Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Your Christmas sounds lovely OP and like a nice place to be a guest!

She might have wanted a nap at some point but felt she couldn’t because of guests. That’s what she means.

Set your mum up a den in one of the other reception rooms downstairs with book, paper, wine etc - if she gets overwhelmed she can retreat there for a sit and some peace and quiet. But don’t change your main day, it sounds lovely

This. Do not scale your day back for her. If she can’t cope she has the opportunity not to come or go and lay down for a bit. It’s not fair on the children for whom the day is really about. If you start dancing to her tune you’ll end up sat in the living room in silence or just watching crap on tv.

She has got all year to join some groups and make friends then so she is sorted next year. What she has said to you is something you say in confidence to friends, not to the person who is kind enough to have you to stay.

Why be so vague then, especially since she wants OP to consider her needs next time?

I voted YABU because you shouldn’t curtail your DC’s Christmas to please a 75yo. She has space to retreat to she can just opt in or out of the parts of the day she wants. Bear in mind that she didn’t change the way she did Christmas to suit you when you were little…

I completely get the pressure of being the only option for DM, but I realised yesterday how much our Christmas days have been compromised over the past few years to accommodate my own DM. My DC are older, but the balance has shifted too far to the detriment of everyone else. Don’t be me OP!

If she wants a snooze at some point in the day, she can. Your day sounds lovely, and not too much at all. Encourage her to go for a lie down when she wants, but don’t change your day just to suit her, it’s everyone’s Christmas Day after all.

If she means this, it would be one of those unrealistic wishes.

A 3 years old is better off without the background TV.

I think it’s too easy to underestimate how overstimulating and exhausting a full on day can be. Add excited children, strangers and a party atmosphere and it’s probably way too much for her. My own DM would have needed some down time at that age.

It’s up to her to make her needs and wants known. She is a grown adult not a baby.

To be honest I would prioritise your children over your mum in this. It doesn't sound like a frenetic day, and if your mum finds it too much she can take time to rest etc. Maybe let her know she's welcome to have a nap or downtime during the day if needed (maybe you could take the kids out for a walk and leave your mum at home for an hour, but only if it suits you), but that Christmas with little children is always going to be quite busy.

I wouldn't insist on a very quiet and subdued Christmas when you only get a few while your children are small. God willing your mum could have ten to twenty more christmasses with you all, but you only get a few christmasses while your children are little.

Having read your post and updates, I think all you can do is ask her. And expect there willl have to be a compromise which may be hard for someone to accept. (Who, depends on what that is). I. My case we’ve ended up that DM doesn’t come on Christmas Day anymore when it is quite busy with presents and excited children, we catch up another day which is more to her taste. It’s a shame she’a not with us on the day, but it quits her better and eveyone is happier.

Can you imagine? 6-7 whole hours with your family without the TV to take the edge off?!

Honestly I despair

What would you have done differently that OP didn’t do? Or would your mum have managed her needs like the grown up she was?

Oh that sounds like the ones I had. One memorable one where we were at parents friends and my mum got so drunk that she slid down the wall, was put to bed and vomited everywhere so my dad (who will have been drunk) drove us home. Happy times.

No wonder you make yours more child centric. You crack on op. I'd be saying why are you telling me this mother?

It sounds like a really lovely day. It can be an a long day with a lot going on when you’re not at home.
I can understand why she is exhausted. You haven’t done anything wrong to make her feel bad, she’s tired.

how mobile is DM? Could it be the stairs are becoming too much ?

as PPs suggest, leave it for now and have a chat at some point in the year. A walk or when in the car can work well, when you are side by side rather than facing each other. Hope you get it sorted in time for next year.

Your Christmas sounds great.

Your Christmas sounds lovely and she should be thankful that she’s included and doesn’t have to host/cook.

What a shame she doesn’t enjoy spending time with her grandchildren and has criticised the day.

I’d be tempted to tell her to stay at home next year if she wants peace and quiet.

If you want to be kind then maybe she just wants you to give her permission to disappear upstairs for a nap after dinner. She can dip in and dip out of that day as she wishes. How lucky that she has the whole top floor. And a Tv.

I am 53 and do not yet have grandchildren. If I am honest though, it does concern me that I might not be great with them. I don't much like other people's kids, and as I only have sons, I wonder if I will ever really have the closeness with grandchildren that mums of daughters seem to automatically be granted to know them well enough anyway.

I am surprised it was too much for your mum as it sounds lovely, not too many people and plenty of space. Perhaps she is tired after long day and doesnt mean it.

I would ask her if there are any changes you could make to the day to help and accommodate if reasonable. I would also say you understand it may be you much and if she prefers you could all visit her on Christmas eve for the afternoon instead, or go for lunch Christmas eve where she lives. Let her know she is welcome to spend Christmas with you but not obliged.

Then she can leave? If she wants to be alone reading a book she can go home… she is a grown up she has agency.

My parents are mid 70s - they love all the games and the chat. And they stayed up later than me so age is no excuse!

OP, has your mum actually said she wants you to do things differently? You posted that she said she found it too much for her- could she simply have meant that it was too much for her and so next year she will take a different approach (eg rest more)?

Well my mum is in her late 80s and she would have loved your Christmas! It sounds really lovely.

i wouldn’t change a thing, if she gets tired she’s free to go for a rest. It’s your family’s Christmas.