Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Ask your mum what she'd like next year.

Christmas is for kids don't scale childhood back. Who ever says this is full on are mean. The TV update and mini sitting room is more than enough escape or she cab chose to stay home Xmas day and come in the Christmas lul

It sounds like you are creating a much nicer Christmas for your kids than your own mum did. If you were in therapy, I think a therapist might be pushing you to consider why your mum has felt the need to make you feel bad about it. You are lucky in that she has great guest facilities - don’t change a thing next year, but remind her that since it was all a bit much last time, she should take herself away for a lie-down after dinner / in the afternoon.

Tell her that next year she needs to take herself up to her room (or another room) when she needs some space and quiet. It doesn’t sound like you had an over the top day and tbh it is more important that the children have a fun day - don’t expect two young kids to be happy with a Christmas aimed at someone in their 70s. Maybe she felt like she needed permission to excuse herself and didn’t feel brave enough? Make it very clear you understand her need for a quieter day but your focus is the children and you absolutely won’t be offended if she doesn’t join in with everything.

Or maybe just some quiet time. My DM in her early 80s once said at the last minute on Christmas Eve, that she thought a busy family Christmas, with my sister and niece as well as us, would be too much. She preferred to stay quietly at home. So I drove down with her presents and some nice food, and she enjoyed her peaceful day.

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Getting a smart TV and a fridge / coffee station set up is ideal as she can then go upstairs when it gets too much. But do not tell your DC they can’t do their 5 min talent show or want to be noisy. Your mum should be fitting into your day. I’m sure my mother found my 3 kids annoying when they were younger and we stayed 4-5 days (at her request) but she would never have suggested we have a less child friendly christmas. Christmas should be centred around children when young.

It's a day for children really. Honestly I spent about 6 weeks getting quite excited about the grandchildren presents, making special food etc.
I'm a little older than OPs mum and had a great day with the family.It was very relaxed though. It was tiring and I was ready to leave about 8 but the whole family was pretty shattered.
It sounds as if OP hosted a super day, her mum should just have gone up for a nap.

That would make me worry about her cognitive health. Any other oddities recently?

Sounds like your mum gets stressed out easily & that’s just her personality?
Or maybe she enjoyed the day at the time but is feeling tired the next day? Young children are exhausting when you’re not used to them.
I think your Christmas sounds lovely, maybe just mention to her that she can take a break at any point she needs it. If she chooses not to that’s on her.

Really baffled by some of the responses here. Doesn't sound full on at all and there were plenty of opportunities for your mum to step away. I wouldn't be changing it!

Hi OP! Your Christmas Day sounds lovely. I'm early 70's and it sounds as near perfect a Christmas as I could hope for. For me, as WorkingItOutAsIGo mentioned, the only thing that would be slightly off putting would be the presence of your friends. Everything else sounds wonderful, particularly as you and your husband did the cooking.... absolute bliss for me as the only interest I have in cooking is the eating of it! 🤣 It's a shame your Mum spoke about her advancing years but only you know the tone in which it was said. I'm only a year or two younger than your Mum and I've never thought like that (yet). If you ask your Mum what she specifically found difficult, you may be able to adjust one or two things next year. If she talks of things that you can't or won't be able to change, then some difficult choices need to be made. It sounds as though you had a really special day and you sound like a lovely family. Happy New Year to you. 🥂

Not all 75 yo mum's are the same but as we age, for some of us, it can be a lot of effort just to be around people when we are used to being a bit more alone. I was out of the house for 4 hours with 3 other adults and felt exhausted and I didn't cook or help much at all. Sometimes it's hard to say you just need s few minutes/a nap - we don't like being rude or getting old or upsetting people but masking a polite smile can be tiring. Maybe just suggesting she could take herself off a bit at times if she wants to and it's no bother at all would reassure her. Your plans for upstairs sound great too. A kettle, fridge, a TV she's familiar with how to use and a few touches will probably make a massive difference. Of course, it might be that she just misses the old times and people and is reflecting on that. I think your day sounds lovely and you shouldn't be changing your plans for you and the kids/guests too much at all.

Your dm had the Xmas she wanted when you were young and you don’t have good memories. Do you want to replicate those memories for your kids?
Give her the nice cosy room, then she can pick and choose which bits she wants to join in with.
Do not sacrifice your kids Xmas and their memories for your mother.

I'd be clear that the only compulsory activity is meal times and anybody who wants some quiet time can go to their own room - give the kids as well as your mum this option. People who host are in their own spaces setting the 'rules' so more in control than they are as guests. I think it will help your mum if she feels socially able to dip out and it'll help if the kids are doing the same.

You can restrict noisy toys to one room downstairs / the kids' bedrooms.

Also consider giving your mum some jobs so she has an activity that isn't trying to get up to speed on a new children's brand fast as an excited child tries to explain a new toy.

You’re Christmas Day sounds lovely, and I’m wondering why you are so worried about catering everything to your mothers needs and not the children’s? ( especially when it was never catered to your needs as a child? )
some of the responses on here are insane, quite honestly.

I think probably at 75 if she's used to living alone, the excitement of the day plus 2 children would be enough. This is not knocking your day. It sounds like it was lovely. But probably inviting round the couple next door was what sent it over the edge for her. Particularly if she's starting to develop slight hearing loss. The noise of many people talking can be very difficult and over stimulating. I would sit with it until you don't feel defensive then ask her what she found overwhelming and listen to her answers without dashing to respond. Then think about how it was from her perspective rather than the perceived hurt or judgement of your choices- it's not easy to do I know. I don't think she was necessarily being miserable, just honest because she doesn't feel like she could do another Christmas like that and would prefer to stay at home if it's non negotiable. As someone who lost their dad unexpectedly at 72, nothing is a given and these memories will be so much more precious for you and the children when she's gone. Neighbours can easily come over for drinks for the new year etc.

I’m the same age as your mum and that sounds like a really enjoyable Christmas Day to me, I like to watch all the fun and games and join in if I want to. Give me a nice comfy chair, a glass or two of Sherry and I’m happy.

This.

OP has already addressed the issue regarding the neighbours. The DM didn't mind them. It appears to be the DC.

I wouldn't tolerate this at all and I'd be pretty blunt with her about it. Your mum is a guest, she either accepts that she doesn't get the whole day revolving around her and her wants, or she stays at home. She had the chance to have the Christmases she wanted when you were young and it sounds like she did a crap job then. My guess is that there's a lot more to this and she has always been pretty selfish. My mother-in-law is nearly 90 and wouldn't dream of saying anything like this, if she found things a bit hectic she'd just take herself off for a break, that's why she is beloved and why we all do what we can to look after her and enjoy having her around.

Because it's Her House and Her Christmas.

The absolute fear of Other People on Mumsnet is absolutely something to behold.

It’s insane isn’t it? Anyone outside of ‘our little family’ is to be regarded with distaste and distrust. In real life, some of us love our friends and choose to spend time with them, potentially even more so than with our families!

Are you joking? Are you seriously going to do this?

Your poor kids.

It really is. All this nonsense of people claiming it to be utterly exhausting etc. this is why people take the piss out of Mumsnet. It's crazy. Normal people don't operate like this.