Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

In this situation you can’t appease everyone, unfortunately. You need to prioritise your own children, because as a parent that’s the right thing to do. Your mum can either fall in with your way of doing things or stay at home/in her room.

Is this type of comment unusual for your Mum? Perhaps it warrants a health check; or it could be just normal ageing and she’s noticed it all of a sudden, which probably happens when you are around young people.

I love that you want to care for your Mum and your children. Christmas isn’t just about the children, it’s for everyone

I don’t enjoy children at Christmas really. Or any time of year. I don’t get entertained by kids dancing or being silly, or doing talent shows or showing off. Some people love it but it’s just overwhelming and annoying for me. I prefer adult-only things.
Perhaps your mum is just a bit overwhelmed by the kids. Kids do tend to take over at Christmas and everything becomes about them.

Would you spend Christmas with kids then?

Your Christmas sounds low key and lovely. 5 adults and 2 well behaved children (in their own home) is not too much.
The accommodations you’ve suggested are very thoughtful and more than enough. Personally feel it’s rather unkind and selfish of your mother to have said all that the day after you’ve just hosted her.

Think I’ll also strip it right back next year. Tell the kids No games, talent show and the like. No other guests (although she likes them they are enthusiastic participants in games). TV on after lunch to encourage snoozing on the sofa. Send the kids to their rooms for part of the day

What a bizarre 'solution' from all of the advice you've had! I would feel extremely sorry for your children if you decide to do this.

Your children will remember these choices you make. No games and sending them to their room for part of Christmas Day just to keep grandma happy, that's awful, ffs?!

Of course kids get excited for Christmas and everything should be about thr children.
Why would you go somewhere knowing there's children and then moan about children being there.

@MyQuirkyFinch I think even if tou sid scale back your dm would just find something else to moan bout.

Or dm can sit at home with a microwave Xmas lunch and reflect how she is the Grinch that ruined Christmas

Yes but for the umpteenth time no one is forcing the mum to spend Christmas with small children. Its absolutely fine to feel that way. Not fine to expect a family of small children to fall in with this austere behaviour.

Her daughter has small kids. She needs to either make peace with it or spend Christmas somewhere else.

Well she’s not a very caring dm/dgm? If she’s actually sulked/made an issue about you having to give your dc attention is she?

Absolutely this

My mum was quite needy at 75 ish. I did everything I could to accommodate her needs whilst living a long way away.

20 odd years later, she's still expecting everything to revolve around her needs and I'm tired beyond recognition.

Your mum isn't that old and she is responsible for her own needs. Definitely don't let your kids suffer because she's a bit uppity as she's not the centre of attention.

You will always have to choose where to direct your attention but you do not need to parent your DM, you do need to parent your own children.

Totally agree.

Hooefully the OP’s DH will make it clear to her that if she wants Christmas Day to revolve around her mother, then she is free to go and spend it at her mother’s house, but that the children will be having their usual Christmas, at home with him.

OP unfortunately you can’t make everyone happy all of the time.
Your mum is an adult and she can decide what she wants to do with her day. You have provided her with options.
Your children are reliant on you. Enjoy those precious years.

Hopefully she'll continue being old for another 20 years plus. My MIL parents were old in their 40 - dress attitude demaning allowances - and died in their late 90s.

If you can manage to keep kids and older parent both happy then by all mean try but what do you do if she still not happy next year - kids rapidly grow up and christmas being magical isn't a long period to enjoy.

I think the plans to make TV a smart one and make a sitting room sound lovely - and it is probably worth a conversation about what upset her this year but I do think there comes a point where accomodations can't be made without upsetting others and at that point your Mum is the adult and had more agency than your kids.

I think she is rude. Tell her not to come next year if it’s too much for her

Do you think she was remembering your childhood Christmas and she felt a little guilty? That may have triggered her

Do you really want your children's’ memory of christmas to be of constantly being told to sit down and be quiet or having to sit in their room on their own?

Remind her that she has a space to go to if she needs a rest but don’t take her moaning out on your children

A couple of hours at a time is fine, but I’d struggle with all day.
Maybe OP’s mum should have just come along later on for a few hours.

I honestly think you should get some therapy @MyQuirkyFinch

Reading your posts is just so sad. Your mum has clearly done a number on you and I think a good therapist would help you to see that.

Her Mum is too far away so stops a few days - but has a whole floor to retreat to and didn't come down till 12 then went up fairly early.

Op now talking about taking kids out of their house or sending them up to their rooms for hours to accomodate her Mum visiting.

If she has all that space to herself just tell her next year she's welcome to go and spend some time resting or reading or whatever whenever she wants a break. Don't spoil Christmas for your children, why on earth would you do that?

I think your day sounds lovely. I don’t think you need to change your Christmas because of your mum’s feelings - you can want to keep it fun for the kids. I would suggest that if she finds it too much that she just comes for part of the day and goes home or she goes off to a bedroom for a nap after lunch.

Some people (my own parents among them) would have struggled with that, at your mother's age. Others would have thrived on it. Theres no "right" or "wrong" with that. To make "your" Christmas work alongside what your mother craves will take compromise. Talk to her, over the coming months. Maybe, she'd like to join you for breakfast, open some gifts with the children, friends come for lunch, you and your friends take kids out for a walk, while she has a doze/ rest/ watches the King's speech, and then back back for a game before tea/ supper, when she can retire early, if she chooses to. Maybe something else would work better for her. IMHO opinion, Christmas is primarily about the children, but I'd give the world to spend just one more Christmas with my own mum. This time last year, I had no idea that it was the last chance I'd get.

I thought you were taking the piss.

DO NOT change your Christmas. It sounds very normal and very fun and nice for your children. What won’t be nice for them is being seen and not heard because Granny is here.

Your Mum is welcome to not come, go upstairs for a bit if she needs a rest or stop being so bloody rude, get on with for a few days and thank you graciously instead of lodging her complaints immediately. Good grief.

(You sound lovely and thoughtful and considerate btw; don’t let your mum - or your worries about your mum - take advantage of that. She’s a grown adult and can sort herself out.)