Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I agree and I'm not far off her age. Your children should be your first priority and she sounds incredibly rude.

@GarlicRound

For fuck's sake! Disabled people are worried that legal euthanasia will lead to coercion by those who judge some lives not worth living. And here you are, telling me and thousands like me that we are 'barely alive'.

Calm down; we aren’t talking about a disabled person! It’s been very clear throughout that she is healthy and has no health problems or conditions.

I’m sorry but I stand by what I said. Anyone who is in reasonable health who can’t sit in front of a TV set, eat food and go for an occasional nap without complaining how tired they are is either depressed or is just a miserable person.

If you go through life in a state of complete passivity, refuse to engage with others and regard interacting with your own grandchildren as “tiring” you don’t deserve to be welcomed in by family.

I’m not sure why you’re being so accommodating to your mother –. It sounds like you had a lovely Christmas, if she didn’t like every second of it – so what? Such is life. By 75 you would’ve thought you’d have learnt that lesson. Do not tell your children next year they can’t do a talent show or whatever… Let them play games, do a show and just direct your mother to her room that you so kindly provide if she doesn’t like it.

As an even older oldie it would have been to much for me. It does sound lovely tho.
I don't think she was being rude or complaining,

It way well be her hearing is failing. If so from a hearing aids wearer I can assure you sounds are exaggerated plus harder to follow speech if its several people speaking at once. .

Don't go thinking what you may or may not do as far as next Christmas. Xx

don’t change what you do!! Your priority should be your kids Christmas. A little talent show and charades
sounds like a lovely
Tradition that they will remember. Being sent to their rooms so that granny can watch tv in peace - not
so much fun!

Are you joking?! Strip back all the fun parts for the kids rather than just ask your mum what she wants?

Listen she's either a guest in your home and therefore does nothing but attend, and should fit in with your itinerary - or she's part of the family and can nod off in front of the telly or undo her pants after dinner.

It could be as simple as getting up to open presents with the children was too much as she prefers a late morning and relaxing till the friends came over threw off her inner mojo.

BUT JUST ASK HER.

Are you nuts?? You’re going to ruin it for your kids?! They’ll be bored to tears if you strip it right back. I don’t think your day is too full at all, it sounds perfect and I had a very similar set up to you this year with kids the same age and my mum with us also the same age. We all had a blast.

The games and talent show sound lovely and the kids will have such wonderful memories of that. Telling them they can’t do anything fun but have to sit and watch grown up tv sounds hideously boring for them. I expect that they will play up far more if you do that. Don’t ruin it for them!

We all have needs what's so wrong with identifying them? My dad's partially deaf, my mum struggles with back pain after fracturing it in two places in 2023 and one of my sister's is recovering from a heart attack. My mum needs to be useful, she absolutely hates sitting down whilst others are doing something. So we find her things that can be done sat down. My dad needs to feel part of the conversation but struggles with background noise so we don't have festive music on. My sister finds that she can need to rest more so she went home early.

Although I've been brought up in a family where cooking the meal isn't all down to one person. Growing up we had 4 generations for Sunday lunch most weeks. Cooking at home is shared with me and my partner the same as my parents and in-laws have always done. I was also brought up to make people feel welcome in my home. My parents house is one where most people feel welcome to walk and sit down within 5 minutes they have a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. If someone said this is a bit much do you mind I sit somewhere quiet for half an hour they won't be offended.

We regularly have 3 generations in our house as my in-laws live 4-5h away and they like to spend time with us and our kids as well as enjoying the part of country we live in and we can absolutely manage everyone's needs and yes I would encourage her to meet her needs too. My mil needs to be doing things and doesn't like sitting still so we plan in walks which the rest of like too. My partner and I don't get much time to ourselves so my in-laws will find do activities with the children so we can have half an hour to ourselves. My fil will sit to one side with a car magazine when he wants 15 minutes to himself.

I would be quite sad if over the course of a day a guest couldn't find half an hour or so to meet their needs. It doesn't have to be something big just an opportunity to sit and breathe in away that is beneficial to the person

It's wild that on this thread, a day with the tv off, interacting with the children is considered "forced fun" but a mother worrying about her child watching 2 hours of tv a day is told she's definitely not doing enough with him.

And what’s the lesson we learn from this? Mothers can do nothing right!

I really wouldn't advise this. Your children are still at the age when Christmas is very special, almost magical, and it's unfair on them to strip this back when they will all too soon be old enough not to want this kind of day. Your mother has had her turn at parenting and doing Christmas Day as she chose. It's your turn now - yours and your DH and young children. If you provide her with the equivalent of a flatlet of her own and make it clear she is welcome to join in as much or as little as she chooses, I think that would be more than reasonable.

@Chasbots

HOW have you come to the conclusion of envy??

I am 76 and I have had a lovely time with my daughter and her family. I would hate to be the sort of person who had to be constantly considered because of my’advancing’ years. I have to leave tomorrow for the 200 mile drive home. I’m not dreading driving but I am dreading leaving here.

