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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

972 replies

MyQuirkyFinch · 26/12/2025 10:24

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

OP posts:
MorningActivity · 27/12/2025 20:50

The guilt tripping of some posts is off the scale.

yes she is older
yes she lives further away
and??
it doesn’t allow her to dictate how Christmas should happen. Tobe taken into account yes. Up to a point. To have Christmas Day organised do that the children are shipped away from her, nope. If she finds the children too much, she can spend time in her room (she had the whole upstairs fur herself!!) and come back when she is ready.

Plus I’d like to remind people that not all mothers are great. Not all older people are nice to be around. An older mother is not entitled to special treatment JUST because she is a mum and older. We’re not in the 1900 anymore.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 27/12/2025 20:50

Jack80 · 27/12/2025 20:48

I would not invite friends next time maybe

But the ‘d’m liked the friends? She could perform to them and have them listen to her? It’s her own dgc that she dislikes as they don’t laud her enough and steal her sunshine

Lennon80 · 27/12/2025 20:53

GalaxyJam · 27/12/2025 20:45

Insanity.
I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re a similar age to the OP’s mum and believe that everything should revolve around you, too?

Edited
Show quote history

Nope I’m in my 40s with young kids 🤣

Enigma54 · 27/12/2025 20:56

Holluschickie · 26/12/2025 10:50

I am only 53 and I can't tolerate other people's kids any more for a whole day.

These are OP’s mums grandchildren though and she has her own room, with TV. OP’s mum could have retreated to her room if it all got a bit much and she wanted to rest.

Barb624 · 27/12/2025 20:57

Your Mum sounds like me- perfectly reasonable day but all too much to process while making effort to put on social front. (I hope to go on a retreat next year!)

Washingupdone · 27/12/2025 20:57

I am 75 and have my DD, SiL and 6 month latest GC staying with me for a week in my flat. I also had 14 for Christmas Dinner DC, SiLs and 6 DC. No room to swing a cat but everyone was happy.
I think you are very kind to have your mother stay with you and as she has the top floor to herself I don’t think you should worry for next year as she can sneak away if she is tired of the mess and noise children make.

Washingupdone · 27/12/2025 20:58

6 DGC

SquirrelRed · 27/12/2025 21:23

I really think you should think deeply about why you are so desperate to please your mother, even at the expense of your own children

croydon15 · 27/12/2025 21:23

Evergreen21 · 26/12/2025 11:11

She has a choice as to whether she comes and stays or not. Your day sounded lovely and of course your children opening their toys is a part of the day. It stands to reason it will be a child centric day when you have young children. She came down at 12 so wasn't up early and had the option of going for a rest whenever she wanted.

She actually sounds self centred because the day isn't just about her. I appreciate you don't want to upset her but I'd be telling her she isn't the main character at Christmas and is welcome to take herself upstairs when she is feeling drained however the day is child centred so she should think about that before she joins you again.

This - Christmas day is for children your DM should try to remember that.

DoesItEverGetEasier · 27/12/2025 21:33

You sound lovely op with all the things you want to do to accommodate your children and your mum. I wouldn’t stress yourself out now, you have 12 months to thinks about it. Invite her down for a weekend in a couple of months when it’s quiet and not much on, see how that goes and have a chat with her closer to the time about the bits she likes/doesn’t like. Boxing Day felt like a bit of a downer for us yesterday and I thought I should have kept some presents back, maybe she would prefer to come down on Boxing Day and have a more chilled day with you. It may feel sad that she misses “Christmas” but it might be a happy medium that you all enjoy, never too late for new traditions.

morebutterthantoast · 27/12/2025 21:40

You do Christmas the way it works for you and your family, it sounds lovely. Your DM had her own space to retreat to if she needed a break! She sounds a tad entitled.

Calliopespa · 27/12/2025 21:44

Christmas Day was a lot for me and I'm much younger than 75.😬

I think it just is a long day.

nettie434 · 27/12/2025 21:46

Yeah I don’t have great childhood memories of Christmas. Adults getting drunk and being abusive to each other, doors slamming, my mum crying.

I am quite surprised that your mum doesn't seem to be relieved that things are much nicer at your house compared to what she was used to. I know I would be if I were your mum.

Personally, I think your Christmas sounded lovely, especially as your mum had plenty of chances to take a break from the festivities.

FiredFromACannon · 27/12/2025 21:53

I think your mum has to take a bit of responsibility for herself here and either take herself off to another room when it’s too much for her or stay at home but she’s being unreasonable because she knows you have small children and small children are tiring.

mullers1977 · 27/12/2025 21:58

MyQuirkyFinch · 26/12/2025 10:24

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Your christmas sounds very similar to our Christmases over the years, my mum is74 inlaws are 78, if they said same as your mum I'd have to offer them an afternoon nap or a cup of tea in front of tv on their own, or they go home…. My kids love our Christmas and lots of games...

abracadabra1980 · 27/12/2025 21:58

Being around family plus extras is exhausting for some people, me included and I'm nowhere near her age. I'm happy for a couple of hours, then I want my own home and my own bed for a while. She hasn't been rude, she's just trying to reach out and explain something to you an it's up to you to work it out. We are all different. My DM is 85 and would have people at her house for days on end. I just wasn't made that way.

annemac101 · 27/12/2025 22:10

It's not the games and noisy children, it's the neighbours/ friends, Your mother wants your attention and not to be sharing your family with the neighbours. Maybe next year make a separate day for them and let your mum enjoy a purely family Christmas.

