Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I think it is a sign that your mum is ageing and should look after herself better. She just sat around for a few hours and that, and a bit of noise made by her grandkids made her tired. Does she do any exercises? Walking or cardio? How is her vitamin D level? When did she have last health check up. You didn't mention her health so I assume she isn't on any medications.
I wouldn't scale down your Christmas plans just yet.

Completely uncalled for. Are you always this nasty?

I think your day sounds lovely.

No offence to your mum, but it’s not about her, it’s primarily about the children, her grandchildren!

She didn’t have to do anything and could have slopped off for some peace and rest if she wanted to.

Ok, you are tired now. The good thing is, that you don't need to make any decisions now.

Give yourself some space. Enjoy the memories you've made this year.

Later, you can talk to your mum and ask - what she liked and what would help here cope with the reality of home with children.
Than decide what is realistic.
You can spend some (some, not all) 121 time with her without destroying your wonderful Christmas day.

There is no way to please everyone. Especially not us, the internet crowd.

Grandma doesn't take priority on Christmas Day

The children do

If she finds it too much, maybe she can visit between Xmas and NY??

So it sounds like about six hours of full-on socialising, where she couldn't really have a snooze and a break like she could have done if the friends weren't there? I can see how that would be too much. She should have just excused herself for a lie-down for an hour. At 75 I'm sure everyone would have understood.

It’s really very clear how much you care about her - you’ve already said how much comfier you’ll make the office so she has a little sitting room, that you’ll get a smart TV for her and all that. I get that balancing everyone needs is hard but you have young children and they should be able to enjoy themselves. Your mum is an adult and if she’s getting overwhelmed she can excuse herself and go upstairs. Invite your friends and let your kids put on their little talent show.

think about it again in a couple of weeks when she’s gone home and you’re not in the thick of it all. You’re doing enough for her, in my book

I don’t know what the big deal is. Make it clear your mum is free to say at any point ‘ oh this is fun but I think I’ll have a lie down for an hour.’ Or, when she looks a bit strained say to her ‘Mum, do you want to go and have a rest for an hour?’

Yes, Catsbreakfast is probably always this nasty.

Your Christmases will naturally calm down a little over the next few years IME - my youngest is now 7 and whilst she's a total livewire and very full on (ASD and probably ADHD too) she still had periods where she wanted to sit and work on her new Lego or colouring. Within a few years your youngest will hit that age too and there will probably be naturally lulls.

I wouldn't be scaling back the fun or sending the kids to their room. I'm like you - memories of boozy Christmases, arguments, burnt turkey, and in my case adults sitting around in a fog of cigarette smoke. I want better for my kids, and that is my priority for xmas.

My MIL is ages with your mum and definitely finds it more tiring now, but she took herself off home around 3.30. If she was staying here she would have gone to a quieter room or her bedroom - but she's very much a Christmas is about the kids type.

OP's mum knows these friends well and enjoys their company. It's her own grandchildren that she seems to dislike/resent. Her options were:

• decline the invitation to stay with OP and her family as she doesn't enjoy the company of her grandchildren
• offer to help with Christmas Dinner preparation
• go upstairs for a rest
• chat with the neighbours and play with her grandchildren
• chat with the neighbours and ignore her grandchildren

She chose the last option and is making it clear that she resents the presence of her own grandchildren in their own home.

You can acknowledge your mum’s feelings but you don’t have to agree, OP. I would tell her that you hear her point of view and appreciate the stress she may feel however you have two children - her grandchildren - and if she would prefer an adults-only Christmas then she needs to make her own arrangements.

I wouldn’t ask my DC to tone it down because adults would prefer them to disappear into another room. Sounds like your mum has a great set-up where she can escape and watch tv herself and have a lie-down in the afternoon if it gets too much.

Thankfully Christmas is over for another year so plenty of time to come up with another solution.

So in what way could OP have been more understanding? She has given her mum a whole floor to herself with her own bedroom, bathroom and TV. OP's mum didn't come downstairs until midday so was relaxing all morning.