I wouldn't change what you do but I'd change the communication and have a space set up that can be a bit of quieter if she needs to step away from the festivities without fully going to her room. Or offer the choice of joining in or taking a break.

For example you could say after the meal we are going to play some games with the kids and then do a talent contest. If you are welcome to take a drink and a book to X room or put the TV on for a bit and we can let you know when we are going to start the talent contest.

Your mum had her own Christmas as a child, she also had her (eastenders style) drunken Christmas’s when you were a child. Christmas is now for you and your family, don’t let your mum spoil your children’s Christmas’s from now on. Don’t make a quiet Christmas for her sake. Maybe invite her for a couple of days from Boxing Day instead.

I sometimes wonder whether older people talk themselves into ageing. DH and I hosted 18 for Christmas lunch, including 6 busy young children. We, (or rather DH is the chef) did all the cooking and hosting ourselves, rising at 5 am to get a good start. The veg had been prepped the day before, the trifle assembled, the luxury bread and butter pudding and egg custard put together. The last touches to the garden and barbequeue area finished off. Lamb, pork and chicken put on to roast slowly at 10 a.m., vast quantities of kumara and potatoes, (homegrown) and pumpkin prepared and peeled, salads- avocados, cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, (most homegrown) grapes and apricots, feta and haloumi made. Games organised for the kids, many from overseas). The next day, we hosted another lunch for 7, folks unable to come on the day. That also involved a 5 am start to finish the massive kitchen cleanup from the previous day, launder the vast quantity of teatowels, table cloths etc. Today is a restday, before expecting another wave of visitors, including 5 children, who are staying a week. In the meantime, with this humid tropical weather, the garden needs daily attention, the acre of lawn mowing every week, the fruit trees require spraying.

We've not long returned from a two-month round the world trip and are going again in April.. DH's near-fatal episode of 2 years ago was a wake-up. Carpe diem.

Oh, and we both have health issues - though my pacemaker has transformed my life. DH requires a pharmacopia, but still thoroughly loves our life. Positivity is the key.

Our ages? Mid-late 70s.

I could be your mum. Just spent a similar Christmas Day. I didn't have to do anything other than be there, just eat, chat with family, no young children , play some board games and have a nice time, which I did but it was exhausting. I've been too tired today to do anything other than recover. Everyone ages differently. Even if not actually unwell. Increasingly, I'm failing in many areas I keep concealed from family because I mostly just want to be left alone. If I could have missed Christmas day out, I would have done. Everything takes me an unconscionable amount of time to achieve. Getting up, bathing, dressing, hair: 2 hours for what once was 20-25 minutes. And all else similarly.It's very frustrating and makes me bad tempered. It's humiliating and embarassing to have to admit failings to family especially if they're the kiind of people who think you should be making more effort and taking it as rejection. It's difficult. Give your mum a break.

@MyQuirkyFinch

Your Christmas sounds magical and I hope you do not change anything and your children grow up with lovely memories.

Your mother sounds rude and ungrateful and it is kind of you to even consider having her to stay again. Maybe firmly say that your children loved their Christmas and have asked to do similar next year. She is welcome to join you and can rest in her room and you’ll get her a Smart TV to watch - but if it is still too much for her, you will understand if she wants to come for a few quieter days another time.

But also assuming that "snoozing in front of the TV" must be included in everyone's Christmas Day plans (without any knowledge of mother and her health, feelings etc) is also weird.

And yet my own DM (in her 60s) messaged me earlier to say how much she'd enjoyed watching my DD (nearly 3YO) singing and dancing and specifically, "it makes Christmas".

So not all DGPs are misery guts. My own DGP in her 80s enjoyed it too!

Your Christmas sounds lovely and you sound as though you are very considerate. I think the only thing you should consider changing is explaining to her that you really don’t mind if she needs a break and make it clear that she can take herself away whenever she feels like it.
My mother is older than yours and is hosting my huge family of over 20 people from toddlers upwards. Spending the day there, it is interesting to see various people taking time out in different ways.
My childhood Christmases were very like yours were with too much alcohol, tears and drama. I think it’s great that you are creating a better experience for your children. If they loved the talent show and games keep doing them.

Yes. I’ve never ‘snoozed’ on Christmas Day! I never nap in the day time, I’m not suddenly going to change that on Christmas Day.

I’ve read all your posts and think your mum sounds like a spoilt brat.

As a guest she has been waited on all day with a lovely private room to relax in.

what a misery guts complaining it was too much.

@MyQuirkyFinchive read through your posts and I’m really sad that you’ve changed what sounded like a fun Christmas for your kids, for your mum. You’re going to create a little flat for her for Christmas?? And then make Christmas quite boring - what about your kids? I think maybe change a couple of things - but not games and sending kids to their room sounds really sad!!

I think offering mum some more breaks upstairs is a good idea - but essentially if she doesn’t like it then she needs to suck it up. Your family is changing and that’s really normal.

please have a proper think. What does your husband think about it?

I used to love doing ballet /gymnastic shoes for my aunts and uncles.