Goldwren1923 · 27/12/2025 22:11

Sorry your mum sounds like a selfish old woman
Cant believe you want to pander to her but you probably were raised in fear of displeasing her, so…

GalaxyJam · 27/12/2025 22:14

annemac101 · 27/12/2025 22:10

It's not the games and noisy children, it's the neighbours/ friends, Your mother wants your attention and not to be sharing your family with the neighbours. Maybe next year make a separate day for them and let your mum enjoy a purely family Christmas.

Except her mum said it wasn’t the neighbours. Why does everyone seem to be suggesting that the OP’s mum is a liar? She explicitly said it wasn’t the neighbours that were the issue.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 27/12/2025 22:14

annemac101 · 27/12/2025 22:10

It's not the games and noisy children, it's the neighbours/ friends, Your mother wants your attention and not to be sharing your family with the neighbours. Maybe next year make a separate day for them and let your mum enjoy a purely family Christmas.

No she doesn’t, she happily gets hosted by neighbours at theirs, happy to perform for them, what she has not liked, is having her lime light dulled by toddlers

ForTheForseeable · 27/12/2025 22:16

annemac101 · 27/12/2025 22:10

It's not the games and noisy children, it's the neighbours/ friends, Your mother wants your attention and not to be sharing your family with the neighbours. Maybe next year make a separate day for them and let your mum enjoy a purely family Christmas.

Her mum has literally told the OP it wasn't the neighbours

Even if it was, the OPs mum has a choice then doesn't she. It's OP's house!

PositiveCat · 27/12/2025 22:20

MyQuirkyFinch · 27/12/2025 08:26

I think it’s easy to focus on the negative. And also my mum is telling me it’s not working for her so I do have to take that into account

Show quote history

But not to your and your children’s detriment!

Your mum has a voice. Surely at any point she could say ‘look Janet, I’m knackered and fed up with pandering to the kids, I’m off for a baileys and a lie down’ without fearing your condemnation?

Your Christmas Day sounds really lovely and the sort to create magical memories for your children. Don’t feel you’re doing it wrong just because it isn’t your mum’s cup of tea!

Blakeley · 27/12/2025 22:22

My son started to question Santa at age 8, those years of true magic are short lived don't curtail it even further by pandering to your mother’s selfish demands.

Christmas is exhausting for many, but really it’s about precious time with family, making memories and compromise has to happen for most families in order for that to occur. I think you’ve given her enough space to retreat, you asked her about inviting additional guests and she agreed in advance, I’d love to know what she expects you to do, because silencing your young children on Christmas Day is not a fair option.

reading some posts about grandparents who don’t want to listen to their grandchildren playing their instruments etc makes me so sad and also so grateful that mine and DH family have always supported and involved my son and his cousins as equal members of the family. A quite sherry whilst children are seen and not heard is actually our idea of a nightmare Christmas, adult time happens when they go to bed.

Ormally · 27/12/2025 22:26

Sometimes, it's not possible to please everyone.
If your Mum has had years where she has been used to having a big practical role in Christmas, it may be harder for her to be a guest somewhere where the sequence of the day is sailing on excited child attention span timings.
We joined family members this year at a holiday place that, at one point, had about 16 people present. There was a lot of entertainment - snooker table, dominoes, games, smart speakers for music, and a boiling water tap rather than a kettle - but it also meant a lot of scattered attention with a need to have a real eye on several young children who were doing things such as potting snooker balls hard onto a chippable flagstone floor, and those who were used to a kettle not being able to figure out how to make a quick cup of tea in case of 5 minutes of withdrawal (intensified once a power cut disrupted the tap programming).
Your home was not at all as full on, and there would have been lots of fun bits, but maybe too much of a contrast from day to day for your DM when timings from one thing to another are rather loose (if they're like my DPs) and can allow for quiet and focus on the newspaper or the puzzle page or whatever. I'd maybe say your DC won't be small forever but ask what would help your DM to feel more comfortable, whether she would like a job, and if so, somewhere quiet? or similar.

Stillher · 27/12/2025 22:36

I wonder if she was edging towards saying she didn't want to come next year but didn't want to upset you? My gran stopped coming for Christmas in her 70s. She was partially deaf and had digestive problems so wasn't bothered about a lot of food or entertainment. She said she preferred to stay home and was genuinely happy to do this.

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