There are two large sitting rooms so OP's mum could have gone and sat in a different room from her granchildren if their playing with their toys annoyed her.

She knows the neighbours well and enjoys their company. She also said that she enjoyed singing in the talent show.

While OP and her DH were preparing the Christmas dinner, OP's mum was left with the children and the neighbours but she didn't do any playing with the children.

She could also have gone upstairs to her bedroom for a rest.

How could OP have been more understanding and accommodating to her mum's needs? Would you expect the children to be banished upstairs, out of the way?

OP's mum sounds like she was a pretty shit parent when OP was a child and seems very much of the mindset that children should be seen and not heard.

Don’t do this. Otherwise when your kids are adults they will remember it as their Christmases being subdued. If your kids need to go to the park on Xmas day, that’s one thing, (need - for you or them), but not no way to pacify a guest!

Making her own space upstairs even more comfortable sounds about right, She can come and go as she pleases then.

But don’t change things for your mum to the detriment of your kids. Not whilst they are little.

I'm not sure whether you are joking, but you seem to be planning to organise Christmas Day around your mother rather than your own children and you are planning to get rid of anything that your children finds fun but your mum dislikes?

I'm not sure why you would even contemplate doing that. Will your DH agree to centre your mum in all your decisions and put her needs and wants above those of your children?

Thank you for being kind 💕

I can't wait for the posts from your adult children in 20 years time asking whether they should invite you for Christmas because, although you used to give them lovely Christmas Days, they suddenly stopped and Christmas Day revolved around what their miserable grandmother wanted so they were banished upstairs and not allowed to have any fun in case it upset their grandmother.

Your children should be your priority, not your mother. Will your DH agree to change Christmas to prioritise your mum?

My parents are that age and have slowed down a lot in the past year or so. They would definitely have found the day you describe too much. They came to us for christmas day and after lunch we put a film on as we knew they wouldn’t be up for games.

I think your Christmas sounds lovely and you’re very considerate hosts!
However there was one thing I noticed about my own Christmas, and maybe it applies to your mum too. My eldest daughter joined us for it - she moved out last year - and although we had a lovely day, her social battery ran incredibly flat! Sometimes just the very act of being around other people can be exhausting, especially when you are no longer used to it.

OP I think you have been very generous and accommodating, far more so than your mother deserves.

Please put yourself and your children first next year. Your mother can’t derail someone else’s Christmas.

I think it’s easy to focus on the negative. And also my mum is telling me it’s not working for her so I do have to take that into account

Don't do that,your kids are small for such a short time.
Your mum had the option to go upstairs for a bit,why didn't she.
She sounds a bit of a martyr.
I think next year I'd get your mum upstairs for a nap,let your kids be kids.

Perhaps her telling you it isn’t working for her means it’s time for her to stop visiting?. Would she prefer you visit her just before or after instead?

Honestly I wouldn’t change anything. Particularly the children aspect as it sounds very normal and lovely. You Mum is your Mum but she is also a guest in your house and if she wants to come to Christmas at yours she should adapt to Christmas at yours. She has a whole floor to herself to retreat too if she needs a break. Christmas is slightly different every Christmas with children as they get older. And apart from the religious aspect (for us anyway) the focus should be on the children and their joy and time spent together.

I actually don’t think you do. I understand she’s your mum and you love her and want her to be looked after but from an objective perspective her behaviour is extremely self centred.

Neither of my parents (now both deceased) would have dreamt of telling me they didn’t want to have to tolerate my children. And my parents were pretty selfish people.

I can see how you are conflicted because you have been raised in this environment and you sound like a bit of a people pleaser. But you are a much better mother than your mother is to you. You are showing her up and making her feel bad and she is acting out.

But no reasonable person would expect anyone to hush two primary age children up to appease a grumpy old woman when that woman is there by choice. She needs to make the adjustments, not you.