Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I'm 35 and it would have been too much for me, too. My social battery isn't the best and I've always found it really tiring to be with family, but even more so with people I don't know that well/at all. Perhaps this is the case for her?

The only thing I can suggest is that you let her know exactly what will be happening. You don't need to scale things down, just let her know what to expect, so she can decide which parts of the day she wishes to take part in.

My grandparents are in their 80s and just sit on the sofa with a glass (or 3) of wine and basically let the day happen around them, chipping in when they want to, just happy that they're surrounded by love.

Its not fear to want to spend Christmas with your family and feeling comfortable and relaxed.

Does she nap usually? My mum gets so grouchy if she can’t have her afternoon nap

Your Christmas Day sounds lovely. You are doing the right thing making the day about the children and making sure they’re happy and entertained. I don’t think your day should revolve around what your mum wants! If she doesn’t like it she should stay at home or up in her room.

But she doesn't want to spend it with her own family...

This obsession with not being 'comfortable and relaxed' is just bizarre. The number of posters insisting it MUST be the neighbours when OP has confirmed it isn't! Plenty of people find the selves very comfortable around people who they aren't related to!

Why do you think the OP’s mum lied when she said it wasn’t the neighbours that were the issue?

The responses are insane.
Op sounds vulnerable, saying she feels guilty and planning to strip back her already small celebration and send her dc to their rooms next Christmas.

This is because of the insane responses.
Please read all posts before replying or don't reply at all.
Mumsnet is actually about to ruin these poor kids’ next Christmas.

I am 63 and it gets to much for me as well. Maybe your mum could have a nap whenever she feels tired?

Totally agree. Why don't you leave the house to give her some peace? Oh how could she relax with NEIGHBOURS there? A talent show is my idea of hell!

Absolutely bat shit. The mother has her own floor she can retire to any time she likes, and she knows this because she did til midday!!!

OP.if you're still reading i really hope you get some therapy because it sounds like you have some deep seated need to please your mother over not only yourself but your kids too, and this just isn't right.

As the OP has mentioned, the OP could have gone for a nap in her own room, on her own floor of the OP’s house, at any time she wished. Short of carrying her up there, what more could the OP have done?

Yes, if DM wants a nice family Christmas with anyone, it's the neighbours!

Your day sounds pretty standard op. Doesn’t sound like she really had to do a lot other than spend a bit of time with her grandkids. She has a great setup with the whole top floor to herself, she didn’t have to cook and she’s still complaining. I’d be very pissed off at her ungrateful attitude and I certainly wouldn’t be scaling anything back purely on her say so. Prioritise your kids. She had the option to spend a quiet Christmas alone if it’s too much for her.

Seven and three are very full on ages. Agree with those saying just straight up ask her about her expectations/preferences. Gotta be easier than trying to guess.

If your mum wants a childfree Christmas, she really shouldn't stay with family who have young children! Next year you'll have to be clear with her that she's welcome to stay with you but will have to be responsible for taking herself off for some peace and quiet when she's had enough. You responsibility is to make your children's Christmas magical and she doesn't get to take precedence over them. I'm sorry that she's said this to you as it must have stung after the work you put into hosting her.

I’m still reading and feeling shit.
My dad died almost 20 years ago and I have cared for my mum since then. It’s become much harder to do that since I had the children and I find it difficult to navigate.

I deliberately wouldn’t plan a busy chaotic Christmas with lots of people because it would be too much for her. But I thought what we did was sufficiently low key that it would be ok. That’s why it’s surprised me so much.

plus on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day we didn’t have any visitors. DH and I took the kids out, mainly for a run around in the park. So it was all v quiet

I hope I never get like that. Yes it's a bit exhausting but just one day a year, a few hours, even.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing.

That was not a full on Christmas. Your mum needs to take more responsibility for herself, if she was finding it too much she could have taken herself away more

Please remember when you're reading the replies that MNers are notorious for finding anything more than a 'hello' utterly socially depleting. The replies of 'it was too much' really aren't normal. Your Christmas sounded lovely. Please don't change it just for your mum, you've already done so much to accommodate her. It's your kids home.

I don't see anywhere mentioned "that she could have gone for a nap in her own room, on her own floor of the OP’s house, at any time she wished".
Maybe she slept on the couch in the living room for all I know...

OP literally says she has her own floor, the top floor

At least read her responses if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

You haven't read the Ops posts, have you? She has a whole top floor to herself with TV. She spent the morning up there on her own.

Don’t ruin your kids’ magical Christmas for someone that never bothered to try and give you the same. Sorry to be harsh but it’s true.

Hi mum, thanks for telling me your thoughts on Xmas. We will upgrade your sleeping/living space and you’re welcome to take time out as needed. But we won’t be changing anything else i.e the kids being around and free to have fun. You are of course welcome to make other plans if it doesn’t work for you.

This is perfect. And if you want to have your neighbours round again, have them!

I think one person doesn’t get to decide what a family does or doesn’t do for one single celebratory day in the year.
One. Day.
If it was too much for her, she could’ve excused herself at any time and gone upstairs to her room.
Either that, or excuse herself from the festivities altogether, which would be a shame.
One day out of three hundred and sixty five.
Come on.

Please, please don’t feel awful - you’ve done nothing wrong. I can’t believe that some people think that letting your children have a normal, happy Christmas with a few games and some dancing is too much!

You say you’ve been caring for your mum for the past 20 years.. that would make her mid fifties when your dad died which is the same age as me and I can’t imagine my DD having to care for me in that way at my age. Admittedly DH is still alive and well thankfully but my own mum lost my dad at a young age but certainly wasn’t looking to me to prop her up when I was still quite young myself. If anything is ‘too much’ it’s her expectations of you.

It sounds as though your mum expects you to make her life run smoothly and as she would like it to, but honestly, you don’t get that choice as a mum when your kids have children of their own. You should expect that the GC come first to their mums.

I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you’re doing a great job giving your children lovely Christmas memories. And your plans for your mum’s sleeping accommodation are thoughtful, kind and more than enough.