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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

972 replies

MyQuirkyFinch · 26/12/2025 10:24

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 26/12/2025 11:58

I think she needs to suck it up. She didn't get up until 12. She had company of your neighbours. It's a but sad she doesnt enjoy her grandkids

TorroFerney · 26/12/2025 11:58

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/12/2025 11:16

That’s a bit harsh. A few simple adjustments can make sure everyone has a good day. Like I said, no one is in the wrong. OP arranged the day she knew her children would enjoy. Her DM found it all a bit much.

Next year OP can make it clearer that DM can disappear whenever she wants throughout the day. No questions asked. It sounds like DM didn’t feel she could disappear without looking rude. She just needs the green light to go and have some peace and quiet.

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I don't think her mother cares about being rude to be honest.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2025 11:58

I’m in my 60s, not my 70s, but I can understand how a full-on day of children who are excited for Christmas, and all the chaos of that might be a bit much for someone whose life is usually much quieter, @MyQuirkyFinch.

The thing I would say is that the kids will be a whole year older by next Christmas, so that may make a difference. I wouldn't be making a whole lot of plans now - wait until closer to the time, and see how the kids are, but maybe look at taking them out for a nice long walk, or to play in the park, so she can stay at home and have a bit of peace and quiet.

honeyrider · 26/12/2025 11:59

She's rude and I'd remind her that you want your children to have an enjoyable Christmas that they can look back on instead of the horrible Christmases you had.

BauhausOfEliott · 26/12/2025 11:59

Was she actually complaining and asking you to scale back? Or was she just explaining why she went to bed early and was tired?

My mum would love playing with little kids all day, and she’s in her 80s. I’m 49 and I’d hate it! I think people are just different. Your Christmas doesn’t sound at all unusual or excessive for people with kids - it sounds like a really nice family Christmas - but that doesn’t mean it’s something everyone would be really into and some people just get more tired of that kind of thing as they get older.

My lovely, kind, fun grandad, when he was our last surviving grandparent, stopped coming to my mum and dad’s on Christmas Day - and it was an adults only Christmas by then! He just got to a point where, as he said, “It’s just all going on around me” and he felt overwhelmed. He loved seeing us individually as adults but all of us round a table laughing and talking over each other and playing board games and stuff just used to wear him out as he got older, whereas he was really into it when he was in his 60s.

DahlsChickenz · 26/12/2025 12:00

Nucleus · 26/12/2025 11:56

I am 53 and do not yet have grandchildren. If I am honest though, it does concern me that I might not be great with them. I don't much like other people's kids, and as I only have sons, I wonder if I will ever really have the closeness with grandchildren that mums of daughters seem to automatically be granted to know them well enough anyway.

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depends how much effort you put in and how nice you are to your DILs. My MIL, who is an angel, is closer to our kids than my own mother and I love having her around. No reason why you can't do the same if you're willing to make the effort.

UxmalFan · 26/12/2025 12:00

MyQuirkyFinch · 26/12/2025 10:49

I think it’s also surprised me because several of my friends parents are a similar age and are still hosting Christmas for all the family. And much bigger families than ours!

Nobody did anything wrong and it sounds like a lovely day, but your mum has a message/request that needs listening to. Small children can be very full-on even when other people are entertaining them and they are being good. I'd suggest another time that you make it clear to your mum that she's welcome to go and have a rest in her room whenever she wants to, nobody will be offended. 76 is not young and quite a few people of that age are starting to have mild cognitive and/or hearing problems so that even listening to a nice conversation is really tiring. It's not really the point that some others of that age are very fit and on the ball, your mum may not be. Maybe if it happens again you could suggest she goes up to have a break every couple of hours and take her a cup of tea so she feels looked after rather than exiled.

MethusalahsMum · 26/12/2025 12:00

Your mum has the kindness to say that it was all a bit too much. She's used to her own place, her own pace & routine. Staying overnight can be unsettling of routine & sleep patterns. She is not being rude or ungrateful, just honest.

People age in different ways, in different body parts & at different paces. For some it's physical effort, hearing & patience. Everyone is different & we adapt as best we can to interact & engage with loved ones.

