Christmas expense split unfairly

[Blackcat54]

I'm single, I go to my sisters for christmas who is married with two kids. Mum comes too, alone. Me and my sister do the Christmas food shop together and mum brings bits. I had one alcoholic drink on christmas day.
When it comes to splitting the expense for christmas food and drinks, my sister expects us to split it 3 ways between her (and her family) me, and my mum. I dont think this is fair because I'm one person, I barely drink, she's a family of four and she also keeps all of the leftover food and drink for her family. We havent sorted out the money side this year yet but will soon, how do I handle this? She can be very difficult when she doesnt get her own way.

I suggest you work out how much you think you owe - deduct booze from grand total then divide by 4 or 5, whatever you think is reasonable depending on how much niece and nephew eat. Add a few quid for your one drink then just tell Dsis what you’re contributing and why eg ‘ here’s £50 from me Barbara which covers a quarter of the food plus my glass of wine. It was a lovely day thanks so much for hosting. ‘

The difference between you paying a third of £250 or a quarter is only about £20 so you have to decide whether it's worth falling out over £20. Personally I'd pay a third this year and then next year raise the issue of how you are going to divide the cost well before Christmas. That way you can make suggestions about how to split the cost or arrange for people to buy certain parts of the meal/booze and make sure it's done more fairly.

Can you host at your house?

I must be an easy touch because if someone hosts me I don’t mind paying more than my share because I prefer to be hosted rather than host myself.

I believe the host should pay and guests bring things (such as alcohol). I would not dream of inviting family for Christmas and ask them to pay a share.

I think it’s too late to renegotiate the costs this year. But next year agree cost upfront and opt out of the alcohol costs or maybe take what ever you’d Like to drink? We always share the leftovers too.

And this too! It sounds like a very transactional family dynamic. We had Christmas dinner at my mums this year. My DB and I took a cheeseboard, snacks, desserts and the trimmings, and helped with all the prep and cooking. My DB picked up the turkey for DM as she was under the weather. We had lots of alcohol to hand at mums but we opted out of drinking this year.

That's fine if everyone takes their turn at hosting. But in this case, it seems that OPs sister is always expected to host, while OP and her mum opt out.

Even though I have children I still include children in the bill splitting, albeit generally not as much as they’re cheaper.

However for this as they’re hosting (which is hard work especially with a young family), I would say base on number of adults. This is a discussion to have a few months before hand.

You split equally per head and those with the most heads pays most.

Ask to split the cost of the just the food and explain as you have here that as you don’t drink you’re not really that bothered for buying alcohol.

Here everyone chips in for the food, what the person hosting considers to be a fair amount (usually well under the cost of it all). People bring their own alcohol because several people don't drink and it's not fair to include the cost of alcohol for them. Besides, if the host is one of the non-drinkers, it's too hard for them to know what kind and how much booze to get in.

There are a lot of 'unseen costs' in hosting, having the heating turned on perhaps more than it would be or higher than it would be, more water used etc.

This needs to be split between the adults. Your sister is crazy for thinking three ways is fair and not including her husband/partner in it. I would just split the food and everyone bring drink they wish to consume. You can’t be expected to contribute towards alcohol that you won’t drink.

There should definitely be a separate tab for alcohol. This isn't fair at all.

Absolutely. And think about it.. if she says no, she is expecting you and your mum to sub her and her husband. That’s not ok and therefore it’s absolutely fine for you to assert yourself on this. If she kicks off… let her.

I’ve been in your situation before but with family holiday food costs. I’d take it as a learned experience, not bring it up this year but set your stall out early for next year when it’s being discussed in autumn.

’Happy to split the food shop cost between the adults and do prep again but let’s all provide our own alcohol to drink.’

Your sister is hosting and she does two dishes that she pays and prepare the night before. I think you are paying you fair share by dividing by 3. Just exclude the alcohol. Say you don’t drink so divide the food by 3 and alcohols by two if your mum drinks. Still find you are petty for what is really a £20-25 difference… get the kids smaller presents if money is an issue, I would not argue for that amount at Christmas honestly.

Is there any booze left? If there are unopened bottles then suggest you take a third of them or knock the price of all remaining alcohol off the bill.

Either that or just say, while walking out the door: ‘Here’s my £50 - I know there’s 6 of us but I thought it was fairer if the kids only counted as half. Love you, byeeee!’

OP says she offers to host, but DSis prefers it to be at hers - presumably easier because of the kids.

To be fair OP has offered to host and it was declined.

I agree with PP, I’d pay it this time but try and discuss it up front next year. In my family I host and don’t ask for money, but people do bring items for the table.

You're doing your own glossing there, @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease, Children aged 5 and 9 aren't little. I think the 4 way split is fair currently, and should be revisited when the children get older if the family is still following the same arrangement.

Pull up your big girl pants and have the conversation……..it might sting a bit, she might sulk, but it might just be a turning point as the three way share does seem very unfair and disadvantageous to you and your Mum.

Wow! What on earth was bought? I hosted for 6 adults and 2 kids and no way spent £250!

My DD has this with her in laws and lots of family meals out. After some discussion they agreed that costs are shared between adults and all the adults pay towards the children. All drinks are paid by the consumer - so people pay for their own alcohol or whatever they drink.
Perhaps next year, these costs should be agreed before you start to avoid any disagreements. But I would split the cost of food between four adults and you add the cost of say a bottle of wine regardless of how much you drank. If you took a bottle to a party - you wouldn't expect to take it back home would you? (Although I have heard in some families this is exactly what happens!)
In our family, the host never bears the full cost of hosting and those joining in the Christmas meal bring something to the table such as a ham joint, turkey, veg, desserts, crackers or wine etc.
OP rather than stressing about the issue - be proactive and ask how much the food costs were rather than being caught on the hop and finding yourself with a disproportionate cost for the whole thing. You are reasonable on insisting that you do not pay more than the cost of a bottle of wine as you did not drink and your sister is taking the mick if she expects you to fund the majority of their Xmas expenses.

What happened, @Blackcat54 ? What have you suggested to your sister and how did she respond?