Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Why would you do that? Are you trolling your own thread or trying to win the ultimate people pleaser award?

Half of the posters haven't read your updates and their "advice" was pure projection - what they like and doesn't like in their own context.

You have a great setup and you shouldn't break it to please the crowd on the internet.

Sure, talk with your mum later during the year, ask her what she liked and if there is something specific which would help her - and than consider it.

You want to have a chance for some 121 time - send the children with your DH for a walk for an hour. No need to cancel the mini talent show everyone in your family enjoyed (including your DM). Or make sure she knows what is the best time to have some rest during the day - and she can stay up a litter longer after the children fall asleep.
It sounds that the neighbours are decreasing the pressure on her when it comes to the children, as they can entertain them and she doesn't have to step up while you and your DH are preparing stuff.

If your DM finds the children a bit too much, help her get a respite. Don't punish your children for that.

I missed that update but have seen it now, however my post was about more than the friends. I actually said how lucky she is. I have just spent Christmas with my grandchild am very grateful for that. I made no suggestion that children should be seen and not heard

Adding in a walk is often a good idea for anyone who wants to go but other than that I’d prioritise the DC
and you and your DH having a lovely day.

My MIL has low tolerance to her grandchildren. She lives far away and we visit maybe once a year, she tries to get them in front of screen ASAP so that she doesn't have to interact with them too much. Same age as your mum OP.
I think your Christmas sounds lovely, definitely NOT over the top - don't scale it back, make magical memories for your babies - thats what Christmas is about

Some of these posts have made me realize the extent to which families have different internal cultures especially around celebratory events. And in my family, for whatever reason, there was never pressure for everyone to participate in every aspect of the day. OP's mother may feel this kind of pressure, even if OP does not exert it. Hopefully, as so many posters have suggested, a compromise can be worked out so that she can take breaks as needed while the OP and her children and husband can have the Christmas that they enjoy.

I can’t believe you’re intending to make your children’s Xmas day a lot less enjoyable because of your Mother. It’s crazy.
Even if she was 90 years old I still wouldn’t change a thing.
Xmas day is the best day of the year for kids. They should be having games and little shows and whatever else they want to do not be sent to their rooms and not allowed to play games.
She’s being selfish and making it all about her when it should be about your family and what they want really.
She’s had her Christmases with her own kids which sounds like it wasn’t really nice for the little ones and all about the adults.
Now it’s your turn to choose how the day goes.
Dont let her guilt trip you into spoiling the children’s Xmas.

Agree with most, OP, don't change your day and deprive your children. If Grans got somewhere for time out that should be sufficient.

75 is too young to be clapped out by the day you described. My DM is fifteen years older than yours and only dropped out of Christmas a couple of years ago.

Does your mum have any health conditions you're not aware of?

I guess she could say that, but I think Granny is being entitled to be honest, and OP has gone above and beyond already. What does she expect from a family Christmas with young children?

Are you joking? You’re depriving your kids of a fun Christmas Day because your entitled mum doesn’t want to go upstairs when the noise has got too much?

I thought OP was having a little joke, but obviously not as people are taking it seriously and she isn't correcting them 🤔

What a waste of time for the 82% of us who supported you and said YANBU

The OP has lost me at this point! The majority of the people on here agree that the mother is in the wrong, yet now OP is going to deprive her children of a joyous Christmas next year to please her mother? I can't even...

That sounds lovely. I can't imagine anyone NOT enjoying watching a 3 year old do a dance.

I bet it is this, and that’s why you’re feeling upset.

We have been with my DPs for the last two days and have an 8yo and a 5yo. Parents are in their early 70s, still fit and healthy but get tired and overstimulated more easily. It’s been fine but it’s good for all of us that we’re going home tomorrow. They just can’t cope with how much energy the kids have especially the 5yo, and how much noise they make.

You're going to ban games on Christmas day? You can't be serious! What kind of memories do you think you will give your children if they aren't allowed to play/sing/have fun and are sent to their rooms?

So many people on this thread have said my day sounds too much/a bit cringe/my kids must be annoying/a 75 yr old wouldn’t cope. It’s hard not to take that on board. My mum is mum when all said and done! I haven’t reflected that I haven’t spent enough 121 time with her these few days, that is a valid point.

Well this is a sad end to the thread.

Seriously OP you need to take a step back and have a good think about your mum’s behaviour here. Your mum is basically saying she doesn’t enjoy Christmas with her grandchildren despite all the allowances you have made (her own floor of the house, second living room for rest, coming down at noon etc.) and you are taking that to heart? From the parent who spent your childhood Christmases getting drunk and rowing? This has nothing to do with her age and everything to do with her expectations, because I’m sure she could have taken herself off for a nap at any point. Do not give your children or yourself worse Christmases to appease your mum.

You are prioritising the wants of a 75 year old adult over those of 2 children? I will never understand behaviour like this.

Christmas Day isn’t the day to completely prioritise what she wants though. Giving her a space upstairs, making it more comfy and giving her permission to disappear off when she needs to is enough. Spend time with her 1 on 1 on one of the other days

I dunno, it’s easier said than done tbh. I’ve had such a busy run in to Christmas with work and DH working away and sorting everything to host. I’m so knackered by this point I just want to appease everyone. I hate feeling so torn between my kids and my mum. She’s old and alone and I think I’d like someone to care about me if I was in her shoes

Oh god, please don’t change your lovely Christmas because of the views of a few grumps on Mumsnet. You are doing more than enough to make the day manageable for your mum.

I hate feeling so torn between my kids and my mum.

No one should be making you feel torn between them and your children, let alone your own mother.

Your kids come first. Always.

Your mum is unreasonable- it sounds like you’ve been very considerate towards her. If it’s too much for her then she should make alternative arrangements. Getting older doesn’t mean you can dictate! Xmas should really be about the kids anyway.

Why not take on board the many more posters who think you are already doing enough to address your mother's Christmas needs and that your Christmas celebrations and your children's activities are quite reasonable and even charming.