Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

But your mum doesn't sound like a very nice person. She had the drunken alcohol-fuelled Christmases that she wanted where the adults were prioritised and children weren't and she now expects you to do the same.

Hopefully, your DH will put his foot down and refuse to prioritise his spoilt and ungrateful MIL over his own children.

Don’t put your mum before your kids. She probably needs something to complain about and that’s ok. Instead of trying to change everything to please her, just accept that is how she is and you should be proud of making a wonderful Christmas Day.
As she gets older she’ll get more unsettled out of routines but that doesn’t mean you make everything about her.

You're not making sense.

Everyone loves a bit of tv on Xmas day. Even if semi watching /snoozing

she does sound a bit ott. You have kindly hosted her - you have kids. Her grandkids and could be a bit more gracious about them

equally it is tiring making chat all day esp if no tv so getting kids/ or her to go upstairs /in other room for quiet time /tv could help

I wonder if she feels a bit guilty seeing you manage the day so equably for everyone rather than it dissolving into what she was used to historically which was adult-centred booze fuelled chaos and upset which is particularly horrible for kids? That needs to be pointed out to her as part of the discussion for next year's plans. I would also see if she's had a hearing check to rule out hearing loss which can be very uncomfortable.

I think your idea to make her bedroom area a bit more comfy for her is the way to go so she can go upstairs for a rest when the kids become too much for her, but I absolutely would not temper your day in any way: your kids are very young still and they're behaving very well. It's not as if they're feral little shits running round screaming, tantrumming and pelting everyone with Quality Streets. My elderly relatives (in their late 80s) would be there for a good part of the day but make their excuses and absent themselves when they've reached their limit. No one minds and everyone, especially the children, still has a lovely day. Remember, your mum has had 75 Christmases, your little ones just 3 and 7 :)

If it’s too much for her I’d suggest maybe she visits on a different day. Thr answer is for her to make changes not you.

I actually think the proposed adpatations to the upper floor will be enough!

And then just make sure there is ample time for adult conversation without DCs being the centre of attention (not saying they were, but a bit of time without irritating noise from toys, shrieking etc), but still also time for the DC to show your their ballet and singing, and interact with the adults etc....

I remember being told to go and play in my room with all my new stuff for a bit because the kitchen and living room was busy (probably the adults wanted to hear each other for a bit without my noisy toys/playing. Which might have been white noise to my mum but was not to others)

OP I am an only child to a widowed mum so I totally understand the urge to prioritise her and the pressure to be her support system because there is no-one else to pic up the slack. I’m incredibly close to my DM. But I wouldn’t let my children suffer or lose out on the magic of Christmas because she found it “too much”. My DM decided not to spend Christmas with us this year and is coming down in the new year, I suspect it is because she find it too much but I have respected her choice and she would never put it on me to remove the magic and excitement for my young children just so she could have the kind of Christmas a 70 year old woman wants! As it is, she’s had a nice Christmas seeing some other (adult) family and is excited to come and see the grandkids now that the hyper excitement has passed. I would really really advise you to consider this as a more reasonable option that stripping away your little kids Christmas excitement in favour of a low energy Christmas tailored only to grandma.

I agree 100% with this.

Please don't change what makes you and your dc happy based on what the 'automatically find fault with everything the op says' brigade on Mumsnet say! For most people Christmas is about the kids and sending them to their rooms or banning games (!) based on one person rudely having a moan on boxing day or a few people selfishly saying they wouldn't want to listen to a small child sing one song / do one dance in their own home is madness.

As long as you make sure your mum knows you mean it and there will be no offense taken when you say she can escape to her room / a different room for a bit of quiet whenever, or doesn't have to join in any games of she doesn't want, then surely that takes her needs into account. You certainly don't need to redecorate her area either, unless you were going to do it anyway for other reasons! Maybe a fire stick or similar so she can watch catch up TV, but she certainly doesn't need new carpet and a fridge! What an expense! She can take food / drink up with her surely. I guess you could also ask if there was anything in particular she wanted to do with you at Christmas she didn't get a chance too and see how that could be incorporated. But please don't stop all the fun stuff for your DC. They are only little a short time and before you know it they'll be teenagers and want time in their rooms too!

Oh OP, you sound like a wonderful woman. Very thoughtful and caring.

