Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

My mother was the same when my children were small never really interacted or played with them, unlike my lovely MIL, she was unbelievably jealous of the relationship my MIL had with my children but still made no effort. Don’t let her spoil your Christmases, which sound lovely , by the way.
If she wants to come and spend time with you at Christmas then she needs to suck up the odd annoyance, I would just tell her that unfortunately your focus is on giving the children the best Christmas you possibly can so will understand if she wants to take herself off to her room or shorten the stay in future

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1. the OP doesn't have those nice memories from family Christmas- adults were drinking and the children hushes away
2. These friends are effectively part of the family, step-in-uncle and aunt. Are hands-on with the children and the DM knows them well enough. For her it is no difference compared to having some ILs. 3)the DM very probably sees the children as too much.

I don't think you should be allowing your mother to dictate how you all celebrate Christmas. Give her a better tv and make it clear she can retire to her room as she pleases bug you have responsibilities to your DC & DH. Older people do get a bit more difficult but they shouldn't be allowed to spoil events for others.

I'm inclined to agree with you: the fact the mother has spent previous Christmases quite happily with OP yet this year "blindsides" OP by telling her this year it was too much for her because of the kids. She'd have seen the neighbours getting involved with the kids and helping out as much as if they were family with no nastiness or drunkeness and it probably brought back some very difficult memories for her of the kind of Christmases inflicted on OP when she was young. I think there might be a bit more to it than age, even if that is at least partially a factor.

Fast forward 20 years your DC talking about Christmas. Rendering how dull and subdued it was. Being sent to their rooms to play tiptoeing round Grandma. Is that what you want?

I have 3 dc and my parents joined us for dinner but they live nearby so arrived for dinner and dessert and home again all in total less than 3 hours of a visit but was probably plenty for df. I wouldn't change much about what you do. You provided a space away for her to go to rest etc having a nap in an armchair surrounded by toys and chaos is standard Xmas fare. And at the end of the day the children are in their own home enjoying their toys and family time which is what it is all about. You can spend 121 time in the days after but its 24hours which is magical for your dc. You can't expect them to tone down their joy but its entirely reasonable to expect your dm to regulate her own needs and go to a space that suits her that you've generously set up just for her. Happy Christmas

Erm no! Your kids are only small once do what you want to do!! How extremely selfish of her. If she doesn’t like it don’t come!! I wouldn’t be changing it up because of her reasons.

What? No! The most important peoples’ opinions on your Christmas Day are your DCs. Ask THEM what they thought of your Christmas Day. Not strangers online who are taking their own miseries out on you. Not someone who- in your own words- wants a drunken punch up a la Eastenders. Do you want your kids to look back and say Christmas used to be great until they had to shut up and/or go to their rooms because grandma didn’t like them having a good time in their own home? Don’t expect them to feel anything but resentment towards her (and you) going forward. As for her not getting enough quality 1:1 time, FFS she’s not an infant. Stop indulging her nonsense.

My MIL said the same after Xmas here 2 years ago with one 2yo. She’s mid 70s. My dad outwardly expressed that a few hours of “chaos” would be more than enough before this Christmas. He’s 64.

Neither of them ever raise a finger or are expected to entertain the kids etc, so it’s not that the day “took it out of them” in the sense of being too taxing.

I think it’s people being used to their own space and quiet. It’s their choice if they want to miss out on the time with GC in my opinion.

I’d just acknowledge your mums comments and plan future years accordingly- shorter visits or spend time on Boxing Day together when it’s a bit less “full on”

how you can be considerate of her if she didn't talk to you about this beforehand,

Perhaps spend the day at yours and have your dinner with mum & then take the kids and do the night time part with the neighbours if your mum would be okay with that. Your mum could then have a few hours on her own to watch some tv and relax & she can always pop next door to see you or you can pop in to check on her.

I just wanted to say I think your day sounds lovely! Very similar to mine but with no neighbours and yes we always have a “show” which is my children’s and dad’s favourite part of any family gathering. My grandad finds it a bit much tbh but he still comes each year. Speak to mum but don’t feel the need to change your Christmas for your mum. Give her the options of joining in with as much as she wants and have space to go to her room. She’s told you how she feels which is great and now tell her she doesn’t have to join in anything she doesn’t want to and no one will take offence if she needs to take some time to herself. Problem solved with communication!

Kindly OP, have you had therapy to discuss your familial issues? You have unhappy memories of Christmas where the wants of the adults were prioritised over those of the children, and now to appease that same adult you are talking about doing the same thing. Let your children have the happy memories you couldn't have, don't banish them to their rooms simply for being children. It doesn't sound like they were in any way misbehaving, just being happy, excited children. Your mother has the option of not coming if she finds Christmas too overwhelming with children present, your children don't have the option of going somewhere they feel more welcome. I can't see that the kids have done anything wrong for their behaviour and presence to need to be corrected and your day sounds absolutely wonderful for them.

