Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

i Think you continue to host the Christmas you want OP - but tell your mum what to expect and that she can join in as much or as little and that there will be the top floor/ other room available for her if she needs a breather. It’s up to her what she wants to do but she’s being unreasonable to ask you to scale back what sounds like an otherwise nice day. I grew up having Christmas’ like the one you described you had as a child and it was so awful so definitely don’t change the lovely day you provide for your kids

Yes but she cannot expect a household much younger than this to live in a kind of semi-conscious torpor.

I definitely think there is a part of her that misses the Christmases we used to have where it was all a bit EastEnders!

There was as much wine and other booze on offer as anyone wanted yesterday, but nobody got drunk. And I had plenty of soft drink options as well because I knew nobody would want to drink all day long.

A couple of things I’m going to change. Getting a smart TV for her room. It’s just an ordinary TV up there now and I think she misses being able to watch on demand. Also, the other room on her floor is the one I use as my study. So obviously isn’t in use at all over Christmas. I might see if I can turn that into a bit of a sitting room for her, put a fridge in there and a kettle etc. then she’d basically have a little flat up there! I’m also going to recarpet to make it a bit fancier

My Mum is 75 and she has loads of energy. My parents stayed up later than me on Christmas Day.

I don't think this can hurt, but I also think that if she didn't come downstairs until 12 she's probably not labouring under the misapprehension that she's not allowed a moment's rest and needs to put up a stakhanovite effort! I'm also not sure where people are getting the idea that a woman who complained about christmas day on boxing day may be held back from going for a rest by a fear of being rude...

OP your Christmas sounds lovely, and its right that the kids are the center of it. The only thing you can do is encourage your Mum to go upstairs and rest when she feels like it. Reassure her she's not being rude to do what works for her, you may find she's working her way up to 'I'm staying home at Christmas, come and see me the day after or thereabouts'. That's what happened with my MIL. Late 70's she just told everyone that she was done with being a houseguest, didn't really care about Xmas but would happily see us all in a rota during the 'season'. It took a bit of getting use too (chorus of 'but you can't be along on Christmas') but now we're use to it, it's great.

Not all 75 year olds are the same but I can see if your mum does not often stay with you having lots more people around plus DC might be full on. Your plans to give her a quiet space upstairs sounds good. I think there is a risk as some people get older they seem to get more selfish and revert to wanting to be centre of attention all the time. Only you can say if this is your mum or if you are really unaware of her aging and the fact she cannot cope with a busy household.

If I were you I would give her the choice next year. Tell her what is happening and say she can either come and retreat to the rooms upstairs when she has had enough or stay at home and you visit her another time. It is unreasonable to expect the whole day to be about her when you have DC and you had awful Christmases as a child. To be honest if she was that dramatic when you were a child she probably is a bit self centred.

Don't need to buy a new TV, a Fire Stick or Roku can make any TV smart for a fraction of the price

Well she probably felt obliged to go because there's no other family, and also she probably wanted to go and thought she'd cope but misjudged the situation. I get it wrong all the time, and when it comes to my DS's I feel guilty about being ill so I push myself too much. (But then it's the guilt and over-responsibility that has very likely caused my cfs in the first place.). I wouldn't have understood this before the cfs/autistic burnout appeared....in fact it was the other way around with my mum, who was very fit and healthy until the age of 80. She could only understand once she'd been through it herself.

'She is 75 with no health conditions.'

At 75yo that's great to hear & she is fortunate to enjoy robust health... as far as this goes. The capacity & stamina for sustained engagement does fade & falter irrespective of general health. Keeping up everyday social contacts & context becomes more important for cognitive & mental health as we age, & there is a tendency to socially withdraw as our cognitive stamina runs down faster. Your mum is now more aware of this for herself & is sharing this with you.

Sadly both your & her experiences of Christmas many years ago are not the happiest & you are doing well to make good on that, & I imagine that your mother appreciates this, is glad for you & to be part of this.

@MyQuirkyFinch as I mentioned before, please don't let misunderstandings get in the way of getting together next year.

Think I’ll also strip it right back next year. Tell the kids No games, talent show and the like. No other guests (although she likes them they are enthusiastic participants in games). TV on after lunch to encourage snoozing on the sofa. Send the kids to their rooms for part of the day or I could even take them to the park whilst DH cooks the lunch.

But not everyone is the same as has been pointed out. If you and OP's Mum find it wearing to be with people it's not about age it's just you. I'm 70 and not like that.

She could have said I'm going to my room for a break. The OP doesn't sound like the sort of person who'd object. After all she accepted her mum not coming down till midday and going to bed early.

Think I’ll also strip it right back next year. Tell the kids No games, talent show and the like.

so you’re going to ruin any kind of Christmas magic and fun for your kids just to appease your miserable mother?!

I hope you're joking. You have a nice day with your husband and kids
You don't get these years back.

But that's them. It's not about age. Lots of people on MN seem incredibly intolerant of other people.

Are you being sarcastic? I can’t tell.

But please don’t do no games and send the kids to their rooms.

It’s one day and it’s Christmas! Your Mum has the rest of the year for peace and quiet.

@MyQuirkyFinch the den with SmartTV & fridge sounds fab.

No need to throw the baby out with bathwater, have your usual Christmas, everyone having lots of fun & your mum has freedom to flex in & out.

God no don’t do this.

Your mother needs to learn that she’s welcome in your home but she doesn’t get to be a total fun sponge and impose this on your household.

Your house, your kids, your Christmas.

Be respectful and considerate to her but don’t allow her to act out on you and your children.

Nothing sounds particularly intense but could it more be that you've not allowed any time for people to just relax?

My parents drive me bonkers like this. They stretch things out all day and we don't end up opening presents until mid/late afternoon. Every time you try and get away for 20 mins it's "oh, we're about to have a Skype call with your aunt/play charades/watch something/etc". I don't mind any of these things but just want a bit of time to chill too.

I think they're just trying to keep people entertained but it does get a bit much. I think if I took over for a few hours and made them sit through Die Hard and loads of other films they wouldn't usually watch they'd probs feel the same after a while.

It wasn't a full day. She got up midday and went to bed just after a three year old so probably early evening. Anyone would think she'd done fourteen hours down a salt mine.

I think she just really misses adults only Christmas

Perfectly understandable, but if that's the case, spending Christmas in a house with young children is contraindicated.

No ……but OP could offer a quiet respite area for her…..my mum always decamped to small lounge to watch tv and chill and kids didn’t go in there anyway

Do you think this will be a nicer christmas for your children, and for you and your husband?

I wouldn't make my children feel unwanted in their own home at christmas.

Anyone would think she'd done fourteen hours down a salt mine.

I know. I honestly find it pretty pathetic that people think seven hours of sitting on your backside being waited on is “exhausting” or “too much”.