Your Christmas Day sounds lovely, your talent show reminds me of our family Christmas. I don’t think you should change your Christmas next year too much. Maybe a walk after dinner? Or TV/film time? Or maybe invite neighbours for lunch and a couple of hours but not for several hours? Lots of possibilities. And a great idea of a retreat for your mum.

I'm older than your mum OP. Yes to the firestick, that's enough.

She's perfectly capable of taking herself off for a break and staying up there if she wants. Lots of visitors don't get anything like that luxury.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful daughter, don't let her take advantage and don't change your kid's christmas next year. x

This. Your day sounds lovely. Let her choose what she wants to participate in next time but dont go.changing it..it is you and your children's xmas day. If they other adults weren't there she may well have found herself having to entertain kids and participate even more.

Your mum had space to escape to so I would Sofia on that for next year.

explain you have to ensure your children get a fun Christmas and they have to be the priority. However she should think of it as something she can dip in and out of. Tell her to bring a good book, get a coffee station with Christmas cake set up in her room. She can retreat whenever she wants for as long as she wants. Tell the kids her room is off limits.

but don’t take the joy out of Christmas to suit your mother.

Totally agree. I’m actually flabbergasted that Op is considering making her DCs Christmas more shit to suit her mum (who sounds very selfish). They are only little for such a short time & seems such a sin to not focus on them whilst they still believe in the magic of it all.

Can’t your mum go and watch telly/fall asleep after lunch in the other room next time?

I would take that to mean she’d rather have a quiet one at home next time. Perhaps you can see her on Christmas Eve next time with a nice food hamper with wine and cheese.

I thought this is the reply you’d be getting from everyone as it’s the most obvious answer to me.

People saying it was indeed full on, why not have down time in front of tv - it is one afternoon and it’s a celebration.
Your Christmas sounds absolutely idyllic to me. Keep your lovely friends as part of it.

If you deliberately make your own kids' Christmas shit to appease your miserable DM then you are a shit mother, sorry.

This is so sad! OP your children are growing up & soon memories of them when young at Xmas will be precious. It would be absolutely terrible to dampen their Christmas to pander to an elderly lady who frankly sounds selfish & negative & rather entitled. I honestly think in later years you will regret it deeply if you do. I mean, nothing you describe sounds OTT!

I really would not change a thing. It sounds lovely. Your mother can always choose to stay at home.

My impression from what you’ve written is rather that she wants to be the centre of attention, to create emotional drama of the sort that spoilt your childhood Christmases, & that this is her way of achieving it. Might it be worth thinking about your childhood experience and reviewing who really was responsible for the high emotions, & what triggered them?

Do you think what’s really going on is that at some level she wanted her emotions to be the ‘talent show’? Have you a pattern of mothering her, managing her emotions? Does planning your Christmas revolve round her experience in a way that suggests you find her negative emotions can be frightening, & that your actions are being driven by this to an unhelpful extent?

Is there anyway your DM can move closer to you? Or does she have a good circle of friends where she lives? What will you do when she finds the travel too much?

I think having a floor to herself in your house is sufficient without changing what your DC do, as they don’t seem to be screaming, running round the house type of children. So as long as she knows she can go to her haven if things are getting too much for her. Different people have different tolerances as they age.

She doesn’t sound particularly maternal OP. Just make sure she can escape next year, a smart TV is a great idea. Please don’t dilute your children, they sound wonderful and your Christmas sounds perfect for you and them.

This, she’s probably still going by the premise of “children’s needs/wants are secondary to adults” so is expecting you to prioritise her, thing as she may have done for her parents, thing is as you can tell by many threads on here, people are now doing the “hang on, you never prioritised me as a child, why should I now do so for you over MY needs or my child’!!”

I would not be doing this, at all. She is 1 person out of many, with her own space to retreat to. It sounds rather like you have been conditioned to please her, to your own detriment. Do not let it be to your family's detriment as well.

I do not think mother is in the wrong. This is just a group of people at different stages in life and meeting the needs of everyone is bound to be difficult, especially at a time of year when there is so much pressure to do things right.
She admitted she found it hard so next time she needs to have the clear message that this has been understood but that childhood Christmases are few and precious so their fun has to continue, but that everyone understands that she might need some downtime.
If she says she is not happy to do that then that might be the time to have a grumble!