Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Tough. If you accept someone's hospitality, you fall in with their plans.

Blimey! She didn't come down til 12, she has a whole floor to herself that she could retreat to for a nap - it's not as if you were boom boxing and raving all day! I think she's being a bit selfish.

Nooooo, don’t. It’s time to make christmases for your DC not your mum. Please don’t dampen their sparkle for her. Just give an opt out.

The noise and general hubbub can be very tiring as you age, even if you’re watching what’s going on but not taking part.

it sounds amazing that yiu have all this neighbour/friend support and you’re very lucky, but perhaps your mother would have preferred some lengthy quiet periods.

I am so glad that my parents and grandparents indulged us for these little presentations. Parents and grandparents are long gone, but my siblings and I still reminisce with hilarity about the somewhat infamous Spectacular Nativity Play of 1960 (our title for it) when we soldiered bravely on in spite of being sorely put out because they wouldn't let us use our relatively newborn cousin to play baby Jesus.

No, it’s not, it’s for everyone.

Nah - it really isn’t.

Christmas in my home is for my children.

Other relatives can join, and fit in with our plans, but the day will never be arranged around or for them.

I imagine most decent parents feel the same way.

I'm 48 and I'm with her. Would have been a lot.

But in my family Christmas is for the children first and foremost, so I wouldn't have said anything.

You've no idea how many older people feel like this. I've heard it all.

It's too much food. Too much 'fun'. Temperature variations in other people's homes. Strangers who they have nothing in common with. Honestly sometimes it's just not being in their own bed at night. Feeling obliged to do things they don't really want to do. Probably not able to watch what they want on TV. Everything feels like too much stimulation.

Not wanting to make a fuss because they don't want to seem ungrateful so keeping stum.

Or just generally being the oldest person in the room...and really feeling it.

Are you on glue? You want to give your children a more subdued and less pleasant Christmas, because your mother says she doesn’t like your children?! Your mother sounds dreadful - stop trying to people please, and don’t prioritise the miserable old boot over your own children!

Don't do this, OP. They're only children for a short time.

Or you prioritise your own mother and not the next door neighbours. Bizarre!

The DM seemed happy with the neighbours, its her dgc that she had issue with!

What I proposed originally was talking to her about what would have helped and got jumped on that the only thing that would have helped was no children, which hasn't been stated.
I was pointing out it is possible to have a child centred day with time for each adult to find time to not be in the entertainer role, should they choice. They had said they missed an "adult Christmas" it would be worth exploring what an adult Christmas would mean and how it could be accommodated. She could come back with she would have liked to have had a break from the festivities after dinner but come back down for the talent show. In which case yes she could have her "adult" time whilst the rest of the house is enjoying the children and their toys and everything else.

Enjoy a 20 minutes conversation about how my sisters new job is doing doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with my children. Given the other adult she was playing was her father I felt she was in safe hands! My

There has been a lot of assumptions about what it was about the day that she found too much and the only solution seems to be never invite her again when having a chat could identify that it's possible to find ways that everyone can have a Christmas day that they enjoy without feeling overwhelmed or rejected.

Have you read the OP’s posts? Her mother was perfectly happy with the company of the neighbours. It was her own grandchildren she wasn’t that fussed about.

I think I’ve had a lot of good advice here and no end of people saying they think my day is too full on and they couldn’t stand having to watch my children dance for a few minutes. This is telling and probably a good indication of how my mum feels. I haven’t really had the opportunity to spend any one on one time with her and the reality is that she is elderly now so I need to make allowances.

The alternative is to go to hers and go out for lunch but that feels like a massive faff with the kids in tow and I don’t fancy it really.

Honestly if you find a day in front of the TV with your feet up “too much” you are barely alive

For fuck's sake! Disabled people are worried that legal euthanasia will lead to coercion by those who judge some lives not worth living. And here you are, telling me and thousands like me that we are 'barely alive'.

Luckily, I'm not so mentally stunted that I can only define living as physical activity. I hope the likes of you never get to decide my fate.

This isn't about OP and her mum, but I'm not letting that grossly bigoted statement go unremarked.

Actually I think its your mother who is being unreasonable. This is your time to have the family Christmas you and your kids want. Your mum can't expect it to run according to a 75 years old. If its too much for her she needs to be responsible for herself and either visit for a shorter day or take herself away for a lie down/read after lunch. Her expecting you to do a fun day differently is wrong. This is absolutely about your kids now, not your mum.
She should know this.

There's no written down laws, everyone is different and telling people they 'should' be able to because you can, isn't helpful. We don’t know the full details of tge mother and her health, feelings etc.

I probably wouldn’t either, but the forced fun of it all is a bit much and sounds like Granny wouldn’t be able to say I’m going for a nap instead without feeling uncomfortable in front of OP and the neighbors. You can easily tell your own children ok quiet time now, let’s have a nap, let’s put a film on etc. At OPs house she has to do what OP is doing etc.

No, of course you shouldn't make your Christmas all about your mum.

I haven’t really had the opportunity to spend any one on one time with her - I bet this is a huge part of her discomfort! Sounds like she needs a good listening-to, which you are now giving her, and some bonding time with you, her only daughter

OP don’t just listen to the posters who have said it would be too much” for them! Bloody hell. I’d understand more if you were all descending on her house for a few days and everyone was over excited and loud and getting in the way, but she is literally coming into your space with your children (her grandchildren!) and she’s whining and whinging that she isn’t getting her “adult” Christmas!! I feel so sorry for your kids if you decide to stop their fun next year. Don’t be that type of parent.

I can’t see any forced fun in the OP’s day? Playing games etc with kids is completely normal (and not even just on Christmas Day!); what is ‘forced’ about it?

Seems a real shame to damp down your kids' Christmas for her. If she needs more time with you maybe she can have that during the rest of the year, and just make sure she knows it's fine to take a break on Christmas Day. But let the children have their fun!

Don't be silly.

She did.