Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

But the onus isn't on the OP to make adjustments.

It's on her mum to suggest what would work better for her

It's outrageously rude to join someone else's family Christmas and then piss on their chips which is what the mum here is doing

"I found it a bit much this year, I might stay home next year or in a local hotel to you" fine. "I found it too much and you need to fix it for me" is a dick move

You can’t please everyone. I honestly wouldn’t be inclined to change that day at all - it sounds wonderful. Happy Christmas memories are so so special and important for children. Like you, mine aren’t happy memories and it’s alway slightly tainted Christmas. You have created something beautiful with your children having two sets of adults to play with (their parents and trusted neighbours) and a happy, calm environment. Your mum has no place to dictate or change that - I feel really cross for you. My parents (who didn’t give me the best Christmas) will only come to mine if I cook a full meal. Which I refuse to do. Hence they come for a few hours in the pm. I’d rather disappoint them than my children any day of the week.

OP - maybe DM didn’t want to have to make polite conversation with people, she barely knows on Christmas day, when there is a lot going on as well? The fact, they are nice people is irrelevant!

@Bimmering also this. It’s so unbelievably rude of her to do this. Maybe invite her up from the 27th next time.

You absolutely should have the Christmas you want, & if your Mum wants to have a quieter Christmas then that's absolutely fine too.
People & Christmas's change over the different stages of life & maybe at 75 your Mum wants to do things differently.
I don't think she was being rude or difficult - she was just being honest.

Honestly I think she's being abit rude and selfish tbh. Christmas isn't about her. Don't change anything at all except telling her she can go for a nap anytime she wants or she doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to.

Scale it back by one person.

Maybe she is not good with Christmas as your childhood ones don’t sound great @MyQuirkyFinch

How often do you see her in the year?

On the other hand, perhaps this could be easily solved by saying to the DM, 'It's okay if you go and have a rest upstairs/next door if you feel tired. We won't be offended.'
Very likely her DM feels it would be rude not to watch the talent show/ join in the games.

Thing is she can't choose whether the kids are there or not. It's not as if you're going to send them elsewhere.

There are other options for older people if she wants adult only company. Ask her what Christmas would look like for her and work on that.

Do you think she needs explicit “permission “ from you to go to her room for a bit of peace and quiet? Or does she not want to miss out on the adult socialisation?

It’s the neighbours. Doesn’t matter how helpful etc. I wouldn’t be able to relax in front of people I barely know just because they are known well to the family hosting me

Now don't be nasty! MN doesn't like it. 🙂

Perhaps she should come on Boxing Day next year?

Honestly OP, I think your Christmas Day sounds lovely, and you shouldn’t change a thing. It might be that she realised at the end of the day she’s getting older, and reacted with her comment, but I bet she reflects and thinks it was a lovely day overall.
Christmas is about kids! They are her grandchildren for goodness sake, and they take priority.

I wouldn’t mention it again, but when you make arrangements near next Christmas, tell her she’s welcome, and she can take as much time as she wants to have a break, nap etc in her room. She sounds a bit of a martyr, tbh. Don’t pander to her, she needs to fit in or not turn up. No need to fall out, no need for you to reproach yourself. Sounds a lovely day.

It's your children's time, now. Scaling back means less fun for them. They cannot help her advancing years and they shouldn't have to miss out. Your mum sounds mentally capable of making decisions, still so they should decide whether to rest and have a nap, next time. Kids aren't young for long, christmas is oncea year, they won't always be this age. I wish my children were still this age.

I am sorry your DM feels that way

I was at a pub quiz recently, pub was packed
One family brought their 95 year old parent who sat through it all to after 11pm

Why is she struggling in her 70s ?

Happy Christmas

It was very rude of her to say this. She should’ve waited until next Christmas and said ‘I had such a lovely time last year, but was so wiped out afterwards that I might give the games a miss this year’.

I'm pregnant and spent the day with my husband and two young children, in laws (who hosted and cooked) and a couple of their friends. I found the day exhausting but also didn't feel like it was anyone's fault. I think Christmas is just inherently exhausting if there's more than 4 people. There's a lot of socialising, a lot of excitement, a lot of activity. Maybe ask her what she would have done differently. I agree maybe a rest upstairs would be a good idea for her to have a break from the day.

It sounds fun. You have small children, it’s about them. They can be loud and full on. Don’t let her spoil that though. She can always take herself off for a nap or some quiet time.

My parents always wanted to keep young by joining in with the kids. My MIL has always thought herself old ‘I’m an old lady’ and I think a lot is about mindset.

I’m 30+ years younger than your mum and this sounds like a lot and my worst nightmare tbh. A talent show!! Bloody hell. It is just preference though, others may enjoy it. She’s a guest so if she doesn’t like it then she’ll have to put up with it or come later in the afternoon.

I can't see the problem really.
It does sound a full-on day, that's the type of day you get with kids.
But she has the whole top floor of the house to herself. When it gets too much she can go upstairs to read/lie down or whatever for an hour. Remind her to do that next year if she's finding it all a bit much.

Maybe she was just venting OP and doesn't actually want you to change anything.

My Nan is 72, and she hosted christmas and it was all done her way, but every year she has said she is getting too old for this, it's tiring her out, yet every year she insists it's done the same way. We always end up with 14+ people in our house at once, 5 of them being children aged from 1 to 13, with a lot of drama.

Just remind her it's one day a year and let it be water off a ducks back.

I think if you live alone , mainly quietly, any hubbub can feel overwhelming

So I understand why your Mum finds even well-behaved quiet children a bit much.

And I think, now you've explained YOUR childhood, that what your Mum wants you to organise is for the children to play in another room whilst the adults chat and drink

However that's not what YOU want and it's your home

Explain to your Mum.

She'll have to suck it up imo

Unless they sprang from your own bodies, nobody, nobody enjoys watching someone's 3 year old performing a dance.