My DM was very like that when my DCS were little. When she came to visit she didn't like the noise or the fact that she felt obligated to play with them and often commented that she would prefer to visit me without them around. As a result she came very infrequently and never build a relationship with them. Now that they are young adults she laments the fact that they never call her or visit and treat her like a stranger!!! You reap what you sow! If I were you OP I would keep doing christmas exactly how you and your family like it - if she doesn't like it she doesn't need to come....or she can take to her room for a rest whenever it pleases her. It's not fair of her to make you feel like you haven't treated her well.

The usual solution if there is space is to have a busy main room and then a quieter area somewhere else with a jigsaw set up, isn't it? So whoever is feeling hot & stuffy, overwhelmed, peopled out etc can go and sit somewhere quiet (and usually a bit colder) and do that for a bit without any stigma or feeling as if they have had to leave the 'day'.
Is there anywhere in your house that you could do that next year?

It sounds a lovely Xmas Day. I am a decade older than your Mum and e joyed xmas with more people than at yours. If she is healthy I can only imagine that she didn't want the neighbours. But that is selfish. Also very thoughtless saying anything to you. I would never dream of being negative about a lovely day my daughter had hosted. You sound kind and caring. Just Carey on as you are .

OP this is ridiculous and I can’t quite believe you are serious. No games for DC on Xmas day? DC sent to their rooms instead of DM taking herself from some quiet time whenever she wants? Your DC had a lovely Christmas day, why is it now more important to you to accommodate DM instead of giving DC the best Xmas day you can? I realize this is the pattern you were taught in your own childhood (DC don’t matter and should be ignored) but you would be vv unreasonable to repeat that pattern. Your role as a parent is more important than your role as a daughter. Your poor DC.

Is caring about your mother putting your children second? Your DC sound like great kids. The talent show sounds fun!

You can't make everything about your DM. You have been more than generous with your time, care and attention. Your DC are very young and need you more than she does.

wait until you’re that age and then see how you feel.

I would hope that whatever age I’m lucky enough to get to, I wouldn’t be so rude as to criticise the hospitality of someone who has been kind enough to host me, cook for me and look after me.

I'm not the only 70 + on here who can manage to be up early late to bed do the hosting and love being with the GC. Still got 3 staying, three more arriving later. I know I feel great.

She missed so much. I had two eldest GC here yesterday, brought their girlfriend's to see us, played with their 3 year old cousin who loved it. Had GC around for over 20 years and hopefully GGC will be with us before too long. Christmas with little ones is perfect in my view.

OP you sound like a lovely mum, daughter and neighbour! You won’t be able to make it perfect for everyone but it seems like making your mum a little ‘den’ upstairs where she can go to for some peace and quiet is a good idea.

I’d make it clear next year that you’ve thought about what she said and have given her a space she can retreat to if needed. She’s very lucky that you have this space actually so I hope she appreciates it. I wouldn’t be in too much of a rush to dial back all the fun that your children enjoy - they are entitled to play with their toys and play games in their own home at Christmas and they sound like they are just normal kids enjoying themselves, not overly rowdy so let them play!

I think your mum is being a bit unreasonable to expect you to have a very quiet Christmas to suit her when you have two young children at home. If she wants Christmas with you, she has to expect excitement and some noise - it comes with the territory of having little ones and you come as a package obviously. I’m not really sure what else she expected! I’m hopefully going to be a grandma next Christmas (DC adopting) and I will be expecting it to be fairly loud and chaotic!! If I really objected to that (I don’t and I can’t wait!) I would have a quiet Christmas at home without making anyone else feel at all guilty about it.

I’m sure you’re tired after all the hosting so give yourself time and space to work it all out and then explain to your mum how Christmas will run and what you’ve put in place to give her a calm space if she needs it. You can’t do much more than that.

Does being that age mean your needs come first all the time in every environment? The DM here seems to prefer an adult only Christmas. OP can't get rid of her DC on Christmas day to appease her DM because of her age and how she feels.

Sorry OP but I disagree. She gave you rotten Christmasses as a child and now she wants to do the same for your children. She’s always made it about her so it’s not just about her getting older. I don’t even think your day sounds that full-on.

She can go upstairs and watch TV if she wants to but she can’t continue to impose ‘her Christmas’ onto you like she did when you were a child. That’s ruining it for your own children who don’t have any choice. She had a choice when she was your mother and she has a choice now by spending some time in her room chilling. What she can’t do is ruin it for the rest of you: children, you, your DH and the neighbours.

I have several older friends that age and they would never dictate arrangements in their adult children's’ house. They also actually like their own GC. It’s not an age thing it’s a her thing.