Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

But the OP has done this. The mum has an entire area of the house with a bedroom, TV and en-suite bathroom to herself.

I am early 60’s so cant imagine how tired I would be by age 75 but my Christmas was Christmas eve up til 1am helping youngest daughter wrap gifts. Then a 6am start to go to my youngest daughters again to watch unwrapping from her 3 children 7,8 and 15 while she cooked breakfast, then I did a mountain of washing up, then cooking a full roast lunch both meat and vegetarian for 6 people while she took the kids for a walk, then more washing up then played with the children while she prepared the puddings then yet more washing up then more play bathed the two youngest and got one settled while she settled the other younger one (both ASD so take longer to settle than NT kids) then helped tidy then went home. Thats exhausting so not sure if I could manage that at your mums age but the day you described doesnt sound too tiring maybe it was the friends that tipped the balance and drained her social tank? I have yet to watch any Christmas TV apart from kids films and am looking forward to a chance to do that 😂

I’m 60….my GC are all older thanOPs DC and I’ve had enough by a certain time with them…much as I love them…..I thank the lord that I had all my GC in my early 50s when my energy levels have been greater

I'm away this Xmas with my mate and her family (40 people!) and actually feel the same despite them being pretty chilled people. I've actually just booked off the week of the 12th Jan and I'm so eager just to have some me time.

It's been good but the issue is that after a certain point I just want to have a glass of wine and watch something of my choosing. But I feel it'd be rude to sit with my earbuds in so I'm just doomscrolling on my phone instead alongside the various others that don't want to play more charades etc. I'm not exactly bored but not having had a holiday in months it feels like a bit of a waste to be sitting here but not doing what I'd be doing were I on my own.

Is she kindly trying to say she’d rather not come. My mum is slightly older and comes but is keen to be home to her own house Boxing Day. I’d speak to her and see what she’d prefer.

I wouldn’t do this. Everyone deserves to have a good Christmas. She can rest if she wants to. I’m a similar age to your Mum and if she isn’t ill I honestly don’t feel she has done very much to make her exhausted.

You must have missed the bit in the OP’s posts where she says that her mother has exactly this.

This seems likely.

I don't think it's reasonable that you have to strip your Christmas right back for her. Yes make some changes to her room if you want and emphasise she can 'escape' any time but you are a family who live in a home. Why should your children be upstairs or in the park (unless they and you want to be). Id have a conversation in a couple of months with her about some changes to the room and perhaps get her involved but I wouldn't be changing my Christmas or hiding my kids away for her

I’m 35 and have my own toddlers and still don’t really enjoy being around other peoples kids for a full day 🤣 I enjoy my own but it’s the forced fun and watch my child sing and dance act a lot of parents out on I find so mind numbing. I’d really not want to watch a child led talent show during Christmas Day 🤣

Do NOT under any circumstances do this. Christmas is literally FOR THE CHILDREN. It’s their home. They are entitled to put on shows. Play and do whatever they please. They are only little for a very short time. Do not ruin their Christmas for a miserable old hag. Tell her to stay at home and not bother coming if it’s all too much for her

Your Christmas sounds ace. Just tell her to go upstairs for a breather if she needs it. Don’t pare it back next year to keep your bah humbug mum happy. She should be grateful!

I also wouldn't enjoy a talent show (though apparently it wasn't just the kids - OP's mum 'sang a German song' which sounds much more arseclenchingly embarrassing to watch than the children to me). But OP said it lasted 20 mins. If you can't be gracious about doing something you don't much fancy for 20 minutes, or politely excuse yourself from it, then you need to stay in your own home. You can't agree to being hosted by someone else and then expect every detail to be to your exact taste.

Perhaps she’d rather have the day with her family and not the neighbours.

Agreed, especially one where my mum then took over and sang a song like the OP’s mum did!

I’m quite annoyed by this post actually! Just call her bluff and ask if she’d rather stay at home next year. It seems you’ve created a lovely day for you all, gone to so much trouble to host her and she’s complaining!

Although I think a 20 minute talent show is too long!

No, it’s not, it’s for everyone. And don’t call someone’s mum ‘a miserable old hag’.

Perhaps she would. But when you’re kindly being hosted you don’t get to dictate all of the arrangements. Also if the problem was the neighbours, she could have said so rather than explicitly telling the OP that is wasn’t the neighbours that were the problem and that she really enjoyed their company, and suggested to her that it was her grandchildren that were the issue.

other peoples kids

Each to their own and all that, but I don't view my grandchildren as "other people's kids."

I'm 75 also and I wouldn't relish spending a day with two small children.

but that's not your problem, it's your mothers. If she had simply told you she'd love to see you and the children for an hour or two, but think all day would be too much for her, the situation could have been avoided.

it's your Mother that needs to take responsibility for her lowered tollerance, not you.

How many christmasses has she done? Loads. The kids not so many. Do not indulge her. My parents are in their 70's and would love time with their grandchildren. Its not about her.

Is your mother fairly inactive as a rule? Nobody gets tired faster than a person who spends most of her life sitting on her backside.

My DDad is the same age as your DM. He loves all the excitement from the kids and loves visitors and chatting with them as in his words 'he needs variety to keep his brain working'. Christmas is for children and if you're home isn't comfortable for her then maybe your DM should make alternative plans?

Agreed.