Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I don’t see how you could have been more accommodating. You asked before inviting anyone else, you didn’t force her to participate, and she had plenty of her own space if it was too much for her. I wouldn’t change a thing but maybe remind her next year that she’s welcome to join you downstairs for as little or as much as she fancies. Your childhood Christmas times don’t sound great for anyone and you are doing much better for your kids. They’re the most important here.

Sounds like a day aimed at keeping dc happy and engaged...you can't sit in silence after lunch with excited kids.

Honestly, I wouldn't change anything. Your day is structured around your kids, your mum is secondary to that. It's understandable that the perfect xmas of a 5 and 75 year old would look very different...but the 75 year old has autonomy to not spend the entire day at a house full of kids.

Sorry you felt it was a bit much for you mum. Next year you could always pop upstairs mid afternoon for a nap? Or we could get you a taxi at 5 if you've had enough by then and would rather not stay the night?

This is her problem, not yours.

It’s your Christmas and your children’s too.. remember that..

What - 2 older neighbours and some children? In what way is that a lot?

How is watching gc sing different from watching TV? You’re just an observer.

So sounds like you live in a fairly large house and your mum had her own room and TV/bathroom etc upstairs - I think either people are being deliberately obtuse or just not reading all your posts. At 75 she had to sit with her grandchildren and adults for a few hours and now she's complaining. I think it's beyond rude. Does she have form? I think she just wants to mark your card that there are to be no other visitors and the children must sit in front of the TV all day next year - don't indulge her.

Well not really. You have to engage, make appreciative sounds, talk etc. It’s not the same as relaxing on your own with a book or with the TV. That’s not to say there isn’t a place for enjoying your grandchildren etc over Christmas and being social, but for some (many!) people spending the whole day like that is so draining.

Your Christmas sounds lovely. If your mum doesn't like it. She can go home earlier.

I expect the OP was a little OTT calling it a "Talent Show" - I doubt for a 3 and 7 year old there were knife throwers/ Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee/ full orchestra playing the next act in.

Probably just a kid dancing for a few minutes and another singing a Frozen song.

If a Grandmother cant enjoy sitting there watching them for 10 minutes, then she is the problem, no-one else.

Your day sounds lovely and that was really rude of your mum.
Does she often try to take the wind out of your sails?
Continue on with what’s best for your family and she can come or not. I bet she did exactly what she wanted with Christmas when you were younger and you didn’t complain.

Better to be at pub quiz, than sat at home alone !

Talent shows and neighbours plus games sounds like a nightmare Christmas day to me 😆
Even when my kids were little it wasnt that chaotic and we didnt add another family into the mix.
I dont see how OP can claim it was low key!

Hanging out with other people's neighbours all day sounds exhausting and tedious.
Why cant OP see them on Boxing Day.

Where did I say she barely knows them? They have lived next door to us for donkeys years and are like surrogate aunt and uncle to our kids. My mum has spent lots of time with them, been to their house for dinner etc She knows them at least as well as she knows some of her actual family!

You haven’t done anything wrong. This sounds like a perfectly typical family Christmas and wouldn’t be too much for most healthy people of that age; my own parents are in their late 70s and wouldn’t find this overwhelming at all. I suppose next year give her the option to come for a shorter time?

Why couldn’t she have taken herself off to her room for a nap? Nobody would have minded, she could just have had some downtime and watched TV and reappeared in an hour or two.

That's really not true.

We had lovely neighbours before we had kids who had children, I still remember their then 4 year old's hilarious song and dance routine she did for me one day.

Not everyone is a misery guts

It's OK for her to say it felt a bit much for her but not OK for her to suggest you were at fault in any way.
I am older with serious heart condition. I love the family Christmas ... I join in where I can and flake out when I need to. No way would I want to srop anyone else's enjoyment just because I am stuck with this health crap.
Everyone understands and we all have a good time according to our health and abilities.
Tell her that next time she is welcome to join in what she can manage and rest when she needs to.
She should be thankful she us well ... I wish I was!!!

Because it’s her choice who she wants to spend Christmas with?

Yes talent show definitely makes it sound more than it was! 🤣 Little one danced to frozen, big one showed us her ballet routine. Whole thing was over in about 20 mins!!!!!

My friend's mum used to moan that my friend didn't have as much time for her, as it was "all about the children". I remember being staggered at the self-centred attitude. Sounds a bit similar. Given how little effort she put into your own childhood Christmasses, maybe you could book her on a Saga break next Christmas and have a relaxing time without her.

Totally agree with this approach. What's the alternative, you tell your kids they have to be quiet all day?

It may be she wants to have a quiet Christmas at her home next year and she is diplomatically trying to suggest it

It sounds like you all had a really nice day, so you must feel like you’ve had the rug pulled from underneath you a bit. I guess only you know your mums personality. Was it actually too much for her, or is it something else; is she tired today? Does she lean positive/negative thinking? also does she live alone usually? it might feel busy with six other people if you’re used to being by yourself

As you get on well with your neighbours, you could ask them after Christmas how they perceived the day wrt your mum, as this might give you a bit of reassurance and a more balanced view too. Other than that, I’d say you sound extremely thoughtful and accommodating. Your mum is an adult and responsible for how she reacts to things and articulates her wants. What you definitely aren’t, is a mind reader. if your mum found the day too much, after Christmas you might have to gently ask her to articulate what was wrong and would have been better for her - and if she can’t tell you, or she can, but it’s completely unrealistic for your circumstances (ie an adult only Christmas) use that as reassurance for yourself if nothing else, for next year

it sounds like a lovely day though, I hope your mums comments haven’t taken the sparkle away

Maybe it was too full on without the tv on to escape into? I wouldn’t like having to sit and talk to people and watch kids play for hours on end. It’s nice to have background TV on, it takes the pressure off

@Disturbia81 the mum had her own TV in her own private room.