engage in any discussion about when he is having the children, /when she is having the children?

He isn't engaging with any of that anyway so what difference does it make to just leave it. There's nothing OP can do to make him commit to plans so all I am suggesting is that she should back off for a bit.

@WallaceinAnderland
How can I live like that though, I should be allowed to make plans with my children.

The main issue isn’t even thr holidays, it’s DC health.

All I'm saying is that you can't force him to engage with you. Yes, if the dc health is at risk then continue to report via the appropriate agencies but for your own mental health you need to stop trying to make him respond to you.

You are driving yourself mad with constantly thinking about him and it's not good for you.

I really do understand this about trying to coparent over smaller issues but how am I supposed to know who is picking DC up from school, etc without engaging…the last thing I want is a showdown in the playground

I would say that there doesn't need to be a showdown. If you have set days that they are with you and set days that they are with him stick to those. If not just turn up to collect them unless you hear otherwise.

sorry, I’m trying not to be totally outing so I’m sorry for the drip feed.

He put a proposal together that wasn’t in line with the order. I put one together that was. He either didn’t get back to me or didn’t agree to it, just sticking with his.

We managed to come to a compromise at lunchtime yesterday, the day DC broke up, after 2 months of me trying to get this sorted.