Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I’m sorry OP. I think your Christmas Day sounds perfect. Can I come next year instead?!
Seriously though, this a tricky one. Maybe ask her how she would like to spend the day?

Normal people actually quite like indulging their kids/grandkids and enthusing about them doing things like a talent contest, and playing games with them, especially on bloody Christmas Day.
MN blows my mind sometimes!

I'm 56 and being around people (even people I like) that long would be exhausting for me. Maybe it's an introvert/extrovert thing? What does your Mum want to do next year? Maybe if everyone else went for a walk after lunch she could have an hour to recharge? Could she stay at home and just come in time for lunch?

Why would you do any of this @MyQuirkyFinch? Your childhood Christmas memories aren’t good. Why is your focus on your mum and not your kids? Keep the lovely Christmas that you have… and let your mum take time out in her ‘apartment’ when she’s too overwhelmed!

Yes, me too but we are lucky..Not everybody feels the same.

DC3 means third born child. So to say you have only 2 DCs then that is illogical for a start.

Apart from that, it does sound like a busy day when probably all your DM wanted was a nice dinner & to relax.

If you don't want to be around other people then don't go to someone else's house for Christmas! Or at the very least, excuse yourself if you want quiet time, rather than expecting everyone else to proactively engineer it for you. Maybe OP's DH, who already hosts his mother-in-law every single Christmas, doesn't especially want to have to vacate his own house for her on demand?

Seriously?

She said she had a 7 and a 3 year old. It was perfectly obvious what DC3 meant
.
The DC bullshit also isn't an actual language, you know that right?

Why post just to be a cow?

I'm almost 76 and DH is 83. This year I had DH's 82 year old cousin over for dinner on Christmas Eve and cooked a ham, some of which coldly furnished forth the buffet table on Christmas Day. I hosted a buffet on Christmas Day (i.e. no sit-down roast dinner, which I did last year for 14 of us) for 12 of us - DS and DIL and 3 DGC aged 7-13, DIL's DSIS and her DH and 2 DC aged 7 and 9, plus DIL's DF. I did much of the prep myself over a three day period plus freezer stuff from Costco, though DIL brought some bits and some wine and both DIL and DSIS helped the kids to help themselves.

Presents all round were opened (the kids had had their own family presents earlier in the day but they had gifts from us and their other DGF) and much food was eaten (though I have some nice leftovers). They were here from about 3pm through to about 8:30pm. DH cleaned and tidied before and after. It was noisy and chaotic, but the grown-ups had lots of conversation and the kids mainly entertained themselves. On Boxing Day we went to another large family party with DIL's extended family, which was equally noisy and chaotic with another six small children in the mix.

I don't think I'm in any way exceptional but I am now glad of a weekend when I don't have to see anybody or do anything. However, I think if I were more frail or less used to noisy grandchildren, I might have found it too much. But in that event, I would quietly say so and remove myself to somewhere quieter rather than expect the day to revolve around me.

You want OP to leave her own house for a walk so her guest who has her own floor can have a break? The guest who only joined in at midday as it was?

Have I read that right?

No, you didn't read that right.

The OP clearly wants her Mum there and asked for suggestions so I made one. A walk after lunch is a fairly traditional Christmas activity.

Lots of people want lots of different things at Christmas. She may have just wanted a nice dinner and to relax, but she accepted the hospitality of her daughter who has 2 young children, and therefore that was unlikely to happen. People can’t always have exactly that they want, and if you’re staying at someone else’s house and being fed/looked after by them, then there’s usually some element of compromise.
Having said that, she basically did just have a nice dinner and relax. Sounds like she didn’t even move from her chair except to go up to bed at 7pm, so it wasn’t like she was being made to do anything strenuous.

OP clearly wants her Mum there and asked for suggestions, I made one. I didn't order anyone out of the house. I made a suggestion the OP could take to Mum or reject.

A walk after Christmas lunch is a fairly traditional activity. It's not an "out there" thing.

So yes, I read that exactly right.

Given OPs rather concerning update it sounds like the kids will be upstairs in their rooms next year so her mum won't have anything to stress her out anyway

She might be dead soon - just family next year !

The OP might also be dead soon (we all might!), so surely best to spend Christmas with her newest and dearest, which appears to include her close friends/neighbours!

Statistically likely to be her mum though. She already lives miles away from her so should heed what her mum has said.

Why ‘should’ she do anything? The way the OP describes her Christmas’ growing up does not suggest that her mum put her children first, so why should the OP now put her mum’s enjoyment and happiness at Christmas ahead of her own and her children’s? Just because she’s 75 and lives a long way away?

She might be dead soon -- can you get rid of your children for the day next year OP so your mum isn't bothered by them?

This! I'm absolutely slack jawed by these responses.

Yes and she’s clearly paying for it living miles away with no family support. Also different generation wasn’t that easy for women to leave!

I agree it sounds like mum would have preferred a family day without the neighbours. Even though she knows them it’s a lot less relaxed for her with them there.

Insanity.
I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re a similar age to the OP’s mum and believe that everything should revolve around you, too?

I would not invite friends next time maybe

The OP has said it was the children her mum had a problem with.