So don't throw the baby put with the bathwater. Engage with your mum, don't waste opportunities for everyone to be together based on misunderstandings.

If she likes your friends company, maybe host an informal evening in on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day once the kids are in bed.

Don't do absolutely everything & have her spare. Unless she's incapacitated, do done prep together even supervising the kids's chores that you may not have time for. Kids love chopping vegetables & there are child friendly safe gadgets. That way the kids have fun with their grandmother before she gets tired.

Most of all, make it easier & acceptable for to withdraw for quiet time/nap during the day to recharge her batteries. Maybe consider her coming the day or so before Christmas to settle in earlier, relax & joining in without the pressure of the Big Day(s).

Bernadinetta · 26/12/2025 12:01

Could she be a bit jealous of the neighbours and their place in the family? If they are retired they are around about grandparent age themselves (or as you say a “surrogate aunt and uncle). Living next door they see much more of you, and the DC than your Mum does if she lives 3 hours away. Seeing your DC interacting with them with ease and having a close relationship may have made her feel a bit redundant? Not saying she’s right to, just trying to unpick it. As you say, OP- my own parents are 75 (DM) and 80 (DF) and they hosted us yesterday- me, DP and two kids, Dsis and her fiance and DB, DSIL and three kids!

Zebedee999 · 26/12/2025 12:01

harriethoyle · 26/12/2025 11:50

Set your mum up a den in one of the other reception rooms downstairs with book, paper, wine etc - if she gets overwhelmed she can retreat there for a sit and some peace and quiet. But don’t change your main day, it sounds lovely

Precisely. Older people get worn out after a few hours of company. My parents used to be able to handle several days of full on kids at Christmas. Now they stay at home and a two hour visit by adults is enough for them. They can't focus like they used to and have other needs. They are much more delicate in every respect.

Nucleus · 26/12/2025 12:05

Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

It does sound to me as if it was a bit of a full on, constant stream of activities and entertainments that she maybe didn't feel she could decline without appearing rude in front of the neighbours, so it may have felt forced for her. Maybe make it clearer to her that it is OK to disappear upstairs for time on her own if she needs it? Or is there a quieter room downstairs she could go to for a bit of a break? If she has already been there a couple of days of pre-christmas overexcited kids, she may well already have been tired before the big day.

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 12:06

BauhausOfEliott · 26/12/2025 11:59

Was she actually complaining and asking you to scale back? Or was she just explaining why she went to bed early and was tired?

My mum would love playing with little kids all day, and she’s in her 80s. I’m 49 and I’d hate it! I think people are just different. Your Christmas doesn’t sound at all unusual or excessive for people with kids - it sounds like a really nice family Christmas - but that doesn’t mean it’s something everyone would be really into and some people just get more tired of that kind of thing as they get older.

My lovely, kind, fun grandad, when he was our last surviving grandparent, stopped coming to my mum and dad’s on Christmas Day - and it was an adults only Christmas by then! He just got to a point where, as he said, “It’s just all going on around me” and he felt overwhelmed. He loved seeing us individually as adults but all of us round a table laughing and talking over each other and playing board games and stuff just used to wear him out as he got older, whereas he was really into it when he was in his 60s.

She asked OP to be more understanding of her advancing years.

Vivi0 · 26/12/2025 12:06

Salvadoridory · 26/12/2025 11:35

Unless they sprang from your own bodies, nobody, nobody enjoys watching someone's 3 year old performing a dance.

That 3 year old is having fun in their own home on Christmas Day.

It’s really simple. If you can’t abide children doing things that children do, then don’t accept an invitation to stay over in that child’s home.

Peridoteage · 26/12/2025 12:06

Some older people find the games/charades/talent show part too much, and expect to sit quietly listening to the kings speech or watching something on tv.

75 isn't that old though.

Delatron · 26/12/2025 12:08

Well you can’t scale back your children! Christmas with kids is noisy with lots of activities. That’s how it is.

She either sucks it up and is grateful that’s she’s included or she doesn’t come. She is free to disappear upstairs at any point.

I’d ask her what her perfect day looks like. She might not have wanted the neighbours around but she can’t get rid of her grandchildren!

Delatron · 26/12/2025 12:09

Vivi0 · 26/12/2025 12:06

That 3 year old is having fun in their own home on Christmas Day.

It’s really simple. If you can’t abide children doing things that children do, then don’t accept an invitation to stay over in that child’s home.

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Exactly.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 26/12/2025 12:09

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 26/12/2025 10:30

Tell her she can stay home next year. Ungrateful bat..

Mean-spirited post with completely unnecessary name-calling.
Do you feel better for that??

Nucleus · 26/12/2025 12:12

DahlsChickenz · 26/12/2025 12:00

depends how much effort you put in and how nice you are to your DILs. My MIL, who is an angel, is closer to our kids than my own mother and I love having her around. No reason why you can't do the same if you're willing to make the effort.

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Which given the MN 'law' that people should butt out of relationships with 'the other side' becomes tricky. How to build a relationship with a DIL who has decided that it is her husband's responsibility to manage his side of the family? Without being overbearing/interfering etc.

It's all a bit theoretical at this stage as both DS are only teen/YA and one in particular has been put off the idea of a girlfriend let alone wife by a bad first experience!

Left · 26/12/2025 12:12

I wonder if your mum is projecting some guilt about Christmas during your childhood.

Thisisnotmyid · 26/12/2025 12:13

I think your day sounds fine OP. Not everyone needs a nap and she needs to remember your kids are young and it’s their day too. I also think inviting your neighbours was lovely.

OhGraciousMe · 26/12/2025 12:13

Radiosn · 26/12/2025 10:29

Perhaps she needs to stay at home or she could have gone for a nap if she was tired.
How rude of her.
Do not allow her to upset you after all your efforts.
Some people just have to complain.

My goodness, where is the respect for an elderly lady? Glad you're not my daughter, I'd be horrified with that kind of attitude.

starfishmummy · 26/12/2025 12:13

RampantIvy · 26/12/2025 10:28

TBH it does sound rather full on to me. I am younger than your mum and am very sociable, but where is the down time when you can just snooze in front of the TV?

This. I'm younger than her Mum too, we were at the pils along with DHs brothers family and there was no down time at all.

Bimmering · 26/12/2025 12:14

There is a time and place for honesty as well.

It's incredibly rude to go and stay with someone for Christmas and then tell them you had a horrible time.

You're entitled to your feelings but it's your responsibility to manage them and to be tactful and kind about it.

"It was all too much for me, I had a horrible time" is just a shit thing to say on Boxing Day

Sometime middle of next year "I was thinking about it and Christmas just got a bit too much for me last year, this year I might stay in a hotel near you/stay at home as that will work better for me" - fine, honest but kind and managing your own feelings

EatYourDamnPie · 26/12/2025 12:18

OhGraciousMe · 26/12/2025 12:13

My goodness, where is the respect for an elderly lady? Glad you're not my daughter, I'd be horrified with that kind of attitude.

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Well , hopefully, you’re capable of managing your own needs , or at least able if expressing them, rather than expect people to mind read and then act accordingly.

Vivi0 · 26/12/2025 12:18

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2025 11:58

I’m in my 60s, not my 70s, but I can understand how a full-on day of children who are excited for Christmas, and all the chaos of that might be a bit much for someone whose life is usually much quieter, @MyQuirkyFinch.

The thing I would say is that the kids will be a whole year older by next Christmas, so that may make a difference. I wouldn't be making a whole lot of plans now - wait until closer to the time, and see how the kids are, but maybe look at taking them out for a nice long walk, or to play in the park, so she can stay at home and have a bit of peace and quiet.

so she can stay at home and have a bit of peace and quiet.

If she wants to stay at home and have a bit of peace and quiet, then she can stay at her own home and enjoy the peace and quiet there.

It’s batshit to expect others to vacate their home with their kids on Christmas Day so that you can relax.

If she needs accommodating to this extent, then she really needs to stay at her own home. The OP has young children. Their enjoyment of Christmas is the priority.